An Anxious Newbie! (Trigger Warning)

DaisyMae · July 01, 2015, 05:09:15 AM

This is my first time on an internet forum and I have never participated in any group therapy..... I have been reading others struggles on this forum and it has helped me to realize that many have been through so much from childhood and into adulthood. I have always thought that dysfunctional families were the norm and that was just how it was supposed to be, that I just needed to deal with and get over it. I was the problem. I have trust issues so this is a major step for me to introduce myself and participate in this forum.

So here goes, I have been in counseling for almost 2 years. I have struggled throughout my life with feeling empty, hypervigilance (can put a term to it now), and suicidal thoughts and urges. I have severe depression and constant anxiety, taking medication and in counseling in an effort to keep it all together and keep from doing something I can't take back.

I have a narcissistic, sociopathic, authoritarian father and a mother that started off much the same (scared to death of her as a child) but then she became codependent as a result of my father's abuse. The rest of my family is riddled with issues due to a culmination of generations abusing the next and never understanding what they were doing or how it was impacting the next. The family has a history of mental illness, addiction, physical abuse, suicide, you name it. Not going to go into a life story, many times it all seems unbelievable myself. I have coped by not allowing myself to have any emotions at all about it and treating everything as if it was just like managing a business, staying detached in order to make decisions and provide advice to get through life since I was about 13. I did not have a childhood, I was not allowed to be a child. I raised myself as my mother always says. I was an adult in a kids body. The sad thing is that my mom knows this, says this, and even says that if she had to do it over again, she would have taken parenting classes. But not once has she ever apologized for it, said she was sorry, or has told me that she loved me. I honed my skills very well to my detriment unfortunately and became a master at disassociating myself from any emotions at all to get through life.

I was emotionally neglected and abused, physically abused and sexually abused. My parents are not loving, nurturing people. There were no hugs, no "I or We love You", no It will be okay's, no "good job". I had stomach problems since before I can remember, enemas were a regular thing up to almost kindergarten. I realize now that it was a result of stress and not feeling safe at home. I have been plaqued by the stomach issues all of my life (of course, tests come back that I am fine) and doctors always give a diagnosis of IBS because they can't find anything specific wrong with me. They were strict Baptists and my father was a narcissist to boot. I was beat with a belt to force me into submission or to pit me against my brother until one of us would turn on the other, keep us from getting along, since I was 5. My father started the verbal abuse when I was seven. I was screamed and yelled at and called names that a 7 yr old should never hear, much less be ever be called by name. The verbal abuse continued until the day I got married and moved out of their house. I was sexually molested by a friend at the age of 8 (another girl) and it continued until I was 10 and my parents moved across town. She was being molested by her father and brother (found this out several years later because she go pregnant at age 14). My parents never knew and if they did, I would have been told that it was my fault and would have been in trouble anyway. I would have been in trouble, would have been a bad girl, beaten, and sent to my room. My friends were my pets. I loved Rudolph and called myself, my dog, and my mom's cat the Misfits. Nobody wanted us, nobody loved us. My father would beat my dog to punish me, to make me stay in line. I had to protect them. And, sometimes it didn't matter. If the dog did something like have an accident, make a mess, he called her the same names he called me and beat her. He hated my dog as much as he hated me.

School was my refuge. Found any and every reason not to have to be home. I was in to drugs and alcohol by the age of 11. Stopped using drugs at the age of 13. My parents never knew. As long as I was not home and my father did not have to look at me, he didn't care what I was doing. He never imagined that at that age I could have been doing something that would have embarrassed him, made him look bad. Once I turned 16, he tried to control every move I made so I became a workaholic in a hurry. I was either at school or work. So, never really have known what it meant to rest, relax, have fun (we didn't even go on vacations), be happy, or feel joy. But I learned to smile and appear happy to others to keep up the charade that all was okay.

I met my husband at 17, he was 22. At the time, he was my rescuer. I went to college, graduated, and we married. He had a serious temper and issues of his own but at the time, I thought things were my fault and he was my escape. And, for the first time I felt like I had a friend, someone that loved ME. I was drugged and raped at a fraternity party my first year away at college. I was so ashamed, felt like it was my fault. Knew that I could not tell anyone. Both he and my father would say I had it coming and it was my own fault. I tried to kill myself - tried to drink myself to death. A roommate saved me. I was ashamed and embarrassed again. I forgave him for anything and everything, but was never able to forgive myself the same way. I became an enabler and co-dependent. He is addicted to porn and has been for a long time. We rarely have sex. There have been some violent episodes and he has punched holes through drywall, thrown stuff, and at its worst, a couple of years ago, threatened me with a gun. That is when I finally broke down and sought counseling. So, I am 46 and he is 50 and we are trying to heal our marriage but we both need to work on ourselves first and he is not doing much on his side so not sure how well this will work out.

Dr. Jonice Webb has a book called Running on Empty and talks about "The Fatal Flaw" that all children that suffered emotional neglect think they have. I have always thought I have had not one but multiple ones. I had a narcissistic boss for many years (didn't realize that either until recently) that at the time served as a father figure and actually told me that "I had critical Character Flaws that would keep me from ever amounting to anything" but then would not tell me what they were. I have been trying to figure out what they were for over 15 years to correct them and make him proud. It was a futile effort to say the least. I worked so hard, made the effort to change, and never "hit the nail on the head" correcting these flaws and then he retired.

That takes me up to the Worst 7 years of my life.... we will save that story for another day. I am working very hard to try to learn the things that I never understood as a child. My life depends on it. Too wake up one day and realize that you have never been able to truly be happy, feel joy, and that your whole life you have done what everyone else wants and needs, never have done what you wanted to do, is a terrible feeling in your 40's. Your life feels like a waste. I am trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and what makes me happy. I have an excellent counselor and have made progress but it hard to understand, learn, and feel self-worth, self esteem, how to unconditionally love yourself when you have never understood these things.

I look forward to learning from others in the forum and hopefully be able to help others along the way.

Jdog · July 01, 2015, 12:14:37 PM

DaiseyMae-

What a survivor you are! I am so glad you found a source of support in counseling, and that you have joined our forum. You seem to be at a point where you are eager to address many of the issues that have been weighing you down and I congratulate you. As you know, others on the forum also have had some very harrowing experiences and are happy to support you in your journey.

Please continue using the strategies that are helping you cope day to day, and remember to give yourself credit for doing your best always - it's hard (for me, at least) to remember that we are always doing our best with what we know at any one time. You have come through so very much, and will continue to learn new ways to be safe and find some balance. But it does take time and lots of courage. Sounds like you already know that and have made your commitment to walk through the healing you must do.

Once again, welcome. Be well.

VeryFoggy · July 01, 2015, 04:25:50 PM

DaiseyMae Welcome! And I think you might be my twin in an alternate universe! Much of your story is vey, very similar to mine.

So you will know when I say I am so sorry this has happened to you that I really do mean it! You did not deserve this, you do deserve better, and you are so brave and courageous to come here and to share your story. Talking helps. So I am glad you are here and I hope that you will keep talking and keep sharing and keep looking for answers that make sense to you! Welcome!

DaisyMae · July 02, 2015, 10:33:48 PM

Thank you Jdog and VeryFoggy for your words of encouragement and support. And for making me feel welcome. I finally feel like I fit in somewhere, that maybe it really isn't my fault, that I had really bad parents. I do need to find balance and am working very hard on that. I have read many stories on this forum that sound all too familiar and have helped me to understand that I am not any different from many other people. There are many of us out there but we live in silence about it to the outside world because we do not trust others not to judge us and make us feel like we did something wrong. And, agree, it is hard for me as well to give myself credit and that I am trying my best with what I know so far. Reparenting yourself at 46 to grow emotionally is humiliating and a hard thing to do.

DM

Trees · July 02, 2015, 11:32:38 PM

DaisyMae, here at OOTS we are all of us working at reparenting ourselves. Yes, it is hard! But here at least, among the rest of us (lots of whom are plenty older than you!), I hope you will find that feeling of humiliation slipping away from you. I hope you will find some comfort and peace here.

DaisyMae · July 09, 2015, 02:42:16 AM

Hi Trees!

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It is amazing how many warm and thoughtful people participate in this forum. I am always working and researching, extremely hypervigilant, have to drive my counselor crazy. I feel like I am safe here and have found an outlet to work among friends going through the same and on the path of recovery.

DM

Boatsetsailrose · July 09, 2015, 06:46:20 AM

Thank you for sharing daisy may I can relate to a lot of what u describe

You sound like you are in the best place you have been so far in terms of insight and understanding and that is how I feel right now ( I am 42 yrs )

It is a long journey right ! I don't feel it is too late I feel I have been given a second chance at life

The treatment and messages from others is so inflicting on us from a young age and it has affected me on so many levels but I like you have excellent therapist and am now moving forward and I feel v grateful

Not expecting and beating myself are v important because I can easily get into that - 'I should ' speak and 'I am not '
I am here right now in this day and I am a miracle - a lot of people don't find their way to therapy - to insight to forums - many stay in active addiction - are in psyc hospitals and homeless -
Others are lost -

And we are not lost anymore - it may still be painful and limiting but I get to see that clearly today and I have options and hope
Life for me is as good as it ever has been and not to do with external but my internal -
I am a survivor of child trauma - and am growing to be a happy healthy women one day at a time -
Sometimes quickly - sometimes slowly

My therapist says I am and have been v resilient and I can see that now - my whole life has been about healing me -
I don't know anyone who has worked on them selves as much as I -
Feeling unworthy shameful and useless unloveable are things that are fading now and in its place is I am worthy proud useful and loveable -
Finding what is the right thing today to help so that I feel I am growing

I wish u all the best -

nvrquit42 · July 10, 2015, 02:31:16 AM

DaisyMae,

it takes such courage to share your story, thank you for sharing it here. I know how difficult it can be opening up, especially after so long disassociating from emotions. I'm sorry for all you have been through, you deserve so much better.

I'm still new here myself and am finding such comfort in hearing from others that have stories and share the feelings I always felt so alone in having. I know I had and still have such a hard time with emo

I wish you all the best in your healing journey.

DaisyMae · July 10, 2015, 04:30:37 AM

Hi nvrquit42,

It is nice to receive such support from so many and it has helped me to open up more to others that are going thru the same and can relate. You are courageous as well and I am really sorry for all that you have been through. You had the courage and strength to leave your NPD abuser to seek a better life. I have not been able to do that for a number of reasons, but mostly out of fear that I will not be gentle with myself and I will blame myself and will feel like a bad person, that I deserve whatever abuse, punishment I receive as a result. That is how my brain has been conditioned and I am really having a hard time defeating my inner critic. You really are brave and resilient, you really do never quit. To go through another experience with someone who was just as abusive or more had to be so painful and for many it would have been easy to give up. But you did not, you persevered. Thank you for sharing you story as well and for being so kind and supportive. Best of luck on your journey as well.

mutualsoul · July 11, 2015, 11:44:02 PM

you are so brave! I hope you stay and continue writing here.

DaisyMae · July 12, 2015, 02:48:55 AM

Glad you are here mutualsoul! Thank you but I don't feel so brave most of the time. I have come a long way from where I started but I still feel trapped, ashamed, and like I could break at any moment. I am still trying to come to terms with how I got this point in my life. I was always resilient, thought I could take it but I always felt out of place and different and that I had to work harder than everyone else. I did have to work harder because I did not understand how to express myself or my emotions, sure it was as hard for people to trust me as it was for me to trust them. Never let anyone get close. I am trying not to let fear run my life and do things that I never thought I would in order to move forward and be someone that I am comfortable with. But, I am still dealing with fears of rejection, being alone, and not finding any purpose.

MBKrypton · July 15, 2015, 07:33:12 PM

I am new here and will have to find my way through this site, maybe finally I have an answer to the way I feel

Trees · July 15, 2015, 08:01:30 PM

Hi MBKrypton, and welcome to the site. It takes courage to post that first post! I am so glad you spoke up!

Eventually the site set-up will make sense to you, as it did eventually make sense to me not too many months ago. Please just wander around and read whatever seems important to you.

Maybe read the Guidelines for Members. It helps in figuring out what goes on here and how to participate in a gentle and supportive manner. We are just a bunch of people with complex ptsd who are here sharing information and support with each other.

There is one particular book recommended on this site, and also by me personally. It is "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. It is a really good place to go for information about the various aspects of this disorder.

All the best to you in your journey, and big hugs

Kizzie · July 15, 2015, 08:28:16 PM

Hi and welcome MBKrypton

Glad you found your way here and as Trees suggests just wander around and have a look, eventually it does all make sense and you'll be able to settle in.

When you're ready, you can click on the "New Topic" on the top right of this forum and introduce yourself and tell us a bit about your situation. It does take courage for many of us to make that first post about ourselves so just wait until you're ready.

In the mean time there are lots of resources and threads to read

DaisyMae · July 15, 2015, 11:42:25 PM

HI MBKrypton

Glad you are here.... It has been a few days since I have posted anything on the forum and understand completely. There are many here that are very helpful and supportive. But, at times, because I am still trying to figure out so much and still struggle with my inner critic (IC), the posts can be very triggering and overwhelming. There are many that express the same fears, issues, experiences that are so dominant for me as well. You will know when you are ready to start posting and asking questions. I might have jumped in a little too quickly, maybe told more about my story than I know feel comfortable with but it is my own inner critic that is making me feel that way. Everyone on this forum has been very kind and empathetic. I have not felt this kind of acceptance in my life ever and if I am ever going to feel safe anywhere, it will be here. Hope you find the same in your journey and hope you find the answers you are looking for.

DM