Finally Dealing With This

[elizabeth]

Hi. My name is Elizabeth. When I was sixteen I went to live in France for a year as an exchange student, with two different host families who were both abusive in totally different ways. I think the second family is what did this lasting damage though because I came to them as though they were my saviors after the first people. I had no defences up. I had no other resources in that country. I totally embraced them and I don't really think about the rest of it. I was never physically abused. I feel so stupid. I should have done better and I didn't, I couldn't. I'm trying to get some help now. It's been seven years. I'm going back home in a few weeks and my parents are arranging for me to see a shrink. I'm in the first serious relationship of my life and I've been having panic attacks, crying fits, I've left without saying anything a couple of times because I felt like my chest was going to explode. The last few days, just after I had a sort of a revelation and took some control over my actions, I have had bad physical symptoms. Nausea, high heart rate, waves of heat, hyperventilating, blankness, dizziness, exhaustion. I've been sleeping so much. That's why I'm on here, it's worse than it's ever been. Thank you for being here and letting me say these things to you.

[VeryFoggy]

Elizabeth - Welcome, and I am so sorry you are going through all of these symptoms alone with no one to reach out to for comfort or support. Please don't beat yourself up.  Generally the people who cause us to experience the original trauma that then results in these types of severe symptoms can be Personality Disordered.  So whoever caused your original trauma is not usually a normal person or persons. I am assuming that it was the families actions towards you that traumatized you and not events like explosions or witnessing violence? Please forgive me if I am assuming incorrectly and please correct me.

In any case I am glad your family is going to get you some help! Hang in there, and just know everyone here knows what you are going through physically and emotionally and we know it is awful. Sometimes talking about it helps, and there are many boards here where you can share as little or as much as you like.

Since I am not certain of what caused the original trauma, it is difficult to suggest resources to you, beyond this forum.  Many of us find comfort in Pete Walker's book Complex CPTSD - From Surviving To Thriving.  That may be something you would find helpful until you can begin seeing a professional.

Again welcome and I hope you find healing and comfort with us on your journey.

[woodsgnome]

Elizabeth wrote: "I feel so stupid. I should have done better and I didn't, I couldn't...[in relationship] and I've been having panic attacks, crying fits, I've left without saying anything..."

Elizabeth, the first step can be a hard one, so congrats on doing that. Looking into this site, too--the key is finding people who've not just been there/done that but acknowledge, like yourself, that the journey out can present situations one never encountered before. But this site offers a vantage point where you can at least stop and take a deserved breather while trying to negotiate the new territory.

Your panic attacks/crying etc. ring a loud bell that resonates with my own experience. Mine resulted from a deep layering of unworthiness and self-contempt and loathing that I couldn't have stopped some of what happened, couldn't change it when it did, and it mushroomed to where I gave up on myself. In relationships I sometimes couldn't fathom that anyone would accept, let alone love me, for real. The reality is I'd been a defenseless kid when I was abused (the first times anyway), but I didn't know the full effects of how that had hampered me 'til I hit situations as an adult where I could barely function. Sounds like that may have happened in your situation.

Part of your fortitude you've just demonstrated, though, by accepting to somehow take the courage to step out and begin helping yourself. A motto I ran across once on my own climb was: "fortitude in distress". I hope you continue to find your way out.