New and confused (triggers)

[HopefulSeeker]

Hey everyone

I have come to this site after having a difficult few months behind me. I'm 25 years old and I have always known parts of my childhood were very abnormal. I was lucky enough to be born into a wealthy and loving family, which has provided me with a safe escape growing up. Unfortunately, my grandmothers partner (not my biological grandfather) entered our family when I was about 3 years old and made my life *. He was sick and was attracted to me. I don't remember when his behaviour first started, however it escalated and he would have sex with me regularly. It went further, that he took me to parties and allowed his friends to do the same to me, to physically beat me and use me as they saw fit. I believed this to be normal and that all girls experienced something similar and should never talk about it.

Of course, with time I realized this was not normal. I was often afraid and ashamed of myself and the things I allowed those men to do to me. I struggled to hide the wounds on my body and I had multiple pregnancies that my step-grandfather forcibly terminated. I was plagued with guilt, but managed to move forward. Upon his death about 8 years ago I was free and I believed my life would be peaceful.

I had always been driven to achieve, partially to prove to those men that I was not what they thought I was - a whore. I was awarded valedictorian at my school, entered university with a full scholarship, ran track and continued on with my life. I had difficulties sleeping sometimes and I often felt a lot of shame, but I kept it under control. I never enjoyed sex but took part in it as it was a natural part of a relationship. I have travelled the world and have recently started a position in a new city, with a foreign language, away from my boyfriend and I have started to have extreme problems. I don't sleep for multiple nights, I can't stop shaking when I have memories and multiple other challenges. I have a good friend who is therapist specialising in trauma (random luck) and she is supporting me - however, not as a therapist. I am reluctant to go see a therapist as I don't feel it is right for me. However, I am slowly working through things with my friend and I hope to find some peace soon. This is by far the most difficult and strange thing I have experienced. To feel such a lack of control and clarity.

I am not clear on what I expect from this site, perhaps a break from this alienation I've often felt. A place where I don't have to hide myself or pretend to be anything other than what I am. Or just to feel some support and compassion. I would appreciate anyone who has some experience to share their words and perhaps give me some hope for recovery because this prospect feels rather bleak at the moment.

Much love. xo

[VeryFoggy]

HopefulSeeker - Welcome and I am so glad you found this place to go. Yes, your life was horrific, unbelievable and yet it happened to you. And now you are so, so bravely picking up the pieces and mending it.  That is wonderful news and there will be a lot of grieving and mourning that you will have to go through to get past the pain.  But there is light after the storm and you have been through a terrible storm. An incredible and awful storm. And just know that there are many others here who have suffered unjust, unfair, undeserved treatment just as you have. And part of that journey is going to be to find the anger that is yours that you own and deserve to feel.  And then to work through that pain and that anger.  But when and if you are brave enough to go into the flame? It will burn the ugliness away, and leave you clean and whole and pure, and just as you really are, and not at all like what those horrible awful people did to you.  You were only an innocent child.

Welcome!  And I am so glad you found this place. We will mourn with you and we will understand your pain and how unfair it was for that to be done to you.  You did not deserve that. And we KNOW that.

[HopefulSeeker]

Thanks all for your loving support.

@VerryFoggy The solidarity I feel having found a group of people who can understand the complexity of this mess is comforting. At times one feels so helpless and confused. It makes me sad to think about all of the other people who have suffered such unjust things and who are struggling with the same challenges in their everyday lives. I hope that with time, the ugliness will burn away for all of us and just as you say - in some way to find our way out.

@BeHea1thy Thanks for the welcome! I've read a bit about how things are done so thanks for that. I'm reluctant about therapy, but perhaps with time I can manage it. I have always managed to move forward with my life until now, somehow to keep the fear and shame in the background. But it looks like I'm being forced to confront some ugly things. I hope the road won't be too strange, but I'm keen to move down it if it leads to a stronger and fuller me.   

[HopefulSeeker]

At times it is just impossible to feel whole. I'm 25 years old and constantly reminded that I'm in the prime of my life yet I feel awful. I feel so worthless and dirty because of those men. I can no longer live my life knowing what they did to me, I cannot accept it. I just endure hoping that the next day will be better. I have no idea how to be whole and how to be truly joyful.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi I can relate to what u are saying about your recent experiences and how when we experience these symptoms we are forced through the difficulties to work on the after math and find a way to recover -
I have had a long journey of symptoms and feel such a relief that I now have a name for it ( not diagnosed but tick all boxes
I have been seeing a child trauma therapist recently and it has been so good - she is v talented at what she does and I felt comfortable from the off - it is a good secure adult to adult relationship

The shame for me has been huge and it's only as of late that I am getting real freedom from it -

My experience is we have to find our own recovery journey and to have others share what has worked for them is so valuable --
There is definately hope - not feeling in control is a fearful place to be in but with the right support we can experience more sanity and help to help us feel that our insides and lives are more manageable

[Boatsetsailrose]

To work fully through what happened - putting it all in context --  disattaching the abusers and the abused -- being able to look with another at what our difficulties are and how they can be worked on so that we can start growing ..
Dealing with any addictions
But mostly ( and I didn't and still don't have full awareness of this -- learning where the self loathing is and shining a light on it -- healing and coming to a place of 'I am an ok person and the shame is replaced by self love ---

Being able to live life in the now in our hearts and bodies

Whatever it takes take it ---

Life is to be lived free of others harm xx