Not sure if I belong here? (Possible vague triggers)

[doublez]

Hey all! Not sure if I really belong here, but..alright. Here we go! Short(ish) and sweet

I'm having vivid flashbacks of the past--remembering places and feelings I had tucked away and discovering that I can barely live in the town that we grew up in because there are awful memories on almost every corner. I want to let go. I truly do. I thought I HAD, but having him back in my life is clearly the ultimate trigger. I just remember how bad things were and I'm terrified it will happen again, the rational side of my brains tells me that he was a stupid kid who didn't understand that his actions had consequences that hurt me profoundly.

I'm terrified that I'll find out he's been lying to me, that he's been unfaithful, that maybe there is still some awful secret about our past that he's hiding. The rational part of me tells me this is silly, he's been so incredibly patient with me the past year that we've been together and I only just recently discovered CPTSD from googling "can a bad relationship cause a stress disorder?" and I'm also not receiving professional help (yet). He understands that I have my bad days and helps me how he can--he knows when I'm feeling down and wants to help.

I already feel bad enough that I can't "let go of the past", I don't want to tell him that I may have a stress disorder because of it..it probably sounds crazy but I feel completely guilty for my feelings and flashbacks and "bad days" because I should be able to move on. I have every desire to do so but it seems I just don't possess the tools yet..

So do I belong here? Can anyone relate? Or do I just need to get over it..

[Jdog]

Doublez-

A warm welcome to our forum!  You certainly belong here and I suspect that getting a bit of support and some affirmation and validation that your flashbacks hint at something hurtful and real will help you feel better.  I don't quite understand the ins and outs of the relationship you are describing - sounds like you are romantically involved with someone you grew up with.  If that is the case, it is possible to be triggered by the person even though your rationale mind tells you they no longer possess the mean-spirited tools that hurt you when you were young. 

Some of us also get triggered and have either visual or emotional flashbacks by being with people who only remind us of those we had around when we were young.  Sometimes we subconsciously choose partners who remind us of those wounds.  In either case, I sometimes look at the situation asan invitation to face the fears and come out stronger.  The process of doing so is long and tedious, and I personally could not do it without the help of my therapist.  If you can get help from someone in your town, I strongly recommend it.  If not, read all that you can about cptsd (check out Pete Walker's site and his books) and definitely keep posting here.  People are gentle and kind here and will give you support.

Best wishes on your healing journey.

[Kubali]

This is a quick question to the person who posted before me. I noticed a quote from Lao Tsu. Are you familiar with the Tao te Ching? I would welcome your thoughts? I have met only one other person who knew something of Taoism. It would be lovely to find another. Especially here.

To the lady who first posted, I feel your conflict. Only you can choose for yourself, however I think you already know the answer. That is why you have arrived in this place. Your instincts are sound and they have served you well

Kubali