Visceral revulsion when around family

[NarcKiddo]

My feeling of revulsion around family, M in particular, has been coming up a lot in therapy recently. So I thought I'd post here to see if anyone else has similar experience, or thoughts on it.

I do not want to be physically close to M. I avoid the perfunctory greeting peck on the cheek or hug as much as humanly possible without being outright rude.

My family often talk about things I object to. Their political views, thoughts on women etc are very unpleasant. But my T has pointed out that while their views are not exactly mainstream they are not total outliers either. Do I feel the same physical revulsion at anyone else expressing such things? Generally I don't unless it is someone who directly brings my family to mind due to being an obvious narcissist. But when FOO starts going on about such things I really boil up inside and want to get them far, far away from me.

I kind of liken it to a tarantula. I can objectively admire a tarantula and I can see that my FOO has some decent attributes. But that does not mean I want a tarantula wandering around in the same room as me! 

We ran out of time in therapy today and undoubtedly I will discuss it more with T. My visceral reaction feels like a child reaction. I guess triggered by a feeling of danger. Interestingly, many years ago when FIL first met my M he pulled H aside and said "Be careful. That is a very dangerous woman."

I'm reading Mother Hunger at present. At one point the book invites the reader to remember a time they felt safe as a child and explore where they were and who was there. I have never, ever, not once, felt safe around my M. Does that mean she was dangerous or just that I did not feel safe? If she was dangerous, how was she dangerous? Clearly that's for me to ponder on and process.

But that revulsion? Where does it come from? I don't have children and I sometimes find myself actively thinking that it's a good job neither my sister nor myself has procreated. It's not a gene pool that needs perpetuating.

[Kizzie]

Hey NK, I hear you on the revulsion to your NM in particular. As I was reading your post I remembered a poster who said she would actually feel sick around her NM and that light went off as it often does here. I felt the same but also realized I felt quite guilty, as though I couldn't bear to clearly see her as she was. That was the moment, however, that I felt those feelings rise to the surface. I could see how broken, cruel and manipulative she was and that was hard because she was my M.

It wasn't something I wanted to feel about her but looking back I think feeling sick being near her helped me to be able to step away from her. Prior to that I had been very enmeshed and afraid of pulling back. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps the revulsion means you are seeing her as she is and that is so hard to do when it's your own M. And maybe the revulsion will help you shield yourself so she doesn't poison you and/or your life? It is one of those very difficult things in recovery--feeling those things about our parents that are so hard to acknowledge. We do hunger for our parents love and when we finally realize we've never had that and never will have it, it's profoundly sad and even a bit frightening, or so I found.

As always, just my thoughts of course but I wish you well in figuring this out with your T   

[Blueberry]

I feel revulsion around M and there were times during my healing when I refused any physical contact. Or other times I put up with it by half-dissociating, when I didn't feel emotionally strong enough to set a boundary.

My M was the one who did CSA to me from I presume infancy onwards till I was about 10. So I figured the revulsion was to do with that combined with maybe a general feeling that she went over my boundaries in other ways too. I remember saying in therapy that she didn't know where she ended and I started. (Tho it's likely she did, she just didn't care or want to acknowledge that I had boundaries too.) Anyway, I wonder if you might feel visceral revulsion around your M because of some (early?) boundary violations, whether physical or emotional?

[dollyvee]

NK, as an outsider, to me, it looks like you are perhaps seeking a "logical" explanation of why you don't like being around your m when perhaps you just don't like being around her, and you don't have to defend, or explain that. That's how you feel and it's valid. There are of course outcomes, not consequences IMO, of choosing to go with your feelings. These outcomes were presented to me as "the final answer," or no other path growing up because what I actually felt didn't matter.

I was often over "written" and over looked as not mattering. For example, the last xmas I spent with sgf, where he took a necklace from me (not what he did in his mind, but that's essentially what it was), and had zero interest in what I wanted. "People" (oh there's always people, but I think this is my gm's voice all along) would say that they're old, you have to allow them some grace because they can't change etc, and you know what, they were doing the same things when they were younger because it suited them. I think I tried telling him that that's not what I wanted to do, and it didn't go down well. Or I didn't say anything about the necklace because I knew how that would go, him feigning innocence and me feeling guilty. These are all really hard outcomes to face (ie me having to acknowledge their actual behaviour as well). Maybe I knew that saying something would only make it worse, since that's what I grew up with? I don't know. So, I didn't tell him I was going to stop answering his calls, and that's what I did. I feel better, but also "bad" I guess in other peoples' eyes. Is/was it the right thing to do? I don't know, but I feel better not having to manage someone not caring what I think.

Sending you support,
dolly