My Story

[Dandelion22]

Hi,

I've never done anything like this before. I've been in therapy for three years and just turned 60. I've only in the past couple of years (because of therapy) been consciously aware of what happened to me as a kid. I always knew there was something, but couldn't put my finger on it, or just didn't want to believe myself.

I'm pretty high functioning out there in the world, but my relationships have been deeply troubled. I grew up with an abusive tyrant father and a checked-out passive mother (never protected us from Dad). My therapist has helped me see the powerful role of my mom's neglect on me and how i live my life. It's been much easier to see what my dad did to me. I was very aware of that growing up, but I kind of brushed it off as unimportant. That's how i survived. But i never looked at my mother who i just matter of factly knew that i mothered and not the other way around.

I have close supportive friends and loved ones but it's hard to describe all this to them and have them get it. Also, i don't enjoy talking about it and it's hard to accept support (as some of you would know). I want to see what's it's like to be around people who have similar experiences, especially so late in life. I'm grateful that I can face it now, my life has hugely improved, but it is jarring to know you lived your life one way, basically in the dark, for so long. I want to live as fully and consciously as I can now.

That's why I'm here.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, Dandelion22!

I like your name because I like dandelions and the name reminds me of the rabbit Dandelion in "Watership Down".

I hope you find this forum supportive.

[TheBigBlue]

Welcome Dandelion 

Reading this felt uncomfortably familiar to me. High-functioning on the outside, while growing up as the scapegoat of a narcissistic father and a mother who leaned on me as her regulating container (parentification/horizontal enmeshment). Like you, it was much easier for me to recognize the overt abuse - the neglect and parentification took far longer to really see, even though it likely had more impact.

I minimized a lot of it to survive. From the outside, my life looked successful and intact; inside, there was no internal safety, no solid sense of self, and a lot of shame I assumed was my fault.

Coming to consciousness about this in the late 50s (for me that was less than a year ago) is disorienting - grieving what didn't happen while realizing how much was carried alone for decades.

Wanting to be around people who get this - without having to explain or justify it - makes complete sense. I'm glad you found your way here, and I hope this space helps you live more fully.

[MiaBailey]

Yes, "grieving what didn't happen." 

(I have no idea how to quote someone on this forum).  The BigBlue said this above and it's spot on.  Raging narcissists are so much easier to identify.  My mother (a narcissist) was the master at manipulation and mind games.  She never overtly harmed me, it was all psychological war fare. 

I didn't really have a clue about what I had been through until my mid-40s; I've grappled with guilt and shame as I was raised as a southern girl in a Baptist family and you simply do not disrespect your parents . . . you certainly do not talk to strangers about family matters. Blah blah.  I got over all of that.

I do know that I could never, ever find a mother's day card -- they all felt like a lie.  I would buy a blank one and write a note.