I think I may have found my people

[MiaBailey]

Hi All, I am Mia.  I am new here.  I only have a few minutes before I head out the door to run errands.  I thought about waiting to post my intro until I had more time to collect my thoughts; however, I have lived in my head and collected my thoughts for 62 years.  I was truly struck but just reading a few of the posts from the introductory page -- some of you were writing my internal thoughts on your computers. 

My hubby is waiting on me so no there is no time to write a novella.  I can say this brief synopsis.  I was raised in an affluent family but there was severe neglect with a busy career-focused dad and a mom that was busy being pretty.  So, basically, I was intelligent but not all that pretty so I wasn't a good play-thing for her; therefore, I had no intrinsic value.  I spent my life trying to be perfect.  Perfect grades, perfect attendance, law school, et cetera.  Nothing would ever gain love from someone incapable of giving love.

I married someone very similar to my mom and was married to him for a long time. He and I had a daughter who is very similar to him.  I ultimately left that relationship. 

By the time that I left these relationships, I was just absolutely spent and had zero self-esteem. 

It doesn't seem to matter how many books I read or counselors I talk to that tell me about the neglect and abuse and this and that -- I just feel like I am so ground down that I will never be able to truly believe in myself.  Yes, I have PTSD and C-PTSD.  Yes, I have done counseling and EMDR.  Yes, I know that it isn't my fault.

However, I have also had a hard time finding therapists that really understand and/or care and/or are truly empathetic to someone that was neglected.  They seem to understand abuse as-in what happened to you but that is so tangible.  I can sit there all day long and say nothing happened to me, per se.  That's the problem, nothing happened to me.  They seem to have a difficult time in identifying neglect.  How do you do EMDR for neglect?  What do you target? 

Anyway, I have blathered on and hopefully not sounded like an idiot.  Just glad to have found a place to feel understood.  Thank you for listening.

[Teddy bear]

Hi Mia 👋
Nice to meet you here 
Welcome!

I've just read your post, I also had neglect in my childhood.
That's really tricky what to do about it 🤔

I haven't tried EMDR yet and no therapist for now (but had tried different previously, not sure they were actually helpful though).
Nevertheless I'm going to search again a bit later on.

Glad you've found this place, and it gives you the feeling of connection

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Mia, 

I'm so sorry for what you went through. My introduction read very similarly. And yes, the "what did not happen" paradox - the invisibility of complex relational and developmental trauma. Reading this article "Death by a Thousand Cuts" helped me

... There's a good article here I found today that explains why this is so, how those of us who cannot describe our abuse as horrific and in some cases as abuse itself end up with Complex PTSD.
https://www.complextrauma.org/complex-trauma/death-by-a-thousand-cuts/

Those constant wounds - being invisible, unwanted, unlovable, shamed, treated as if you didn't belong - are relational traumas that cut deeply precisely because they come from the people who were meant to protect us. Minimizing it is something so many of us do ... but what happened to you was real, and it mattered. One of the first things I learned on this forum, by reading the experiences of other CPTSD survivors, is this: if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then yes - it really was that bad.

I'm really glad you're here. You deserved so much better - and you're not alone anymore.

(if that's ok)