Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

SanMagic7, thank you for reading and commenting! I was quite interested in the idea of instinctual boundary. I have been pondering this idea. How I had to overrule this instinct in the past. How I might tune into it more, now. Thank you!

[HannahOne]

Whiskers.

How to feel along the edges. How to know the boundaries. Can I fit? Is there space for me? How to scan, read the room. What is coming near?

The light catches Frank's whiskers like a halo. He moves his muzzle and they quiver. They pick up the airstream, the bunching up of air molecules that indicates the leg of the chair, the vibration of the dog's feet on the wood floor on the other side of the house. He walks foot by foot to the edge of the couch, sticks his head under. His whiskers feel along the edges. Will his rotund hind end fit through? He backs up. Sits up, whiskers vibrating. No more dog footsteps. Just the breeze from the ceiling fan, the clump of air at the leg of the chair. And me, my breathing. He twitches his whiskers to double check. He lowers himself, loafs. All quiet now.

And my whiskers? I feel I've been given a whisker-ectomy. I can't always feel who is near, who is coming, the size of an opening in life and if I can or cannot fit through. Instinctual decisions don't come instinctually. Instead, I start thinking. Did she mean what she said? What did she mean? She didn't mean that. She said something opposite before. But what if she did mean it? How can I know? I'm overthinking it. No I'm not! She must have meant something else....And round and round and round...

Frank sits up, alarmed. TOO LOUD, he says. TOO MUCH THINKING.

Sorry Frank. I am cluttering the air with mental noise, raising the vibration too high.
Is there a wolf? he asks.
No.
Ok then, he says. Shh.

Right, got it. Sorry. Shhh, shhh. Back into the body, the warm velveteen sack of fur, meat, bone, nerve. Well, I'm not so velveteen. Back into my meat suit, bone, nerve... I loaf. Frank flings his back feet out behind him in superman pose. He's not going anywhere anytime soon.

[sanmagic7]

Instead, I start thinking. Did she mean what she said? What did she mean? She didn't mean that. She said something opposite before. But what if she did mean it? How can I know? I'm overthinking it. No I'm not!

Hannah1, this quote got to me.  i live in a part of the country where people are very 'nice', as in, they don't always tell the truth for fear of hurting someone's feelings.  not that they have to come out and say 'yuck, i hate that' or anything harsh - there are ways to say something just doesn't work for you, or it's not of your personal taste w/o being brutal or unkind - but too many people i know do actually lie or skirt the truth in a way to leave me confused, and, yes, i now have to question many things told me by these people.

example:  i asked my friend if she like quacamole, and she gave me an enthusiastic 'yes', so i made some the way i learned from living in mexico.  i gave her a container of it, the next time i talked to her i asked her if she liked it, she said 'it's all gone'.  then i said, ok, cool, i'll make more when i get avocados, and she hesitated before whatever it was she said.  so, the next time i saw her, i asked about the hesitation, the 'it's all gone' statement, and she told me neither she nor her hub liked it, and it was tossed (gone).  he happened to be there at the tie, i said 'i hear you didn't like the guacamole i made' and he froze, stock still, deer in the headlights, looked at his wife, and i said that she'd already told me neither of them had liked it. 

then came the time-aged strategy explanation - we didn't want to hurt your feelings.  i said, you know, i heard you liked it, and i was going to make more for you (to me guac is a treat!), but you would've let me go thru all that work just to throw it away?  i'd rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie, and just cuz you don't like something i've given you doesn't hurt my feelings.

what came from this is much more wariness around these people, all the questions you asked, cuz on more than one occasion there has been promises made and broken, say one thing one time, the opposite another time, expectations that weren't followed thru on, and i've decided i really can't trust them to be honest with me.  so, yes, all those questions you asked, i think they can be pertinent in such situations.  w/ such 'nice' people we can rarely be sure they'll follow thru on what they've said, or mean what they say in the first place.  it's too bad.  but, please, don't make yourself crazy over it.  too many people have been taught to lie to 'save face', or not hurt someone's feelings.  just tread carefully, i think, and understand what might be going on underneath what someone says.  i think that's one way we can protect ourselves. 

by the by, this friend has other very good qualities, which is why i'm not going to eliminate her from my life - at least not now - but i remain wary, and take what she says w/ a grain of salt till i see proof.  love and hugs