Living As All of Me

[NarcKiddo]

I find boundaries, conflict very stressful, painful and even triggering. But maybe boundaries, taking a stand, NO are essential parts of being oneself, parts of me.

Same. Thank you for saying this because I need to hear it.

I'm sorry you are scared and sad and had a falling out with your therapist.

 

[HannahOne]

Thank you NarcKiddo! I really appreciate the support.

This sucks.

thank you for reading and responding. Means a lot.

[HannahOne]

Thank you, Chart. I really appreciate the support. There is definitely commitment and love here, and understanding. Feeling grateful. And sad.

[HannahOne]

Back at you, TheBigBlue!    

[sanmagic7]

i echo everyone's thoughts, hannah1.  falling out w/ your therapist can be so painful, can make us question ourselves to the nth degree.  i do believe conflict, boundaries, etc. are on the path to being our very own selves, but i also know it takes practice.  i think the more we believe in ourselves as people, the more we are comfortable with that notion, the easier it gets.  maybe not to the point where we enjoy confrontation/boundary setting, but at least to the point where we know it's important for reclaiming our 'selves' and we do it for that reason.

we're here w/ you.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

Thank you, Sanmagic7. "i think the more we believe in ourselves as people," very interesting. To believe in myself. As a people. I have to believe in myself, believe I'm real, I count, I matter, I know my own mind. 

[HannahOne]

*****************TRIGGER WARNING emotional abuse language

How do I know who I am? Who do you say that I am? I think, therefore I am. I am what I am. Who am I?

Who decides?

Do I define myself?

What role does feedback from others play in my self-understanding?

How can I see my own blind spots?

I was given a problematic identity. Both golden and scapegoat simultaneously in an insane split, then by age 7, no more golden. Only goat.

In the wider family, still golden, first to go to college, the one who made it out.

Then, survivor guilt.

Fraud.

Imposter.

How to be white trash from nowhereville and elite at the Ivy League. How to be a mother and a boss lady. How to be creative and within the lines. Within the lines and not basic. Ambitious, and easy going. Clear, and complex. Self-hating, and loving to others. Bruised inside, and just grateful to be here. Broken, and fine, thanks.

I had to contain these opposites, these extremes.

So yeah, I fragmented.

But I never left myself. In a haze of fists, I didn't float above myself. I retreated to a ball the size of a dot, inside. Inside me.

I didn't let anyone take any part of me. I didn't kill off any part of me. I shut some down, sure. I compartmentalized.

But I know my own mind.

Because of how I grew up I have always had a fierce insistence on who I am.

I took in "slut," "sinful," "stupid." I introjected the abusers with their cruel judgements and impossible demands and ruthless attacks.

But I also have my self. That knows my own mind. That went into a tiny ball the size of a dot inside. That told me where to go, what to do. Told me to freeze, to run, to smile, to agree, to play dumb, to plot, to plan. That assessed the abusers for what they were. Clear-eyed.

And I have parts, fragmented parts that never could cohere because of these irreconcilable, nonsensical opposites, because I had to contain these impossible dilemmas, because I refused to cut off or kill off any part of me.

That's trauma.

I know my own mind. I know who I am.

Other people may not understand. They see symptoms and think sickness. I see survival mechanisms and think safety, sanity, success.

I guess I wish I could live otherwise. It seems pleasant to be simple. I guess I wish I weren't so polarized inside. I'd like to be able to just put my foot on the gas and go where I want to go, instead of gas and brake at the same time. I'd like to be less conflicted, less complicated. I don't know what that's like.

I can't change that, I can't undo it. You can't unring a bell. What I can do is work toward inner attachment, interior relationship, more cooperation inside. I'm enjoying a lot more inner quiet these days.

But if you put me under stress or threat, it gets loud, a lot of conflicting perspectives, the cracks show, parts get more rigid, or under enough pressure I may momentarily retreat to a little ball the size of a dot inside. Don't worry, I'll be back. I'm still in here. I haven't left. I may get very quiet, because inside it's very loud.

Because I internalized my abusers, and polarized my mammalian defenses, because that's how I survived.

Oh well? C'est la vie? So what?

That's my own mind. I know it. That's All of Me.

[sanmagic7]

knowing your own mind, knowing you - to me, that's huge.  that you've never given it up, hannah1, shows not only the depth of your strength but of your determination to continue being you, being on this earth, taking up the space you're entitled to as one whole person.  even as splintered as you may feel at times, i see a whole hannah1.  i'm so glad you've never given her up.  love and hugs