Looking for hope...

[ray.valdez]

Hi there, my name is Ray and I'm looking for a little hope and maybe compassion.

I have experienced serious trauma since I was in the womb, and have been actively working to overcome challenges associated with CPTSD for more than 15 years. For the majority of that time, I was managing ok-ish. I am—was—high-functioning. But four years ago, I experienced a cruel betrayal that broke me completely. My inner light is extinguished.

One of the truly difficult aspects of this betrayal is that it revealed the depth of my family's indifference toward me. Since I left their church, the Mormon church, they've strongly insinuated that I deserve every bad thing that has happened to me. I turned to them for support and I was met with dismissal, defensiveness, and outright hostility. I finally understood the saying "there's no hate like Mormon love." It's been about a year since I've gone no contact with them.

Now, I'm all alone in the hardest moments of my life and I don't see a meaningful future for me. It's been so long, too long, and I've had no enduring relief from my CPTSD. If anything, it's gotten worse in the last four years.

I guess my question now is if healing is even possible. I wonder, are there any people out there who have actually healed from CPTSD? What helped you? Is there any hope for me??

[Blueberry]

  A warm welcome to the forum Ray! Sorry you need us but since that's the case I'm glad you found us.

The forum is generally very supportive and altogether our posts do provide hope for at least living better / easier / less triggered with cptsd. There are in fact members who rarely write on the forum anymore because they're pretty much healed tho they probably still get emotional flashbacks, but are better able to deal with them.

There are also a fair number of members, myself included, who were in healing for years before finding the forum and are aged 50+.

I'm sorry you're in a bad place rn feeling the pain of FOO (family of origin) betrayal and non-support just when you're at your lowest and most in need of support. There's a fair amount of LC and NC versus FOO on the forum, I'm VLC with the whole extended family. I do understand and others will too.

There's more I'm thinking in reaction to your post but don't have the bandwith to write down. I hope to read more from you on the forum!

[TheBigBlue]

Welcome, Ray. 
I'm really glad you wrote, even though I'm so sorry for what brought you here. What you describe: the betrayal, the loss of family support, and the spiritual shaming, cuts incredibly deep. Being met with indifference or blame when you're already wounded is devastating, and it makes sense that it shattered your sense of hope.

I don't know what "healing" ultimately looks like either, but I want to share this: I was high-functioning for most of my life too, and only learned I had CPTSD less than a year ago, in my mid-50s, after what felt like a breakdown and the loss of the numbness that had kept me going. It has been exhausting and painful - and also, slowly, there has been movement, small shifts toward more understanding, less self-blame, and moments of steadier ground.

One thing that helped me early on was learning that trauma can begin very early - sometimes before we have words or memories - and that this doesn't mean we're broken. Understanding that my nervous system adapted to survive conditions it shouldn't have had to endure changed how I see myself.

What's helped me so far has been a mix of learning and reading (including on this forum), consistent trauma-informed therapy (2× per week for now), and gentle nervous-system regulation. I'm far from "there," but I no longer believe that nothing can change. I hold onto the idea of kintsugi: repairing broken pottery with gold - not to erase the cracks, but to integrate them into something still whole and livable. That's the kind of healing I'm hoping for now.

You're not wrong for asking if healing is possible. Many here are living proof that things can become more manageable, even after long stretches of suffering. I'm really glad you found your way here, and I hope you'll keep posting. You don't have to carry this alone.

(if that's ok)

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm sorry you are struggling.

Yes, there is hope, and healing is possible. Whether one can ever become fully healed as opposed to an awful lot better is debatable in my opinion. I quite like the analogy of CPTSD being like diabetes. You can go a long time without realising you have it. When you realise you have it, you need to treat it. That can be hard work, and just how hard kind of depends on how intrusive the condition is. But you can absolutely get it under control and live very well and comfortably once you know how to manage it.

It can be particularly difficult for those of us who suffered trauma from very early on in life because we have no "normal" to look back and and compare things to. We have to find our own way to that. It's hard and you have to learn to trust yourself and your own instincts as to what is right for you.

One of the things that helped me most was to start learning how to care for and value myself, to discover what I actually do and don't enjoy, rather than simply obeying others. People who abuse you tend to take it badly when you find the strength to walk away - so well done for being brave enough to do that. I am sorry you have found your family to be unsupportive and hostile. You do not deserve every bad thing that has happened to you and your rejection of their ways does not make you a bad person.

[Chart]

Now, I'm all alone in the hardest moments of my life and I don't see a meaningful future for me. It's been so long, too long, and I've had no enduring relief from my CPTSD. If anything, it's gotten worse in the last four years.

Hi Ray, Welcome to the Forum. I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. I'd like to give you my opinion regarding a couple questions and observations you have posed.

There is a general undercurrent belief that Cptsd does not get worse. What happens however, is that we become more conscious of what happened to us, and that realization is extremely triggering and can be a great cause of increased pain. For many many trauma survivors, there is a long period of coming to terms with what actually happened. It (rightfully so) remains incredibly difficult to realize just how bad things were. This process is discussed in depth in Pete Walker's seminal work, "Cptsd, From Surviving to Thriving". I don't know if you are familiar with his books, but if not it is an excellent starting point and even contains incredible insights for those who have been conscious of their pathology for awhile.

I guess my question now is if healing is even possible. I wonder, are there any people out there who have actually healed from CPTSD? What helped you? Is there any hope for me??

It it course matters what you mean by "healing". Healing from developmental trauma is comparable to other physical injuries. Healing occurs, but there remain scars. And often, the wound causes pain even after all has "healed". And someone who has lost a leg, cannot expect it to grow back. Does this mean they are not healed? Does this mean they cannot lead a meaningful life? Wounds, even serious ones, do not imply there is no longer meaning in life.

So, in my opinion, yes, there is hope for you. Please see yourself as I see you right now. You are here reading these words. Yesterday, you did not know what you would do or where you would go. Today you have taken a chance to reach out, question, seek, communicate, try to find answers to the things that are the most important. Why are we here? What are we doing? What brings joy? Why so much pain? I think many people just turn on their tv and ignore their pain. You have not done that. For me, You are the definition of Hope.

I could have died in my mother's womb. I lived in extremely adverse conditions for four years and then suffered the toxic behavior of another care-giver who was impelled to strangle and manipulate to ease her own pain. I lived in fear, anxiety and depression for fifty years. I searched the whole time for answers. It was a long road, but now I know. I understand the mechanisms on a corporal, mental and spiritual level. I've instituted practices that help me on a daily basis. I have a great relationship with my two youngest children. I have made connection and friends who understand my experience, as it is nearly the same as their own.

I want to improve, and struggle still. But now I have the key, it's called developmental trauma, and there are things that I can do. Ultimately, I'm on the right path and the healing has become the journey, not the goal.

Again, welcome. Looking forward to sharing our experiences and this strange voyage together.
Chart
 

[HannahOne]

Hi Ray.

Welcome to the Forum! Glad you found your way here. I'm relatively new as well.

I do think healing is possible, I know it is, because I've experienced it.

Can I ever be someone to whom my life did not happen? No. Can I become someone who is content much of the time, reasonably functional, more self-aware, often curious, even confident? Yes!

I'm one of many here who report that at some point in midlife age 40-50 or so, we hit some kind of wall. Whether years of white-knuckling or denial catch up to us, or whether we experience a trauma or betrayal that seems to re-inflame old wounds, or whether midlife just hits different when you have a trauma background, it seems not uncommon to have a time of worsening symptoms at some point. Hopelessness can be a symptom of trauma.

I hope that as you read past posts you begin to see a way forward for yourself.

Personally, I wouldn't be where I am without therapy and I encourage everyone to seek a good trauma-informed, psychodynamic or attachment oriented therapist whenever possible. We absolutely can heal, and, it's tough to heal from relational trauma alone.