Explaining your history to children

[HannahOne]

I haven't shared anything near the extent of my childhood neglect and all types of abuse with my kids. I don't even think they think my childhood was particularly unpleasant or challenging, they just think it was a bit impoverished compared to theirs. They don't know I was ever struck.

My kids are 14 and 18 now. The 18 year recently said that they know I don't like my parents, but don't know why. We were very LC throughout their lives and NC the last few years, so they have met my parents but not seen anything like the full picture of who they are.

I want to share a little more of my history with my kids. I feel they need to know more who I am, and where I come from, as it's part of their own wider story. And the older one is asking. I would like them to understand better why I raised them as I did so they can make sense of their world. At the same time I am afraid that if they know even the bare outline, they would feel guilty/feel like they need to take care of me. Or that they would feel less safe in the world overall, knowing how bad people can be. Or even that they might respect me less somehow. It would have been better to tell them gradually over the years and it shouldn't be a big secret. Now I just can't find the words.   

Anyone else dealt with this?

[Kizzie]

Hi Hannah, there is an article at our sister site Out of the FOG you might be able to draw on although it's more in the vein of talking about a parent with PD. There are some suggestions for age appropriate discussions too. See https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/5/talking-to-kids.  There are also other resources if you Google this topic.

Personally I talked to my son about my trauma over the years in an age appropriate way. I would then invite him to ask any questions he wanted. It may be hard for them to hear what you've been through, but at the same time it may help explain certain things that they know either consciously or sub-consciously.

As for them feeling the need to caretake, my son did not feel the need because I was open with him about what I was doing to get help myself - therapy, Out of the Storm, etc. TBH, I think he is a better physician and person because he does understand how people may be struggling and why.   

Finally, and again just my opinion here but I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing for children/youth to hear there are people in the world they need to step away from and that they can use boundaries to protect themselves. That's the reality of life albeit not how we as parents would like things to be.