complex feelings on estrangement

[lowbudgetTV]

With recent events in regard to my family, I have felt triggered by the presence of the Holidays.

In the shortest explanation possible, I've been thinking of my very complex situation (though, most situations with relationships are going to be complex and not "textbook"...)

CW: illness, dementia, usual parental CPTSD stuff mentions...?



My mother haunts my waking moments, and on occasion my sleeping moments too. I hold no capacity for love for her anymore. I don't really want anything to do with her. Of course, that being said, I feel immense pity and understanding for someone to be so stuck in misery. It makes me sad. I would not want to become like her. I don't believe in her capacity to change. She is also ill, and will be until she dies, and she is in her 60s. Before I cut off modes of communication, her cancer was often used as guilt. I never felt pity for her plight in turn, because the guilt filled me with rage and resentment, for I was neglected throughout my entire life.

However, what I have been feeling recently is for my father. I do love my dad. He feels like a flawed human being while my mother in my mind is a monster I have detached from. I feel guilt for having to abandon him because they still are married/live together. However, I keep trying to disassociate from this guilt by thinking of his clearly existant dementia.

The dementia is a layered thing. My mother refuses to get him treatment or diagnosed because if he does have a condition, she's afraid she'll have no one to take care of her. My father is also a retired first responder career (probably has PTSD; we all agree) and is a super bad alcoholic. In regards to that, I will never sleep in the same building with him due to a bad experience. I am so angry at my mother for telling me her "inability" to help him because of her predicament, because the alcohol+mental issues is going to get someone killed! She used to... I don't know, trauma-dump talk-at-me about this fact? "Your father is going to kill someone one day! Oh well! I need to get to chemo."

Not to be political (and I won't go into details nor proselytize) but with family issues in this sad age there oft tends to be a political element, so I also feel a pit within me knowing she angrily argued with me and votes against her own needs due to hatred of others. Never her fault, always someone else's--such is the inability to reflect in these abusive people.

Yet here we are, my father, flawed as he is and still complicit in my upbringing, and I feel so evil for being powerless. I cannot bare the torment of my mother any longer. I have nothing I can do to help my father. They are stuck within their own monsoon of misery. I can't be there with them because I have tens and tens of more years left in me and I need to live. But I can still feel bad for my poor, beloved dad, because I also care for the ill people all over who have no resources or respect... I only hope I am not lost one day.

How do you cope with this complex problem? To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?

[Marcine]

Hi lbTV,
I sense the power behind your written words of the churning feelings you are experiencing.

The complexity of the questions is real. You are strong and human to face them as directly as you are. This is bravery and orienting to truth. Your compassion is evident. Your deep desire to find a way through is clear.

I believe holding and contemplating and grappling with a complex question, such as the one you ask at the end of your post, ("To help yourself, it feels as if you must hurt the ones you love?")
is powerful and difficult.

Sitting with the not-knowing-the-answer is incredibly difficult. Helplessness is natural in the face of such overwhelming forces and feelings.

I strongly believe you are not "evil for being powerless".

Your power and goodness are present as evidenced by the care you have for yourself and the other humans you know as your parents.

The only puzzle piece I can offer, and I do humbly, and you decide if it fits, or if it doesn't...

If I don't take care of/ support/ cherish myself, then I will cease to exist emotionally and physically. And anyone I love will then be not-helped by that.

So logically, if I do love others, I must take care of my needs first.

Thus, the well-known directive to "secure your own oxygen mask first before helping others with theirs."

Easier said than done in some circumstances. There are consequences to our choice to take care of our needs first. Real love is wanting what is best for the other, as they want what is best for us.

LbTV, I respect your courage and willingness to confront these complexities in your life. I wish patience and self-compassion to flow freely for you.

And for you to know you are not alone. There are other good humans grappling with these layered, challenging questions of loyalty to parents, care for self, how to live fully.
Best to you. 

[Kizzie]

Hey LBTV, I really feel for you.  My own experience with my NM was quite similar but I did get over the guilt for the most part as I acknowledged what she had done to me and why it would be retraumatizing for me to go be with her even when she was in hospice. It's a truly difficult thing for humans to do, to not attend to someone in our family when they are ill and yet it leaves us resentful and feeling used so hard to know what to do. In the end I chose me and I'm glad I did. Had I re-engaged I would have been set way back in my recovery. I did not even go to her funeral because the thought of people saying how good she was made me feel sick inside. So I didn't go and I'm good with that.

When it comes to your Dad, I suspect there are ways you might be able to get him some help by contacting social services in their area and explaining what is going on. It's likely a form of elder abuse that your NM knows he is having difficulty but won't help him. I think/hope SS would take some action on his behalf.  It may even be that your NM would also get some help if she's willing to accept it that is. It's just a tough thing when parents age and will not look out for themselves but that's why SS has some ability to act.  Just a suggestion of course.

Hope there's something helpful in this. It is a hard place to be so