I wish I could just enjoy medical school

[Liliuokalani]

Every single time I schedule my medical school electives, or do anything in med school for that matter, my inner critic goes HAYWIRE. I wish I could just enjoy myself! Clerkships are supposed to be a fun time where we go explore the different aspects of medicine to see what we like most. If you do a sub-I, that means you're serious about going somewhere to be a resident, so you basically pretend to be an intern and get a little extra work and be more serious. However, of course, we make it way more complicated. I've been told lots and lots of advise. Go to conferences in the field you want to be in, do the electives of that field early on so you can put them on your application, do research, etc. etc. Things are a lot more complicated than in the old days of medicine. And my life has made them even more complicated, having little family support and almost no money at all.

I wish I could just have fun. I'm thinking of cancelling an elective because it's in a different state. But it's in neurology, one of the fields I'm most interested in, and I'm having trouble finding that elective in the state I'm currently in. I really don't want to move to another state in a month. I'm a highly sensitive person and moving actually causes me ALL KINDS OF TRIGGERS. All kinds. My parents both accused me of having way too much stuff, they never helped me pack, they used to help me move but I stopped that all together because all they did was * the whole time about how all my stuff is heavy and why do I live so far up in the building. I get freaked out. I hate figuring out what stuff to keep or not, I feel weighed down with all the decisions I have to make, all the packing, all the organizing. I collect stuff while living places because I'm good at designing a comfortable little nest for myself that is stylish and comfortable. A place to be safe at the end of the day. But packing tears down that safe place and then I fall to pieces.

The way things are scheduled now I would have to move to a different state three months in a row. No thank you! I will die. But if I don't find a neurology elective before September it doesn't show up on my transcript and then my chances go down. But how much further down? Who the heck knows. Do I want to go into neurology so badly that I should rearrange my whole schedule for the coming months? Will it affect my chances of getting into a psych residency? Do I want to do pediatrics instead? Too much!

And I totally catastrophize and over-futurize. Every decision I make I see just making a permanent mark against me in getting a residency. I didn't make it to the psych conference because I had just finished a huge test and was too stressed to make the journey to Toronto. But then when I saw other students going to the conference I felt a pang of panic. That's it! I didn't go, I'll never get a psych residency! I want to cancel this elective and then just get whatever I can get for July. That's it! I'll never get a neuro residency because I'm trying to make my life less stressful! Why aren't you better at moving! Shame shame shame!

Talking to other med school students just makes it worse, we all freak out all the time about stuff like this because it all just gets more and more competitive and every little move you make means the difference between life and death, meaning residency or no residency. I just want to have fun and still get a residency. I don't want all these little decisions to freak me out. I just want to live!

[hypervigilante]

Liliuokalani, that is quite a large plate to digest every day! I don't know how you do it!

I wish I could be more helpful in saying what I think is most important here, but I feel such a deep connection with the hang-ups involving each aspect of the decisions your facing that I want to offer a different way of thinking when approaching your decision, as it's helped me in the past.

The best we can hope for is to be able to remain calm 95 degrees from a shipwreck.  We always want more information to point us in the right direction, but the truth is we simply don't have any.  We guess our futures, but we don't really know what they are or what they'll hold.  But what you do have is all you need: who you are, what you've learned, and who you're finding yourself more and less likely to be.

The truth of the matter is, neither taking the elective or not taking the elective will be "right" or "wrong"; it'll just be different.  You will no doubt get where you want to go, the trouble is how badly we want to get there the way we want to get there.  I've found that's hardly an option in life; having a plan that goes according to plan.  Psh, right?! Maybe instead of regretting anything, you'll make the most of whichever direction you go into.  The fact that you're in medical school at all tells me there's a good chance this will be true.


Additionally, you're clearly great at nesting. You can count on yourself for that.  While it's emotionally exhausting and definitely worth considering it's worth, you can have faith in your heart that you will always create a haven for yourself.  Don't let jealous family members rob you of that.  The only one who gets to judge you is you and I think you're doing a fabulous job today.


Three times in three months sounds really difficult and definitely extensive.  Maybe there's a way to store most of your things for that time while you take the essentials with you.  Unless you decide to practice stability in a different way and stay where you are now.  In this case, know in your heart you're on your way to getting what you want out of life.  Let's make sure you're getting it each day instead of waiting for it to come in the future, because we don't even know realistically how long of a "future" we even have.  We plan for it because we're intelligent beings, but no amount of planning guarantees anything.  Your skill and expertise is not in who's accepted you into their residency program, but from your confidence and love of what you do.  You will become all that you long to become with hard work and staying true to yourself.  I'm sure as a doctor, you'll remember the stress of med school but you'll be surprised at how much of the yet-written story went the way you expected.

Many hugs to you 
Believe me, you certainly have enough to stress out about!  Having fun is something desired and is also hard work to find.  I think you're in the right place and that through it all you're going to make a fine doctor!  Wherever you want!  You could spend 20 years in neuroscience and then want to complete a residency for peds!  Your life is your own and it's waiting for you.  You get to call the shots every day, so get in touch with that gut feeling of yours and hear what she has to say!

[Liliuokalani]

You know, it's like you found the perfect words to help me through this time. Thanks for the reminder. On the rare occasions I'm not high strung and full of panic and anxiety, I take a moment to look back at some points in my young adult life. I did not have a perfectly smooth journey to be accepted to medical school. But you know, it didn't matter one bit.

My very unhelpful pre-med counselor told absolutely everyone to wait a year before applying to medical schools, or she would take out the dreaded chard of GPA vs. MCAT score and your odds statistically of getting into my state's medical school. It's a good school, so the odds no matter what aren't great. But she would use that to scare the heck out of everyone. Literally the day before my friends would say oh, I have a meeting with our advisor. And then the next day they would say, I don't think I want to apply to medical school anymore. I, being very stubborn, actually made her very angry during my interview with her before applying to medical schools because I told her I was not going to wait another year. She almost shouted at me, "So what happens if you the only people that accept you is a caribbean school?!" I replied, "Well, I guess I'll go there then." That is exactly what happened. And that is exactly what I did. Me and many, many others. People with GPA's and MCAT scores far, far higher than mine. We all had reasons to go to this "inferior" school. It hasn't been smooth sailing. But the thing is, I probably would not have made such big changes in my life, or figured out why the * I'm so depressed and anxious all the time, if I had not gone and done this monumental challenge of trying to go through medical school in a developing country on a small island far, far away. I learned so much about myself, and realized that wow, I'm a lot more brave than I thought. Of course I was falling apart when my parents were "helping" me get settled. As soon as they left, I quickly got used to things and relaxed. That was my first warning sign that hm, something is up with my parents. They were acting like tantrum throwing teenagers the whole time they were with me. I had to be the adult when I felt like I had very little ability to hold myself together.

Things have very rarely, if ever, gone as planned for me. And I usually freak out at that point because my mom reacts that way. When her life is not perfect, her borderline PD traits kick in and she throws a tantrum. But I have been developing this great ability to adapt and have found that I'm great at it. So I guess, maybe, if I don't get a residency, the world won't end. Or maybe, I'll get one despite my not having a perfect resume. Who the * knows. I think I will try to live more in the present.

Thanks again!

[hypervigilante]

Oh my goodness! I feel like your experiences with your advisor mirrors my personal infuriating history with my inept advisor! I wonder if ours were twins! I had a college advisor tell me, word-for-word in reference to my desired coursework: "that is entirely too ambitious, and I do not support that." Also in the same conversation she said, "it's not my fault you can't afford college" because my registration failed without warning (mom misusing loan funds) which  kept me from my declared major's classes. I had been ahead of my college coursework since freshman year and by the time you could be a declared major and take higher level classes was Junior year. I'd already taken junior classes and was slated to take the rest of them.  There were seats for me, the major has a cap on it and you apply to get in- I just needed to attend for a week and enroll on paper as soon as I could find the funds for registration.

So when I said fine to the major level courses and asked what about this class? She responded " I teach that class, you have no reason to take that class. " point taken, jerk! Turns out she felt insulted that I felt the courses weren't accelerating as much as i was ready for (I told her I felt she was stifling me when she started getting pushy) The courses were her personal legacy (she was about to retire) and the classss were on pace for those who weren't -as I'll use the beautiful term positively -AMBITIOUS -as you and I are!

Also- same situation! This woman has discouraged other women to be in this field for YEARS and takes stuff so personally. Ps. Women made up only 10% of the major. Shame on her, right? ugh were supposed to stick together!!

But what I did instead was enroll in a super tough class and did really well in it. I think it supports the fact that people like you and I have FAR more to uprise from than what an advisor tries to throw at us. I always want to say, you think you're intimidating? Oh please, you have not met my family. Lol!


Anyway- sorry to spin-off on that tangent there, I wanted you to know how deeply I feel your sentiment on that one!!!

What I'm trying to say is:


You're totally right! When I did that something that I would never have done if it weren't for that obstacle i reached a higher height than I even planned for had I stayed the course.



It sucks a whole lot because I feel we have so much more to fight than what's asked of just an average person to get to a stable place. It sucks! There's not much more I can speak of on that that says much else! Lol but damnit do we know how to THRIVE and SURVIVE Better than anyone could bet.

Your med school track is absolutely stunning! I don't know anyone who has made so much of themselves as you have already. I have so much faith that in your heart you're going to do it time and time again. I wish so badly I could take the sting out of The process! But the return punch you pack is so much more fierce than what this world can even handle.

Even though we have merciless anxiety sometimes and we recognize our PD symptoms as we deal with our internal conflict, there are such good things that are uniquely yours for it.

The most reliable thing you can count on is your ability to adapt and make much greater gifts out of the fruits you've been given. You've been doing it all your life, and from the sounds of it you're incredibly good at it!

t's who you are! You're resilient, you're a survivor, and it's so beautiful to see you look back on what was once so stressful and have found so much happiness and self love within it.


It's nearly impossible to remember without a hand from someone watching you fight the good fight! You're on the winning end- even when it doesn't feel like it- and I wish you the BEST of luck finding your fun enjoyable moments on your journey to being more YOU!

[Liliuokalani]

I want to put you in my head and keep you there because I like your encouragement and positivity.

I like asides. I actually had three different advisers and I didn't like any of them. One was supposed to help me with a senior thesis. That never happened because he pretty much just pointed out how hard it would be to do one and shot down all my ideas. So I just gave up. I can win uphill battles, but not a whole thesis by myself. I need someone to offer guidance and I didn't even know where to begin. The adviser for my major... well... I think I got her fired. Or at least I was the final straw. Because a month later I called her for something and a different adviser than the one I had for four years left me a message. She didn't tell me until a month before graduation that I didn't have all my prerequisites covered. So I went over her head after meeting with her and her saying a lot of things like "well I wish I could help you but I can't." Please, don't pretend like you want to help me after you messed up. I know you're just trying to cover your *. After speaking with the head of the advisers I was able to graduate on time. But she assured me that I could still walk in the summer for graduation even if I wanted to take the last class and complete my minor at the same time. So I did that.

My dad flipped out and almost didn't invite any relatives to see me walk for graduation, that was extremely stressful and a panicky time for me. But my mom later called and said she convinced him to change his mind. I highly doubt she did, I bet my dad felt bad and took it back, but who knows.

It sucks when the people who are supposed to help us just don't. None of my medical school advisers have really given me any useful advise. They seem to be improving the program, but at the speed of molasses. So I rely on other panicky med school students and get a showering of contradicting and somewhat doom-and-gloom advise. "If you don't do ___ RIGHT NOW you'll never get a residency." I cannot handle that much "advise" coming at me at once so I try to stay away from herds of med school students, as they will inevitably start talking about applications for residency.

We are ambitious! I guess I should explain my choice of "stubborn." I've kind of reclaimed that word for myself. All my life, all my family members, boyfriends, friends, whenever I didn't do something they liked I was "stubborn." Not standing up for myself or being assertive. Just stubborn. Well I never really felt that bothered by the term. I was kind of proud of it. That I put my foot down despite all the "logical" arguments people kept throwing at me. My family is good at giving really hyper-logical arguments for things, in which emotions and personality are kind of taken as weaknesses thrown out of the equation. But I would put my foot down anyway. It would lead to cold shoulders for days, from my family mostly. Standing up for oneself was never ok. So I guess I always feel like standing up for myself will always lead to negative consequences, although in the real world it rarely does. Still convincing myself I guess.

But if not for my "stubborn" behavior I would never have gone to medical school. At the same time, my family would often try to convince me I was kind of weak and wasn't good at standing up for myself. My mom would be shocked if I argued a parking ticket or something like that. I was thought to be shy and timid. My stubbornness would prove them wrong. It's my primary means of survival. That voice that screams at me to change therapists if I don't feel comfortable with one but convince myself that the therapist knows better than I do. The voice that tells me that my parents are bullying me and that they don't know better.

Anyway, that was really long, sorry. But I printed this conversation (don't worry, I live alone and am very picky about people using my computer). I wanted the inspirational words, I wanted to keep them as a reminder during this stressful time. We are strong and ambitious, a force to be reckoned with. We'll make it. 

[hypervigilante]

Liliuokalani!  What sweet, kind words! I cherish this conversation often.  Upon revisiting it again now, I have to ask!  How have things been progressing?  Have you had to relocate?  If so, how has that been going?  Are you awaiting responses from schools still?

I see that you're really great at knowing your gut.  What's it been saying these days and how have you been living?

[Liliuokalani]

Thanks for checking in on me, I think that really shows that you care, and it's awesome that even know you don't know my face, you still remember me. Thank you. I'm touched.

One of the non-affiliate rotations fell through, so I scheduled another one in New York, where I am living, but my landlord unfortunately found other people to live in my home next month, so I have to say goodbye to my peaceful home by the sea and move into another person's apartment as a sublet for a month. This person's place is very pretty and artistic, I really like the design, but I hate Brooklyn. I mean I love visiting it, it's so full of life and culture and art. But I hate crowded spaces, I am just full of stress and I get claustrophobic. I am a mountain woman! I love the crowds when I know it's temporary. So I'm trying to pretend like it's a vacation even though it absolutely is not. Urgh.

I unfortunately failed my latest board exam and must immediately work on retaking it in the hopes the new score will show up on my residency application as soon as possible. So far, I really don't look like a great candidate on paper, even though I know that if I got to the interview stage I would totally kill it. I never look that great on paper. I'm actually not that stressed out about failing, I'm not as devastated as I thought I would be. I think I've dealt with enough failure at this point, or maybe I'm too exhausted to care. Who knows. Either way, I just have to get back on the horse and do it again. Supposedly they like to see that you are determined, just as much as they like to see you be successful, and determined I most certainly am. Resilient, I'm not so sure about that. But determined, yes.

Lately I've been so stressed that I spend my days off mostly staring at the TV and then getting out to stare at the beach waves when the day gets cooler. I honestly hate the summer. I hate heat. I'm a temperate climate sort of person and enjoy the cool air of the mountains, the fresh pine smell. I ache when I see pictures of the Rocky mountains. Literally ache. When I found out I failed my boards my first thought was, * all of this, I'm packing up my stuff and going to the mountains. I will get odd jobs and be there. But then I thought, I have too much debt, I'm in too deep now. So optimistic, aren't I? Good god.

I'm honestly hoping my xanax will help me make it through the worst of times but I also try to process my feelings on my own as best I can. But some days, a little extra help to calm down makes a big difference, makes it less scary for next time. It's great when I care just a little bit less and everyone wonders why I'm so even keel and laid back. I really hope I don't need it someday, and that I can go back to being the happy and adventurous person I was just before medical school. It was a laid back time when I was just a daycare teacher enjoying life, with a small apartment, going on lots of camping, rafting, climbing trips. I realized I need to be near nature to be happy. Which makes living in New York a challenge. But I do my best.

Country road... take me home...

[tired]

i had a rough time in medical school . i don't know how i finished it. i took a year off after 3rd year.  a lot of people were very critical but i did find a couple of people, one was the dean, who were understanding and said that they knew people who went through school with depression.  i had a classmate who was an alcoholic and he ended up dropping out and having a great career with psychiatry working with nancy andreasen, who is a well known expert in schizophrenia i think.  anyway my point is that there might be people in the medical school you can talk to and just lay it out straight. get some advice.  pick the right person of course.

i never did take the second part of the boards and i didn't do a residency and i can't imagine how it's done. you might as well have asked me to fly to the moon.  so many steps. starting from, wake up, put on socks... how do i get to "mail application"? 

i was able to find a psychiatrist to help me with depression and because i was a med student it was free.  and they were motivated to help me succeed.