the next step

[sanmagic7]

i'm in a new mind place again, which marks the next step for me.  i have a doc now, one, which i haven't had in i can't even tell how long.  maybe not since i was a kid.  for some reason my memory of doctors in my past has been being shoveled from one to another.  even the ones i thought were going to be the ones to take care of me - 2 that i remember, one for childbirth, one for general - both were called away at a crucial time in my medical history, and i had strangers, once again, doing whatever procedure was important at that moment.

so, i never felt like i could say 'my doctor said or did this or that', or had one who knew me and my history.  and in mexico, unless you paid out of pocket, which i couldn't do, the health service was a series of revolving doctors in training (they were sent to our small town to do their internship, so to speak, but it wasn't supervised, nothing like what we have here in the states, they spent a year in our town, then would move on to the big city).  so, health care there was spotty at best.  i mean, the cancer which continued to crawl across my head for over 15 yrs was diagnosed alternately as eczema or psoriasis.  it wasn't till i got back to the states that a doc took one look and gasped in astonishment, too biopsies on the spot.  turns out it was 2 types of cancers, and he saved my life, literally.

at any rate, i'm now here, planning to stay here, and have an established doctor for the first time in a very long time.  it's a new feeling, kinda good, actually, settled, strong, reliable.  that's nice.

and another next step is getting a new T, which i'm in the process of doing.  that will feel nice, too, especially if i can find one i work well with.  we'll see.  so, step by step . . .

[NarcKiddo]

    

[sanmagic7]

thanks for all the hugs and cheers, NK, but unfortunately all the good feelings didn't last very long and i'm in a very bad place tonite, crying, afraid, worried, anxious.  talked to a potential T today, he sounded gentle but he loved putting labels on everything i told him, and i hate those kinds of labels, don't care about them, just want some help from someone who's not going to hurt me anymore. 

[SenseOrgan]

Hi San,

I'm so sorry you encountered this party crash T. The type is a complete deal breaker for me. So I understand it's a kick in the teeth to hope you've found a match, and him turning out to be a labeling machine. That modus operandi is of a dying paradigm. You're a human being, not a collection of labels. That's how you deserve to be treated. Especially by a T. Off course you deserve help from someone who's not going to hurt you! They are out there. I hope you can tap into your previous vibe again soon. The established doctor is still there as a solid pillar for that. Love and hugs 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry the potential T did not turn out to be a good fit. I hope you soon find another. 

[Marcine]

San,

"just want some help from someone who's not going to hurt me anymore."

Absolutely. Natural. You deserve this. 

[sanmagic7]

SO, thank you for all you said.  you helped normalize my feelings for me.  labeling machine.  yes.  he also threw in 'avoidant attachment', which when i looked it up, had nothing to do w/ me. or my parents.  so, all this stress, and now, hopefully, i can calm down today.  thank you so much.

thank you, NK.  i hope so, too.

Marcine, i so appreciate that you wrote that.  thank you very much.

i could not settle at all last nite, couldn't get to sleep till sometime around 3 or 4.  i can't believe how much this disturbed me.  it was just weird that he kept trying to guess at and label what i was talking about.  i really appreciate what everyone said, cuz this obviously hurt me, and i only spoke w/ him about 20 min.  hmmm . . . i didn't think about that before, but, yes, feeling so agitated, disrupted inside, unable to settle are things that are not good for me.  i can't say how much i appreciate you bringing this forward for me.  i didn't quite get it, but you all helped fill it in for me.  thank you again.