The tipping point…

[dollyvee]

I actually don't go to doctors, except for my kids. I don't like to recognize that I am weak or broken or need anything.

I've come across it before in reading, and again recently in some Jay Reid videos, that trauma survivors are so used to things being difficult that that's what's expected. Actually, I think it was probably my EMDR t or my second t who also said, life is already so difficult, why make it harder? Again, I guess it crops up in prediction error ie we think we're going to be living in the same stressful environment over and over, so we have to be primed and "ready," but why not take the easy road? Why not try and get surgery for the hernia, or the shoulder? I think that I felt like this for a long time, and definitely still do subconsciously with some things, and that if I didn't have the fight, or the struggle then what did I have? It was always the struggle (or fear because I never know what is coming) that was familiar and without it, who would I be?

I hope all the best for your outer and inner family in 2026   

[Chart]

It was always the struggle (or fear because I never know what is coming) that was familiar and without it, who would I be?

Indeed, without the Fear, who would I be? Like digging a hole in the sand just where the waves roll up the beach. Every spade I take out comes rushing closed with the next wave. I've seen my Fear clearly for decades now. Many have told me, let go. But each time I try to drop the script of my past, the story seems to stay the same. It takes insane stillness to hear the change in silence. It is so very hard to let go of nothing.

But I shan't stop trying. Thankyou DV, for your thoughts and well-wishes.

[sanmagic7]

hey, chart, i understand that it may feel like fear is a 'nothing', which is why it can make it so hard to be rid of it, but thinking about that, it came to mind that fear is not 'nothing' but a big, fat something taking space in our bodies and minds.  you spoke before about waking up w/ fear, and how your parents would argue in the mornings, so being awake was fearful, actually, while sleep was w/o fear.  that made a whole lot of sense to me, and i can also picture that fear as being large, intense, and terrifying.  but i can also see it as a 'something' that can eventually be addressed and diminished. 

i had a similar situation for quite a while where the idea of living with fear was unknown to me, (while it's the opposite for you) so when i finally began getting some of that emotion back, i didn't know how to live with it.  i wrote here several times that i couldn't understand how people lived in fear for so much of their lives, how they coped, how they went about day to day shadowed by fear.  to feel real fear for the first time nearly dragged me underwater. 

as i keep working on it, continue to change those neural networks, i'm getting a little more used to it being a part of life, but it's taken time and repositioning my thought processes to accept it.  i think any time we look to change something it's important to give ourselves time,  patience, and love.  i hope for those 3 things as you wander thru this forest of fear, taking down the old, dead branches that are better used as mulch for the forest floor and the new growth possible.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

"Prediction error is nothing more than a name for something that helps to more accurately understand what "it" actually is. I had the same experience when I discovered the acronym CPTSD. For me, "Prediction Error is the element that allows me to define my EF in such a way that I have a little bit more elbow room to see and appreciate my inner children, the ones who suffered this process and the ones who are fated to repeat this suffering due to the neuronal necessity to "learn it or die"."

I only read a few posts so far Chart. I get not responding to all the comments on your journal, no expectation for you to reply. Just wanted to say good to see you working through your experience!

 I so admire the PMR and exercises you do each day. This is something I have to start doing as my health is breaking down in various ways and I need to take the needs of my nervous system more seriously and put myself first. I am inspired!

Your thoughts on prediction error are so interesting. I work with abused animals and they make prediction errors too. They don't have language-making brains like we do so they don't have a story to drop, or shift, they're more in the moment. So in some ways it's simpler for them. I just have to keep triggering them to be in the present, prompting their attention to the here and now where despite their prediction, nothing bad is happening, and getting them to notice that. They more easily "retain" that new nervous system stance, maybe because their brain doesn't start making stories and meaning out of it.

[Armee]

Happy New Year, Chart! 

[dollyvee]

Hey Chart,

I just want to clarify that I'm not encouraging you to let go of your fear. I think it's always something we will have in us, but perhaps our approaches on how to manage it will change with time. Maybe it's how does my fear shape the choices I'm making towards my health and well being, which might be directed by fear, or perhaps another way of putting it is child consciousness? For example, is the approach I'm taking now towards my health furthering the struggle I endured as a child, and not coming from a place of adult consciousness?

I hope you spend time with your little four year old. I can only imagine that a young boy growing up without a father would have to find ways and ideas of having to be "big and strong" with no weakness to exist in the world.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Chart]

Thank you everyone. I'm rolling forward, struggling, but there is momentum.

Brain fog all the time, hate it, but know why it's there; late this morning, snow, driving in snow, missed my alarm, made a tea nonetheless, arrived late, did Emdr with my therapist anyway (was worried we wouldn't due to lateness, realized Emdr can be "shoot from the hip" Here are the Emdr thoughts, (one of which I can't mention for fear of spoiling the book... Sorry I can't explain, but I mention it here for me to remember... not that I think I'll forget, it's just part of a larger scenario in the script of my life at present.)

Talk therapy is 99.99% useless... Emdr is linking the two hemisphere's, bringing the right into the equation... why doesn't the right brain have more say? Just because it's less implicated in survival?

Preverbal EMDR is possible, more than possible. The mysterious triggers surrounding preverbal flashbacks are the bridges to return to the root trauma. Then TRUST THE GUT.

My mother is just horribly horribly lost...

The Fear came AFTER my father disappeared, my mother could not SAVE anyone, especially herself, she asked me to do it, but I couldn't...

I realized the metaphor of the action done in the book by Norman Maclean...

There was something else, something else that came up in Emdr session this morning... it'll come, gotta brush my teeth.

Trying to get back in Keto. Skipped PMR this morning... hmm... Want to mention so many things... for some reason the movie Bugsy Mallone comes to mind... the guns that shoot cream puffs... my ex-g was obsessed with that movie, what a strange girl... thinking about her today did not bring up pain... something's working.

[HannahOne]

Chart, hooray for momentum! 

And hooray for shoot from the hip EMDR.

I too found talk therapy mostly useless, at least until the fragmentation was confronted. Janina Fisher has a book "Healing the fragmented selves of trauma survivors", also a workbook can't remember where the diagram was now... but basically she says that in trauma the brain "splits" along the lines it's already split, the right/ left, the amygdala loses touch with the hippocampus and the neocortex, etc... I find it an interesting way to think about treating trauma. The right brain, and all parts of the brain, MUST be involved for therapy to be effective, and the idea that we must "verbalize" to heal is actually totally outdated by current neuroscience research. In fact talking directly in detail about the trauma can make it worse, exposure is a double edged sword. A therapy like EMDR can bypass the language part of the brain's tendency to hijack the process, thus making the treatment more holistic and including more parts of the brain. And that's where better healing comes. And yes, the gut IS part of the brain too! The gut brain connection is real. Solidarity on your healing journey, something is working.

[Chart]

Thanks HannaOne!

Yeah, the process of Emdr is definitely unlocking things. I cry. I cry harder while doing emdr than other times, but not always. I nearly always cry when I do my PMR in the mornings. I have to pause the audio and cry for a bit. All sorts of interesting thoughts invade at that moment, but I try to let them slip past and stay on my body. My little baby ic comes up at those moments, really strong. I don't see him, but he is there. I "feel" him. He seems sooooooo far away. Like another planet, another life. But he's there. I could begin crying now, just thinking about him.

So mourning... mourning, mourning, mourning. The crying "solidifies" something. The Emdr breaks the bonds, or makes the link in the affect right-brain, then the tears come. It hurt like all get-out. I tried to run, but I had no motor functions in my legs... and the bars of my bed were too high...

Tonight I am writing on the Forum BEFORE going to bed. I am not going to allow myself to dissociate, like I did last night. I felt good last night, but then allowed myself to dissociate with YouTube (and other stuff). It was... not the best. Tonight I came on the Forum to bounce around, write, implicate myself, participate, and now I want to express... for me... to me... I need some strength. I need some help... not from others necessarily, I need to start giving myself a hand, somehow stepping in with the part of me that can handle a little bit more. That part of me needs some more energy to step up. I'm wanting so desperately love, as always, as usual. I dream of a loving relationship and intimacy and simplicity and safety... but all of it a dream. Ok, why not, but a soul cannot subsist on illusions of the past and projections of the future. I need a glass of water, the present moment, a deep breath, and clarity.

[Marcine]

"I dream of a loving relationship and intimacy and simplicity and safety..."

That is a beautiful dream, Chart.

[HannahOne]

"That part of me needs some more energy to step up."

I can relate to this, Chart. Managing energy can be a big job!

It sounds like right now you're mourning, and mourning is tiring, so it can be hard to find the energy.

And, you know you have the inner strength to give yourself and your ic's. Your dream of love and safety, connection, is part of that strength, coming from the part of you that was strong to survive, and knows what's good, and wants to go after it.

[Armee]

I'm in awe of your ability to cry and feel, Chart! 

[Chart]

Thank you HannahOne, Marcine, Armee...

I'm in awe of your ability to cry and feel, Chart! 

I have always felt... Only recently have I begun to cry. But I find the word "cry" inappropriate. I don't believe that's what I'm actually doing. For all appearances it's crying, but I'm slowly slipping towards an understanding that the tears are not only water, they are truth-understanding coming and settling into their rightful place. I am a (mostly) Pre-verbal Trauma survivor. There are no personal memories. I have stories and the amazingly off-cuff memories of my mother... I also have an older sister (who probably went a long way to dramatically minimizing my trauma, but she couldn't be the parent I actually needed, and she was as terrorized by him as I was). No, tears are the lenses through which I see more and more clearly what actually happened.

And so I let them roll now. I've searched my entire life for these memories. I've begged god for them as only an unbeliever can beg a usesless god of whom he's never bought into. I revel in the stories that now float into my left brain... and boy are they coming. Not in mass, but more the subtle waftings of piano heard through an open window. But my ear is trained and I listen and pick up on it straight. I remember what was said, and more importantly, what was not said. I remember his tone of voice, and now understand why certain men have terrified me all my life, why I've never liked the actor Jack Nicholson, why ignorance coupled with insensitivity brings forth often severe anger.

But I need to say something else. The understanding I have found in the past two years has cost me a great deal. I am EXTREMELY low energy. I have a hernia now. I can no longer tolerate many many foods. Sugar plunges me into depression. My body hurts. I no longer have full strength in either of my arms and am currently in a bad way because I threw tiles up on a roof for two days. My wrists are currently out of service.

Realizing the extent of my trauma has been incredibly debilitating. I'm managing to work, but it is just the minimum possible. And I do very little else besides work, take care of my kids, and do my nervous system exercises, emdr and write on the Forum. (Is that in order of priority? maybe...)

And now I'm pooped :-) And one more thing... Every single time I write on the Forum, I feel a little voice in me that tells me I'm wrong, bad, egotistical and selfish. It's incredible. It's there every time. I overcome it, but it's still there.

Healing is the path, not the goal...

I deeply truly madly love you all.