Re-traumatization activates PTSD (TW emotional abuse and aggression)

[DD]

I was doing so much better already. I saw a reduction in the PTSD symptoms of flashbacks and such. And then a relationship I was in turned bad. It had not been good for a while already at this point as it was filled with uncertainty. But it turned bad in the last year. While I don't want to go into unnecessary details, I do want to touch upon a few instances to describe the level of bad.
******
TW

We were participating in the same project and he had promised to do some parts of it. We were running out of time and I asked him for help and finally voiced my disappointment that it wasn't happening. He reacted by breaking his hand against a wall while yelling at me. And then repeatedly told me in the following month how I pushed him into it. I was so proud I just walked out on the evening when it happened.

On another point a friend of his was visiting and this friend was actively shunning me when my friend had actively arranged I f.ex. help drive them around. And at one point I told him direct that this behavior will trigger bad trauma in me, but he didn't change behavior and just enabled this to continue.
 
My final point was when yet another time he had not delivered what he promised and I was the only one in that project still talking to him. So he decided to yell at me during 2 phone calls each lasting 45min-1h. I repeatedly asked him to please stop yelling at me but he did not.

And as I pulled away, he kept poking and speaking unkindly, attacking etc.

End of description of bad behavior
******

I have systematically removed his existence in my life, but I think I let it go on for too long. I had work-related reasons but already in the summer I wrote this detailed plan on how to exit the relationship safely that I then executed. But finding myself again in the position to have to make this kind of a plan (my marriage ended badly), was not good.

Once I had executed my exit plan far enough I told him that his behavior caused damage. At that point he just took a lot of distance from me. Which I appreciate even if I am fairly sure it is joined with a large level of victim-hood and zero accountability but it still makes things easier for me.

But after that point it seems my PTSD is back in full force. For about 6-8 months I've kept this person stable around me, I exited calmly(ish). And now, example: I returned some hardware to his place yesterday knowing he would not be around so no danger of running into him. I've had a trauma spiral since then. It started with nightmares all night long about running from dangerous people and trying to hide,

He is not the worst I've known. And the strength of my reactions causes shame because he's not _that_ scary. But I seem to react as if I'm in acute danger. And we do run in the same circles, and I had this event we both attended a week ago and spending that evening in the same very large room, I was constantly aware where in the room he was and after I spent some hours just crying. Just being that state of hypervigilance and pretending everything is fine, when it really isn't, was not good.

If anyone has ideas why in my mind he is this terrifying suddenly, I'd love to hear with the hope it would alleviate the shame. Because the shame is bad. It makes me feel I will never be all right and I'll just keep hurting everyone around me as my family again pay the price for me being triggered.

He is also still in a family group in one app I use. I'm paying for it and I would rather he not be there, but I'm scared kicking him off would get another nasty reaction from him even as I believe I would never see it. I don't know if it's an unnecessary poke to a bear. or if I just handle the discomfort.

I will have to see him in a week again. So any ideas on how to make it easier on myself and how to tend to the after effects and aftercare are most welcome. Based on the previous two things in past weeks I'll react very badly even if nothing goes wrong.

I understand on a logical level how hard this is. I promised myself the first time I had to make a safety plan that never again and here I was yet again in a situation that needed a safety plan. Maybe it would not have needed but I felt it did and that's the thing. How do I support myself through this when all I want to do is lament the fact that I have to AGAIN? He knew exactly how bad it had been and he'd seen the struggle I'd gone through to walk the healing journey. The level of betrayal of him putting me back through it is still coursing in my veins.

The worst thing he ever told me was that seeing how de-stabilising the healing is, he'd decided not to go for it. He has traumas in his background. But to have my healing journey used as a reason not to handle his issues... It still stings.

[Armee]

 

I think your title says it all. And that all sounds really bad and I am so sorry you went through and are going thru all that.

Yes retraumatisation of the type you experienced in this relationship causes major PTSD flare ups. Its pretty much the definition of retraumatization...something that reactivates past trauma and PTSD.

For the next time you have to interact something that has helped me when encountering things I know will be triggering is to remind myself that is will be triggering and to identify as many points of potential triggers as I can. And then afterwards to name my reactions as the result of triggering. It helps me stay slightly more in the present. Not completely but it does help more than not doing that. For me at least.

Wishing you safety and eventual peace.

[NarcKiddo]

I am so sorry. Well done for getting out.

It seems to me that although logically you say he is not *that* bad, emotionally he is bringing up all of the terror that you have experienced from people who are *that* bad. Which is no surprise since, as Armee has said, past trauma is getting reactivated.

You did really well to realised you needed a safety plan and a plan to get out. You made the plans, you executed them and you are reducing all contact to the smallest necessary. I hope contact can soon be nil. Please try not to feel ashamed about your reaction to all of this. It is totally understandable and is a normal reaction given your past experiences. I get terribly worked up still about meeting with my FOO, even though I now know I am strong enough to stand up to them. They consistently behave more tolerably these days but my emotional self finds it hard to accept that I can handle the situation, even if they suddenly revert to how they used to be.

Since you have to see him again, soon, while emotions are still raw from the last trigger, I think one practical thing you might do is try to get rid of any other potentially stressful events in the days leading up to and after the event. Give yourself time to process things and remove any unnecessary stressors from your calendar. There's often tiresome "obligations" at this time of year but give yourself permission to cancel things you don't want to do. Claim illness if you need to. You don't have to power through everything just because logically an encounter with him is not *that* bad. You need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[TheBigBlue]

... You don't have to power through everything just because logically an encounter with him is not *that* bad. You need to take care of you, whatever that looks like.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

     

[Kizzie]

Hey DD, like those who already responded I too think you've done a great job of trying to deal with an untenable situation. Someone who continues to betray me when I have told them how they make me feel or have told them to stop would be triggering for sure. It takes us to that place of fear, powerlessness and loss of control we were subjected to in our past trauma. 

A couple of thoughts I had was to be resolute in the thought that they do not deserve to take up any real estate in your head and you are going to continue to do your level best to move on/away from them. Another is to congratulate yourself on the work you have done and are doing to decrease/get rid of this trigger. 

Finally, when you must see this person would it be possible to have a buddy/friend with you throughout the event? It can feel safer having someone with you and if it's someone who knows what's going on and supports you, even better.

[DD]

Thank you all!  (for all who find it appropriate)

I considered bringing a friend with me, it's a good idea Kizzie, and am trying to find one now who could. Unfortunately it is the time of year it is. Luckily I'll have many there I know. But it is the location of some of those events. Oh yey, I found someone who can come .

NarcKiddo, it's a very good idea to reduce all stressors. I hadn't even thought of that. It's really not good for the triggering events to come this fast one after each other. But I think I can reduce all activities between now and then and also I have nothing big planned afterwards. Still, just knowing in advance that Saturday is going to be bad most likely will help me. This saturday I completely lost track of time, as in hours had just vanished. I usually don't have that, or not that I've noticed as clearly as now.

I still don't know which is worse: the bad things happening, or the pretending nothing is wrong as one is having those reactions and situations ongoing. I had considered the happenings to be bad, but I think the pretending is actively harmful also. What do you all think about this?

Armee, a good idea. I might make a trigger bingo card for myself and see if I can make it a full bingo.

My body and mind is fully convinced it was exactly very bad. Going there is like walking up to the dragons den with a trumpet blaring. I tried so hard to keep him calm and functional because we were doing a business project. Now I'm thinking if any business is worth that or what I am now dealing with. It had the lot: the coercive control (my way or the highway kind of negotiations), gaslighting, manipulation, aggression, yelling, dismissing boundaries. I think my mind oscillates between what I feel to be true (it was rightfully exactly that bad) and the image he gave of himself.

I was already on sick leave with exhaustion for a while in the summer (2,5 months actually) and while on sick leave he pushed me onto a new project he promised to contribute on. He didn't in the end do the parts he had promised and that led to the yelling. But I find it very hard to forgive that he pushed me in the project in the first place. I was told, by the doctor and I told him this as well, that if I keep pushing myself like I was, I might lose my ability to work completely and permanently. I told him this. As I told him about my exhaustion and such and yet he kept pushing me forward for the gain of his company and his business prospects. From what he told me it seems that to him, ability to get to an event that the work I did enabled, was worth more. So basically he risked my health and ability to keep functional to attend a prestigious event. I have kids.

I knew it would be a bad idea. I did it anyway. i still don't fully understand this.

While I delivered this thing that took way more out of me than I had to give, he did make me food. And this he kept bringing up as how useful he is and good to have around. That somehow the food should have made the rest of it ok. It didn't.

My mind is still trying to make sense of if he is a monster inside. Or if I just see him as such. As if making sense would help at all here. Did he mean to do this or did he do this because he's nearing total burnout himself and is fairly desperate to have his company succeed. So my question to this group is as follows: Should it matter to me why he acted the way he did? Should I now just focus on healing the consequences?

[TheBigBlue]

I hope this doesn't come across as preachy, but I recognize this place so much. What my therapist would gently remind me is that what matters most is the impact on you, not his intentions, explanations, or inner struggles. Your body is reacting because it was that bad for you - and that reaction is real and valid.

Trying to figure out why he did it can keep you stuck in self-doubt and looping. You don't have to decide whether he's a "monster" or not. You already know the situation harmed you. That's enough.

Focusing now on tending to what it did to you - your nervous system, your safety, your recovery - is not avoidance. It's care. And it's allowed. 💛

[Chart]

I hope this doesn't come across as preachy, but I recognize this place so much. What my therapist would gently remind me is that what matters most is the impact on you, not his intentions, explanations, or inner struggles. Your body is reacting because it was that bad for you - and that reaction is real and valid.

Trying to figure out why he did it can keep you stuck in self-doubt and looping. You don't have to decide whether he's a "monster" or not. You already know the situation harmed you. That's enough.

Focusing now on tending to what it did to you - your nervous system, your safety, your recovery - is not avoidance. It's care. And it's allowed. 💛

   

"I knew it would be a bad idea. I did it anyway. i still don't fully understand this."
IMHO, this is developmental trauma. As a child even, I knew my caregivers were f-up and their behavior was nothing but "bad ideas". But what choice did I have (as an infant baby, young child, adolescent...) what choice did I have but to go along with their bad ideas... if I hadn't, I wouldn't have survived.

This is developmental trauma. No choice... at that age... Any wonder we're still processing that?

 

[DD]

Yup. The amount of bad ideas I've had to do and follow along with to keep the people around me either directly hurting me or facilitating the hurt to happen... It can have been as simple as just being the less threatening of the two evils at the time.
The BigBlue, it does not come of as preachy. I think you are right. It doesn't really matter. I think I'm intellectualizing it because it's easier than feeling it. I think it is also a survival mechanism I use. If I understand the behavior, I can live with it. As a child I had to live with it, so it made sense. Now, though, I no longer have to. So now it does make all the sense to just look at the outcomes and act accordingly.I think I need to learn a new pattern here of interrupting the intellectualization and the trying to make sense of it every time I catch myself doing it. And just focus on something else.

[NarcKiddo]

At a certain point in healing I think it can be helpful (not always and not for everyone, but it can) to understand that bad behaviour from others can come from a place of trauma. That can help you to understand, emotionally as well as logically, that it is not generated by you and it is not your fault. In my own case I know perfectly well that my mother must be very damaged because her own mother was off the scale awful. However I have had past discussions with my T where she has suggested that maybe I don't need all the fear I have because I am no longer a defenceless child. I told her that I needed the fear, and the anger, because at that time if I did not have them I would be liable to open myself to further abuse. I was not capable of reacting in a safe and mature emotional way. I'm still not fully capable but things have improved and I now have more mental capacity to consider where my mother's behaviour comes from. Understanding it is not - now - going to make me feel sorry for her and want to make it all better at my own expense.

Given you are at a stage of knowing things are a bad idea but doing them anyway, I would suggest that you may still need your fear and anger because they are warning you against doing something possibly harmful. You are the person who best knows what is most helpful for you to focus on, but to an outsider it seems like you probably need to deal only with the effects on you at this stage. In time, when emotion is more closely aligned to logic, you may find it helpful or instructive to consider where his behaviour came from. Or you may be so past him that you find it really doesn't matter to you any more why he did it.

[DD]

You're right NarcKiddo. The thing that kept me "taking it", so to speak, for so long was precisely because I understood him so well. I know the trauma, and the damage, he refuses to handle. I see the avoidance, the pain, and fear in him. I also know it has nothing to do with me. He's running from his own demons. For a long time I wanted to help him to do so because I struggled alone for so long. I had no one so I didn't want that for him (or anyone).

I think you said it very well here though that you needed the fear and the anger so you wouldn't allow further abuse. I think I'm at that point too. I allow unhealthy behaviors from others that hurt me so their journey would be easier. Because I know how hard the journey is. But I think I've done all I can on that front and now only my kids are allowed to express their trauma past with me in unhealthy ways. But for me to be a safe place for them for the work they have in front of them due to history, I cannot accept it from anyone else. And maybe this thought helps me, so I protect myself for them until I can do it for me.

I still have these "was it bad enough" thoughts this time too I remember from the shelter. At the same time everything around me feels unreal and nightmares are almost nightly. It was bad enough. And until I can keep myself safe with safe boundaries fortified with swift consequences I'll keep my fear and anger. And the absolute heart break I feel as I see the damage. He's an adult. Actions have consequences. Hurting me like this should have consequences like no access to me.

[Chart]

 
 

[TheBigBlue]

(if that's ok)

[DD]

That is very ok