Marcine’s journaling forward

[Marcine]

Well, here I am doing exactly what triggers me deeply— being vulnerable and exposing the soft belly of my self... I thought I could never post a recovery journal, that it would be too dangerously serving myself up to be eaten alive... and here I am.

Logically, I know that I am writing here because it is a safe place on this forum and that I have experienced connection and kinship with others here.

Emotionally, I crave to connect authentically and I am terrified to connect authentically.

What an intense, churning mix of feelings.

The more I have inched my way out in the social world as authentic me (a relatively recent phenomenon) the more I anticipate facing the old terrors, the boogey man, the rhino in James and the Giant Peach... But, I find there's no epic threat, no terrifying villain, no do-or-die existential danger... and this is very confusing.

Sitting with this confusion shows me that the old dangers were real, that the old equations of authenticity=death were lies, and that I can maybe-kinda-sortof BE in the present.

That's more of an intellectual understanding.

Right now, my heart is pounding, a headache is throbbing— I see you, old warnings of danger. Thank you for being of service and helping alert me during times of survival in the past.
I release you from service now. This newness is not dangerous.

And even as I wonder "what have I done?" by writing this, I shall tap on "post" and, after clinging to the shore for so long, I leap into the wild, vast current of being human me.

[TheBigBlue]

Your post touched me so deeply. The way you described that mix of longing and terror - wanting connection but bracing for danger - is exactly where I keep finding myself too. I actually tried starting a recovery journal last week, and I spiraled so hard afterward that I ended up deleting everything yesterday.


Reading your words: the courage, the clarity, the way you honor both the fear and the part of you that wants to be seen, gives me hope that I might try again someday. The fact that you tapped "post," even with your heart pounding and old danger signals firing, is incredibly inspiring.

You made this space feel a little safer for the rest of us who are inching our way toward authenticity too. Thank you for sharing something so raw and brave. It matters. And it helped me more than you might realize. 

 

[Desert Flower]

Yes, Marcine, very authentic and real and brave you are.

It made me think of something I read recently, that Janina Fisher wrote: "Why do therapists keep asking me to sit with my feelings? They don't understand. I don't have feelings, I have tsunamis!"

I can totally relate, wanting to be validated and being scared of reaching out at the same time. Here is a safe place to reach out, in my experience. I hope it will help you too.