Fearful avoidance

[Ran]

I read something about it online and think that it matches up with my experience.
I think my inner child got attached to this new family (other forum) as it was safe place and gave me a sense of belonging, but I'm so afraid of keep getting hurt that something makes me pull away from people and this all makes me feel very conflicted like wanting connection, but at the same time not wanting it. So it's anxious avoidant and avoidant attachment style together. It makes sense to me.
It was frustrating at first, when I didn't know exactly what was wrong. I just felt I want to talk to people, but the energy wasn't there and I was kinda pulled within and not showing anything too much outside in fear of rejection. I find it really difficult to regulate my emotions. Any little bit of critique "no I don't see it" was like a new scar. What absolutely frustrated me and just caused even bigger emotions.

With relationships I am very mistrustful. I don't see the possible good intention and vulnerability, when people share something potentially damaging to other people. I also think I get fixated on things I see as issues and trying to change people who don't see these issues and I can get quite mean due to frustration, even if not wanting, but even if I feel remorseful, then pattern keeps happening. And even now I feel I do myself disservice by letting it go, because I feel the pain of others very deeply, even when those other people are not there and never asked for me feeling for them, then I can't help it and the people not understanding get angry at me and I only get more frustrated.