Ran's journey

[Chart]

Trauma brings so many of our behaviors to a unhealthy level, be it eating, sleeping, exercise, almost everything. There is always a healthy balance to strike. Trauma skews this equilibrium, so that the great majority of our behaviors are "beneficial" to being "safe" but detrimental to nearly everything else.

Trauma healing (imo) is the slow and methodical unraveling of all these aspects of ourselves that came about through mistreatment and abuse, restructuring them as they "should" have been in the first place.

It is a long long road.

But what becomes clear through wise and unending search of understanding... it is not the destination, but the journey...

Stay true, stay open, never stop evolving.

Love and support
 

[Ran]

I'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.

[Ran]

Trauma brings so many of our behaviors to a unhealthy level, be it eating, sleeping, exercise, almost everything. There is always a healthy balance to strike. Trauma skews this equilibrium, so that the great majority of our behaviors are "beneficial" to being "safe" but detrimental to nearly everything else.

Trauma healing (imo) is the slow and methodical unraveling of all these aspects of ourselves that came about through mistreatment and abuse, restructuring them as they "should" have been in the first place.

It is a long long road.

But what becomes clear through wise and unending search of understanding... it is not the destination, but the journey...

Stay true, stay open, never stop evolving.

Love and support
 

Thank you. It is a journey and a painful journey, but I'm determined, though at times things feel hopeless, when my depressive episodes take over.

[Chart]

I'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.

Ran,
This sounds to me like very toxic behavior on the part of your father. As a father myself, I have learned, and I try, to support my children in their endeavors. Additionally, parents are financially responsible for their children, their well-being, their mental and physical health, etc, until a certain age. And in many countries (like here in France) and cultures, the law stipulates that parents continue being financially responsible for their children well into their twenties. Parents cannot just "cast-off" their kids. So the fact that your parents are still supporting you financially and with lodging while you pursue your medical studies is ABSOLUTELY normal and part of the order of Nature. This is what parents do! I imagine that you are active in the house and participate in helping their needs as well. This is all perfectly normal. I have said this before, and I am not alone in this opinion: Children owe NOTHING to their parents. As a parent myself, I cannot expect financial, emotional, physical support from my children. I CHOSE to have children, and I engaged in an obligation to raise them to the best of my ability. My children "owe" me nothing for the things I have done for them. This is the cycle of life and the natural order of things.

This fact seems to be incredibly blurred and twisted around the world in many many families...

I am very sorry, Ran, that your father and others are treating you this way. You do not deserve this kind of treatment and it is not an indication of who you are as a person.

I hope that you can find a way to distance yourself from this "toxic treatment". It's not easy, I know...

Sending support.
 

[Ran]

I'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.

Ran,
This sounds to me like very toxic behavior on the part of your father. As a father myself, I have learned, and I try, to support my children in their endeavors. Additionally, parents are financially responsible for their children, their well-being, their mental and physical health, etc, until a certain age. And in many countries (like here in France) and cultures, the law stipulates that parents continue being financially responsible for their children well into their twenties. Parents cannot just "cast-off" their kids. So the fact that your parents are still supporting you financially and with lodging while you pursue your medical studies is ABSOLUTELY normal and part of the order of Nature. This is what parents do! I imagine that you are active in the house and participate in helping their needs as well. This is all perfectly normal. I have said this before, and I am not alone in this opinion: Children owe NOTHING to their parents. As a parent myself, I cannot expect financial, emotional, physical support from my children. I CHOSE to have children, and I engaged in an obligation to raise them to the best of my ability. My children "owe" me nothing for the things I have done for them. This is the cycle of life and the natural order of things.

This fact seems to be incredibly blurred and twisted around the world in many many families...

I am very sorry, Ran, that your father and others are treating you this way. You do not deserve this kind of treatment and it is not an indication of who you are as a person.

I hope that you can find a way to distance yourself from this "toxic treatment". It's not easy, I know...

Sending support.
 

To clarify a bit. I study in a different field now. I'm pursuing graphic design course as my health and cptsd do not allow me to do physical work, before this all I was proffessionally trained as a caregiver. I like arts as I have always been more creative, but due to not knowing what I wanted, then in ways this caregiver role was pushed upon me. One of my big goals is to publish and illustrate my own books and this is why I'm pursuing after graduation a masters degree in graphic design as this is part of the program. I'm also hoping I can work from home with graphic design and earn income this way as with graphic design you can find work from all over the world and I know how internet works and marketing are something I'm knowledgeable about. I'm hoping that this gives me a way out of my enviroment. Living at home is also financially smart, but I need to figure out how to do this as I am a caregiver for my parents and sister and I think they do need another caregiver and home nurse as someone to help them out. It's hard to convince them though as they are stubborn. So I need to be smart about it. I'd still be delegating everything, but I wouldn't have to be present 24/7.

[Chart]

 

[Ran]

 

[Ran]

I really appreciate everyone who have replied to me. All of this is very valuable for me, so thank you so much everyone. 

[Chart]

You're not alone, Ran. Thank you for sharing your story.
 

[Ran]

Got new information. Seems me helping family members with disabilities could count towards disability support activity requirements and I wouldn't have to worry about working or studying or attending job office and my financial support would continue. It would take immense pressure off my shoulders and I can still do my work in graphic design field and use this time to heal more withouth extra worry.

I ended not telling about the cptsd stuff to GP. I think I got scared a bit, but I still can tell my psychiatrist.

My gp wrote me medication for my heart as I get palpitations and had high blood plessure.

I think a lot of the symptoms especially inflammation that do not go away with antibiotics and high sensitivity to medications could be due to cptsd as well. I did read some stuff about it online.

[Chart]

Ran, someone recently wrote about Bessel Van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" here on the Forum. You might want to look into the book if you haven't heard of it. I'll try to find the link here on the Forum.
Glad to hear about your disability requirements being fulfilled.
 

[Chart]

Found it:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17020.0

[Ran]

Found it:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17020.0

Thank you.  I actually do know about the book. There is a pdf version available online and I'm reading it, though I haven't got very far. I can relate to stuff as well.

I heard about the book a long time ago, before I even knew about my cptsd and thought it's intresting, but never got around to reading it. It does seem like a mandatory book for us.