Ran's journey

[Ran]

Hello,

I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize  that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.

[TheBigBlue]

Ran, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.

The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.

I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.

You deserve that.

[Ran]

Ran, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.

The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.

I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.

You deserve that.

Thank you TheBigBlue. Your words have been comforting to read. I want to participate more in the forum itself, but when down like this, then I don't think I can be very reliable with what I say, but I'll try. I'm still trying to grasp everything of how the forum is like, but I'll get it eventually.

My graphic design course offers me some distraction and fun, so that's good I think. He also asked about mental health stuff, because I've been in bad place for few years and about if it's related to sexuality and I said:it started with around the time I had my identity crisis. I was in huge distress. I was scared I'd be disowned and exiled. It was all very vague and I didn't know half back then about gender or sexuality. Those things are so hush hush, where I'm from as city I live in is very conservative. Not everyone within my family are accepting of everything, but I don't care about it anymore as I know they need me and I still need them. It's kinda being codependent on each other what isn't healthy, but for me at least right now as I'm not financially capable of getting my own place, then it's the only solution right now. My dad can be controlling and toxic and don't believe in mental health and is in denial about my sexuality, but needs me for caregiving. I don't think he himself acknowledges it all. I did burnout due to caregiving fatigue. I took academic leave from university too, because everything just got too much the load for me was tremmendous.
If you know that Disney movie Encanto, then I feel just like Luisa did, when she was singing the song called surface pressure, like all the bricks are on her/my shoulders. I feel that entire tension on me all the time, not to mention being on fight or flight 24/7 like someone in a war constantly. I have accepted myself now more or less. Previously I went around in circles. I guess trauma blurred my true feelings. I like to think of my sexuality that I just like everyone. There is no need to put myself into restriction like a label, even though for descriptive purpose I say that I am a bisexual, when at first that label gave me ton of uncomfortableness.

[Ran]

I don't deal with changes well. The job office person has a substitute and I got sick. They require a doctors note, if I miss a meeting time. I have gp scheduled before next meeting, but I hate being treated like I don't know a problem for society or like a kid who needs to be kept an eye on. They don't notify you of the substitute and it creates me
anxiety. My previous consultant at least knew about my limitations. Maybe I will let my gp write me a note of needed accomodations, like getting phone appointments. I will tell my gp about the depression, anxiety and cptsd stuff and about how I've been in contact with helpline too.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Ran,
I'm really glad you shared all of this. You're carrying an enormous amount: caregiving, identity stress, financial limits, the pressure from home, and trying to manage your own mental health. No wonder your system feels like it's in constant fight-or-flight. That's exactly what chronic relational trauma does, and nothing about your reactions is "too much" or wrong.

Your graphic design course sounds like a real bright spot. Having something that's yours, something creative, can make a huge difference. I've found something similar myself: I started creating images (using AI) to express feelings when words or analysis felt overwhelming. Focusing on them for hours sometimes helps calm my system. I'm glad you have something like that too.

What you shared about your identity, family expectations, and the lack of acceptance was very powerful. Living in a conservative environment, trying to find yourself while also being needed as a caregiver, that would stretch anyone past their limits.

And the job office situation makes complete sense. Sudden changes, substitutes, strict rules ... those things spike anxiety fast, especially when you're already overloaded. Asking your physician for accommodations is a really reasonable step. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as if you're doing something wrong.

I hope your GP listens when you talk about the depression, anxiety, CPTSD symptoms, and the burnout from caregiving. Having one steady, consistent person in your corner made a big difference for me - for me that's my therapist - and I hope you can get that kind of support too.

You're carrying so much, and you're still reaching out and trying. That says a lot about your strength. You're not alone here. 

[Ran]

Hi Ran,
I'm really glad you shared all of this. You're carrying an enormous amount: caregiving, identity stress, financial limits, the pressure from home, and trying to manage your own mental health. No wonder your system feels like it's in constant fight-or-flight. That's exactly what chronic relational trauma does, and nothing about your reactions is "too much" or wrong.

Your graphic design course sounds like a real bright spot. Having something that's yours, something creative, can make a huge difference. I've found something similar myself: I started creating images (using AI) to express feelings when words or analysis felt overwhelming. Focusing on them for hours sometimes helps calm my system. I'm glad you have something like that too.

What you shared about your identity, family expectations, and the lack of acceptance was very powerful. Living in a conservative environment, trying to find yourself while also being needed as a caregiver, that would stretch anyone past their limits.

And the job office situation makes complete sense. Sudden changes, substitutes, strict rules ... those things spike anxiety fast, especially when you're already overloaded. Asking your physician for accommodations is a really reasonable step. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as if you're doing something wrong.

I hope your GP listens when you talk about the depression, anxiety, CPTSD symptoms, and the burnout from caregiving. Having one steady, consistent person in your corner made a big difference for me - for me that's my therapist - and I hope you can get that kind of support too.

You're carrying so much, and you're still reaching out and trying. That says a lot about your strength. You're not alone here. 

Thank you.    I'm holding on, somehow. I don't know how. I have always felt how different I am from other people, sometimes I thought of it as my super power, same with the fight or flight hypervigilance what I named Alar. I guess it made me feel a bit less alone in ways. When I noticed it all I had such a hard time trying to calm that hypervigilance down. I get a lot of visual aura (migraines), anxiety, night terrors, dissassociation, derealization and I coped with humor, because the figures were like scary monsters when closing my eyes (I imagined figures as humorous things, like a giant cat). After learning about hypervigilance and naming that I am in hypervigilant state and giving it a name those images have actually mostly dissapeared. Some stuff I haven't figured yet how to cope, but some things help. I've found some dbt tools do help me and inner child work.

[Ran]

Please take care, when reading. I mention suicide and sexual abuse. Nothing hopefully graphic, just mentioning things.

There are things I do feel sorry about and think I could have handled these situations differently, but it's really hard, if no one hears you. It's like you're being invisible the same way you've always been and there is absolutely no one who cares about your side of things. You give others everything, yet don't get the same care back. It's like you don't exist. Might as well unalive as feeling worthless enough. Just someone to be used for others benefit. No one valued me for who I was and these patterns just keep repeating.

The only time where I actually felt like someone showed concern towards me was when I ended up having to talk to a self helpline person to report being worried about someone else's suicidality.

For me the events that caused CPTSD were childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse and violence (alcohol consumption).

They affect me more than I want to admit due to these events feeling like less than what other people go through. It's why I react very strongly to different things and these reactions are beyond something I can control. I saw nightmares all the time and dissassociated since I was 5 years old up to 30 years old, when my identity crisis started. I was also frail due to poor health, because of genetics and spent alot of time in hospital, withouth my parents present. I think I have a memory block due to this about it, but I'm not there yet, where I can unravel it.

Some things feel like an imprint you carry around all the time. It's heavy, heavier than a thousand bricks on your shoulders. It tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity.

[TheBigBlue]

Your story truly belongs here, and nothing you wrote is "too small" or invisible. What you lived through: the neglect, the violence, the dissociation, the loneliness - was real, and the weight it left on you is real too. You deserve to be heard and cared about, not used or ignored.