Feeling depressed

[Ran]

For context one thing I am diagnosed with is generalized anxiety and depression disorder.

I guess I wanted to just I don't even know what. I don't have any support with any of this right now. I even lost a place that was my support, so I guess I'm in grief too. I have been crying a lot and generally down.

At first at times this all didn't affect me as much. The older I got the more my past started to affect me.

I have no energy. My body hurts and I have tremors. I'm pretty sure my health is detoriating, though I'm trying to get all the help what is hard.

I'm advocating for my physical and mental health and not only my own. I'm doing always too much, but keeping busy is a distraction.

Everything just feels too much. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel worthless and not like a human at all.

All I can hope for is get a good therapist, because otherwise I can't talk about none of it. I don't trust people very much.

I am in great pain.

[TheBigBlue]

I'm really glad you posted. Everything you wrote: the exhaustion, the body pain, the "doing too much to keep going," the grief of losing a support place, it all sounds incredibly heavy. I could feel how worn down and unseen you are feeling.

I relate to parts of what you shared. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year, my therapist told me she was leaving a week later. It sent me into months of panic and anxiety until I found a way to reconnect with her somewhere else. During that time, I felt exactly what you described: being overwhelmed, isolated, trying to keep moving just so I wouldn't fall apart. And also that fog of "I don't matter." Those thoughts can feel so convincing when everything in the system is overloaded.

So I just wanted to say this clearly, from someone who has been in that place: you matter here. Your pain matters. Your voice matters. We see you.
And thank you for trusting us enough to post. That's not a small thing when trust feels like an impossible task.

I hope you find a therapist who feels like a safe-enough anchor. In the meantime, we are here with you.

[Ran]

I'm really glad you posted. Everything you wrote: the exhaustion, the body pain, the "doing too much to keep going," the grief of losing a support place, it all sounds incredibly heavy. I could feel how worn down and unseen you are feeling.

I relate to parts of what you shared. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year, my therapist told me she was leaving a week later. It sent me into months of panic and anxiety until I found a way to reconnect with her somewhere else. During that time, I felt exactly what you described: being overwhelmed, isolated, trying to keep moving just so I wouldn't fall apart. And also that fog of "I don't matter." Those thoughts can feel so convincing when everything in the system is overloaded.

So I just wanted to say this clearly, from someone who has been in that place: you matter here. Your pain matters. Your voice matters. We see you.
And thank you for trusting us enough to post. That's not a small thing when trust feels like an impossible task.

I hope you find a therapist who feels like a safe-enough anchor. In the meantime, we are here with you.

Thank you for the reply. It means a lot. Usually these words of I understand seem so shallow from others, but in here for some reason I don't feel that, problably because people here go through the same things. I can relate to almost everything said in this forum. It does help a lot in feeling not as alone and doing inner child work, what is another tool that helps me. It all gets more and more obvious. I had psychiatrist and psychologist before. I trust both enough to have worked with them at the time I had identity crisis and my lost support place helped me too, so I had a lot of support. Now the support forum feels too hostile, when it was previously like a family to me. All because I got triggered and no one seeing why I was so uppset as to everyone else everything was normal and I got banned and that person got to stay. It's like person who harmed you got to take over your home. It's temporary, but I still feel unfairly treated. I feel that all I can apologize for to them is how I sounded and handled everything, but not for standing up for something that affects me and possibly others who are more affected by written text. It all affects my relationships with people I really care about. That is one of the main reasons I need treatment and of course to keep my extreme moods more under control. I've tried to learn boundaries and communication and still I completely lost it. People said that it feels like I was going to the deep end. That's what happened. I joined another place that waa related to my stuff, but someone told me to just journal, when I wanted someone to see me and say I understand as well. So I completely panicked and left.
Usually for me it is that I myself must feel that a person understands me, if I don't then it's not helpful. I am trying to reach out, but seems I get nothing in return when I do. Everything seem shallow.