Definitely still out in the storm

[TheBigBlue]

Hi everyone. I'm in my mid-50s living with Complex PTSD rooted in early attachment trauma, chronic emotional neglect, and long-term parentification/enmeshment with one of my parents. My attachment style is primarily anxious–preoccupied with some disorganized features, especially around separation, abandonment, and identity.
I experience many of the classic CPTSD patterns: hypervigilance, deep shame (including around body image and disability), emotional self-erasure, fawning, overfunctioning, isolation, and a "lost self" that never felt allowed to form. Until recently, I truly believed I "grew up protected." A retraumatization at the end of 2023 broke through that narrative and led me to seek mental health care. I was initially diagnosed with major depression disorder December 2024, started CBT in late February 2025, and by mid-April received a full CPTSD diagnosis.
Most days I'm grateful I took the "red pill" and finally lifted the veil of amnesia around how much my childhood shaped and hurt me. I do believe this work will eventually allow me to live more freely. But right now I'm in the difficult in-between phase - some integration, but also a lot of floating, dysregulation, sadness, and spikes of panic. The emotional pain of the past nine months has been intense, and it has affected my professional work more than I ever expected.
I'm currently working through what feels like an existential attachment collapse. i.e. the fear that losing my primary attachment figure means losing myself. I'm in active therapy (CBT twice a week), focusing on stabilization, psychoeducation, and the early steps of identity reconstruction. I'm trying to understand my attachment wounds, soften old protector/survival strategies, and build a sense of self that feels safe and separate.
A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park. Nothing unsafe happened, but afterwards I felt embarrassed and regretful. I recognize that I was likely in a vulnerable "after-insight" dip and longing for co-regulation. That moment made me search for a space where I could reach out without fear of burdening anyone, and that's how I found OOTS. I'm hoping that when I feel the need to "spill" again or need support, I can do it here anonymously, safely, and among people who understand what CPTSD feels like from the inside. Thank you for letting me join. I'm glad to be here.

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, TheBigBlue

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry you felt embarrassed and regretful after your interaction with the stranger at the dog park. It's fine to "spill" here. I hope that after you have had more time to process the interaction with the stranger, though, you may come to feel less bad about it. There are some positives to telling people things in real life, especially if you don't get an unhelpful reaction from them.

[Hope67]

Welcome TheBigBlue

[TriumpOfEmpathy]

Hello TheBigBlue 
I'm also new here and decided to select a couple other "introductions" before creating my own. I'm in my mid-30s and feel as though I could've copy-pasted at least portions of your intro above. It wasn't until last year that I found a therapist experienced in CPTSD that I even fully came to realize the extent of my attachment trauma. I too feel grateful to have "taken the red pill," but find myself occasionally wondering if things were easier before I had these realizations. I also toootally get the feelings of shame and regret following a self-disclosure of any kind; even when someone has a neutral reaction, I find myself spiraling for days after sometimes.
Here's hoping we both find the community we seek here on the forum, or at least find a way to incorporate this into our support system. 

[TheBigBlue]

Thank you for your message, TriumphOfEmpathy. It really helps to feel understood. I've been on OOTS only a few days and already found myself a bit obsessed reading through older posts and resources. There's such a wealth of insight and lived experience on this forum. Two posts that have really stayed with me were shared by Kizzie: a song and an essay — both hit something deep and made me feel less alone. I'll try to "quote" the posts below rather than just copy/paste the resource links themselves, for more context (I hope I'm doing it correctly).

I hope this space becomes part of both our support systems.
 

... There's a good article here I found today that explains why this is so, how those of us who cannot describe our abuse as horrific and in some cases as abuse itself end up with Complex PTSD.
https://www.complextrauma.org/complex-trauma/death-by-a-thousand-cuts/
...

And

If ever there was an anthem song for OOTS, this would be it - https://www.sunnyskyz.com/happy-videos/8834/People-From-31-Countries-Sing-039-You-Will-Be-Found-039-And-It-039-s-Absolutely-Beautiful.

You found us and we found you, welcome