Definitely still out in the storm

[TheBigBlue]

Hi everyone. I'm in my mid-50s, a high-functioning adult living with Complex PTSD rooted in early attachment trauma, chronic emotional neglect, and long-term parentification/enmeshment with one of my parents. My attachment style is primarily anxious–preoccupied with some disorganized features, especially around separation, abandonment, and identity.
I experience many of the classic CPTSD patterns: hypervigilance, deep shame (including around body image and disability), emotional self-erasure, fawning, overfunctioning, isolation, and a "lost self" that never felt allowed to form. Until recently, I truly believed I "grew up protected." A retraumatization at the end of 2023 broke through that narrative and led me to seek mental health care. I was initially diagnosed with major depression disorder, started CBT in late February, and by mid-April received a full CPTSD diagnosis.
Most days I'm grateful I took the "red pill" and finally lifted the veil of amnesia around how much my childhood shaped and hurt me. I do believe this work will eventually allow me to live more freely. But right now I'm in the difficult in-between phase - some integration, but also a lot of floating, dysregulation, sadness, and spikes of panic. The emotional pain of the past nine months has been intense, and it has affected my professional work more than I ever expected.
I'm currently working through what feels like an existential attachment collapse. i.e. the fear that losing my primary attachment figure means losing myself. I'm in active therapy (CBT twice a week), focusing on stabilization, psychoeducation, and the early steps of identity reconstruction. I'm trying to understand my attachment wounds, soften old protector/survival strategies, and build a sense of self that feels safe and separate.
A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park. Nothing unsafe happened, but afterwards I felt embarrassed and regretful. I recognize that I was likely in a vulnerable "after-insight" dip and longing for co-regulation. That moment made me search for a space where I could reach out without fear of burdening anyone, and that's how I found OOTS. I'm hoping that when I feel the need to "spill" again or need support, I can do it here anonymously, safely, and among people who understand what CPTSD feels like from the inside. Thank you for letting me join. I'm glad to be here.