Introduction

[Erec]

Hello everyone,
I am writing from Italy and my English is rather rusty, so I hope I can express myself clearly.
I have suffered greatly psychologically since childhood, which led to a rather extreme crisis in early adulthood. Unfortunately, none of the psychiatrists and therapists listened to me, so all the therapies were ineffective. This lack of listening and inadequate care caused further trauma, partly because some of them did not behave professionally. In particular, the public health service, which was supposed to provide free therapy, refused to take care of me and forced me to see a Kleinian psychoanalyst of their choice. The result was terrible, and the situation worsened when the psychoanalyst violated professional confidentiality to pressure a psychiatrist, through a third party, not to treat me. This event left me not only discouraged by the ineffectiveness of the treatment, but also frightened by the malicious intentions of some professionals. For several years now, I have been seeing another therapist, who immediately recognized the post-traumatic nature of my problems, but the psychiatrist who was treating me at the same time did not take this into account (he diagnosed me with type II bipolar disorder). Today, I am looking for a new psychiatrist. Unfortunately, it seems that psychiatrists specifically trained in C-PTSD are quite rare, at least in my country. Twenty-four years have passed since the problems became so severe that they prevented me from living a normal life, and today I am terrified about the future. As for the past, I oscillate between moments of extreme depression and others of great suffering and anger, with frequent flashbacks.

I am really afraid, and I have many regrets (would things have been different if someone had understood the nature of my problems right away?). And I am very lonely, with no contact with anyone who may have had experiences similar to mine. I don't know if writing in a "global" forum will help me, but it's all I can do for now.

I may return to the nature of my traumas, especially those from childhood, at another time. For now, thank you for your hospitality.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to Out of the Storm Erec 

Your English is great so I wouldn't worry about that. I'm sorry that so far you haven't had much help from therapy. Here in Canada psychiatrists are like gold and when you do manage to connect with one they mainly deal with medications. I see that there are lots of psychologists in Italy and you can search for one here - https://www.therapyroute.com/therapists/italy/1. They can't prescribe medication like psychiatrists can, but some  are likely to have at least some training about trauma.  It's still a bit of a hunt in some countries (for professionals trained in complex trauma), but they are out there.

In the meantime, I hope being here and sharing about your trauma will help you to feel less alone. Many of us have found that it is a relief to be a part of a community that 'gets it' and I hope that's true for you.

 

Kizzie 

[Erec]

Thank you. My psychotherapist specializes in trauma, with training in certain techniques (particularly Mindfulness and EMDR). The problem here is the psychiatrists who are supposed to manage the pharmacological side: many are not particularly aware of the nature of post-traumatic problems. Just today I discovered that there is an association in Milan that deals with trauma, but I think it's the only one at the moment.

(As for the English: I'm getting help from DeepL, my brain is too tired to produce anything comprehensible.)

Thanks again for the welcome.

[Kizzie]

Good to hear about your psychotherapist and hopefully you will find a psychiatrist who does know about CPTSD.

I hadn't heard of DeepL before but it seems quite useful. 

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm glad you found us. I think it is a really big step forward that you have at least found a psychotherapist who is trauma informed and knows about mindfulness and EMDR. I have not tried EMDR myself but I know a lot of people on this forum have found it very helpful. So that is good. I hope you are able to find a suitable psychiatrist, too.

[Space Alpaca]

Welcome Erec, it is great to have you here!
I'm glad to hear you found a good psychotherapist at least.

I think most of us struggle to find people with similar experiences to ours in the "real" world, so I hope you find comfort in knowing you're not alone in your experiences. 

[Erec]

Thank you all for your kindness.
Many people probably suffer from the consequences of trauma, but it is not something that is easily discussed in everyday life, partly because shame plays a big role. Perhaps self-help groups for C-PTSD would be helpful, but I have not found any in my area. I am grateful to those who created this site.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi and welcome. 
I'm really glad you found your way here, and I'm so sorry for how much you've had to carry on your own.
You're not alone here anymore. Many of us know what it's like to feel unheard for years and to finally discover the framework of CPTSD much later than we should have. I'm glad you have a therapist now who sees the trauma underneath everything. I hope being in this community gives you a small sense of connection. 

[Ran]

Welcome to the forum.  

[Erec]

TW

I want to thank everyone who responded, but a lot has happened since I last logged into this site. A series of tests I underwent on my own initiative, based on data from many years ago, led me to discover a significant metabolic component of genetic origin behind my issues. It was a revelation, but I was still too fragile to handle it; I had an explosion of emotional dysregulation and ended up in the emergency room for the first time in my life (my mother was frightened and called emergency services).

This triggered many other problems, but in the meantime, a new psychiatrist has agreed to reduce my medication, and I am feeling better. I am taking supplements for the metabolic issue, though the psychiatrist is proceeding with great caution, so the treatment isn't optimal yet. The doctors who saw me when I was very young never asked about my history, so they overlooked the traumatic aspects, and for twenty-five years they failed to perform relatively simple diagnostic tests.

I know now that nothing that happened was my fault, but I have ended up on the radar of social services and I will have to face another massive trauma: I have almost certainly lost twenty-five years of my life to a problem that could have been identified with simple blood tests and resolved with supplements. On one hand, I feel extremely weak; on the other, I am doing better. However, I don't know what my future holds, nor if I will ever find someone in real life capable of understanding my experience and my pain, and of staying by my side.

[TheBigBlue]

Eric, I'm really glad you came back and shared this. What you describe is a lot to carry alone. It makes sense that all this would shake you deeply. None of what happened was your fault.

But I also hear that, alongside the pain, there is some easing right now: medication being adjusted carefully, supplements helping a bit, and moments of feeling better. It's okay for those two things to exist at the same time: weakness and relief, grief and cautious hope.

The uncertainty about the future and about whether someone in real life can truly understand you is very real. For now, I just want to say that you are understood here, and your experience makes sense in this space. You don't have to have answers yet, and you don't have to face this alone.

I'm glad you're here, and I hope you'll keep reaching out when you can.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for the update.

I am sorry this revelation is causing issues of its own and I can well understand why. A feeling of lost years is horrible. But I am glad that you are being treated, that a big problem has been discovered and can be addressed, and that you are feeling better.

Please be gentle with yourself as you deal with this new phase of healing.

[Erec]

Thank you both, TheBigBlue and NarcKiddo. I really appreciate your support and for being there for me.
I would like to share more, but perhaps now isn't the best time. As I mentioned, it was a revelation, but not the kind that makes things simple—at least not immediately. I want to talk more about it, partly because what I've discovered about my biological issues—which likely amplified the negative effects of my trauma perfectly—might be helpful to others as well. However, I don't think I have the mental clarity yet to explain it in an organized way. I wouldn't even know which sections of the forum to post in. But I can tell you that neuroinflammation is a central aspect of my problems.

I hope to feel better soon and return here with more calm. Right now, I also realize I am too focused on my own situation to truly look out for others, and the people who write here deserve an attention and closeness that I probably cannot give today.

My heartfelt thanks to you both, see you soon.