Loss of Sexual Identity After Assault (TW)

[GettingThere]

TW: SA in adulthood and childhood, homophobia

I was sexually assaulted by two female romantic partners in adulthood after a childhood of being sexually assaulted by mostly men and one woman. When I was a teenager and realized I was a lesbian, I felt incredibly lucky because I thought this would protect me from ever being sexually assaulted by a partner. Then I was sexually assaulted by two female partners. I have always been and will always be a lesbian because I have only ever felt attraction towards women and still do. But I am too terrified to act on that attraction and never want to again. I don't derive any joy like I used to from even reading books or watching movies where two women fall in love or are intimate with each other.

I do not want to try to go back to how I was before because it is not possible. I have made my peace with that and I am not open to hearing people tell me I will recover what was lost. It has been years since the abuse ended and my fear and terror of seeing women be intimate with each other has been steadily increasing as the years go by, not decreasing. I am mourning the life that I could have had that was lost and it is a difficult mourning journey. In the last few months, it has reached the point where I cannot see a woman kiss another woman, even in a wholesome online video made a couple that is very much in love, without my brain deciding that the kiss is sexual assault, even though rationally I know it clearly isn't.

When I was a newly out teenager getting abused at home by my homophobic family, I would fantasize about the day that I would have a wife and children and my own home and finally be safe and happy. That is never going to happen now. It can't and I don't want it to. And that is extremely sad.