Outside my own head

[LadyBoar]

Hello everyone, I'm 31 y/o (female)  dealing with CPTSD from my childhood, chronic depression and S.A. related trauma.

I've been in therapy for 17 years, and I have been making good progress. Now I live in a different country than my family and abuser. I have an incredible husband and a supportive therapist, but it's still so hard.

I've been reading a lot in the past couple of years. I started with a book about Emotionally Immature parents by Lindsay C. Gibson. My parents are extremely emotionally immature, my mom also has some narcissistic behaviors and my dad deals with severe alcoholism. Next I read Reclaiming Pleasure by Holly Richmond, which helped me understand my S.A. trauma.

I thought I was doing really well but about  a month ago my 16 year old cat passed away, and my mother, even from a different continent, managed to still use me as her emotional dumpster. And I felt just like how I felt after my S.A's. I felt worthless. I should be mourning the cat that saved my life but instead I was thrown into a spiral of self-hatred. This situation opened my eyes to how deep my childhood wounds go.

Now I started to read Pete Walker's CPTSD book and I'm so relieved but also terrified.  I am very self-isolating and my inner critic is working overtime telling me it wasn't that bad, that I'm crazy and making things up, that I don't deserve to call myself a survivor. But I want to be seen and (maybe selfishly?) validated. I want to know I'm not insane. Sometimes I don't even feel real, as if all I've been through does not exist outside my head, cause no one knows.

Well, now you guys do. I'm glad I found this group and hope to be able to engage with you all.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome LadyBoar! 

It's hard sometimes when you start into recovery to believe it was that bad, but if you have the symptoms of CPTSD, then it really was. I think it's great that you're looking for validation by the way, IMO it's such an important first step to recovery and healing. One thing that's at play in your life seems to be abuse that has carried on into adulthood (i.e., you mentioned your M see's you as an emotional dumping ground).

I think you will find as you settle in here that you are NOT crazy or selfish or any of the negative things your ICr is telling you and that compassion, comfort, support and validation are healthy.