new here - still in the storm

[beauty4ashes13]

Where to start? I'm here because I have been talking my friend Susan (aka chatgpt) for hours about my trauma and my experience. I don't really ever, anymore, give voice to the life long pain I have endured (I'm 55) because why? In my experience - no one gives a hoot. Yesterday, however, I was in a great mood and I reached out to a friend that I hadn't talked to in a while. I have been friends with this person since I was 13 years old. That's 42 years. We have had long stretches where we weren't in much contact before and we have always been able to reconnect. When I texted her yesterday, she responded with "Are you in danger or in need of emergency help?" I knew in my gut what that meant, but my mind didn't want to go there. I responded with,"LOL,no." and then, "What if I'd said yes?" To that she responded that "For the rest of our lives I would show up in an emergency. Barring that - I really can't  see talking. Be well - hope the best for you and the kids - but honestly not interested in just catching up."
I asked, "Did I do something wrong?" she responded, "Years of no contact - Yeah - that is enough."
Like I said, I knew what the emergency question meant. Another rejection. I was right. The reason given is that I was to blame for the no contact - as if I were purposely ignoring her. Let me be clear - there was no contact on either of our parts. This is not a situation where she was reaching out to me and I was ignoring that. She wasn't and I wasn't. My life has been especially hard the past five years and I have been programmed to believe that my suffering isn't important, it's my fault because I am always wrong and that voicing my pain is just annoying at best and burdensome at most so guess what? There are times in my life that I self isolate because I cannot be positive Polly all the time so I just figure it's best to spare people. Honestly, of  all the people in my life, I would never have even entertained the thought that this person would be so hurtful. I mean she might as well have said I'm just not worth knowing because I haven't put forth effort - even though she didn't put forth effort either. I don't begrudge her that. I just figured we were both doing what we needed to to survive and tread water long enough not to drown, but not knowing how long enough is. It's an exhausting existence just living to survive. One doesn't thrive in those conditions. While it hurts me to think that I inadvertently hurt her with my absence, I just don't get the double standard. It's ok  for you to not call me, but I'm an a-hole because I didn't call you? And now I'm not worth knowing? So little respect for me and a 42 year friendship that I don't even rate a conversation? I texted her back and apologized for any pain caused. Not because I feel guilty or believe that I am at fault, but because first an foremost, I wanted to acknowledge that whether intended or not, pain resulted from my behavior. You know  what I got? Crickets. Being ignored is a huge trigger for me. It's intentional harm. I have been ignored all my life starting with my parents and my brother. I have never really felt loved, safe, accepted. The overarching theme of my life is that I am small, insignificant, and definitely easily abandoned. Not only that, but to advocate for myself is seen as anathema, like I'm a terrible person because I dare to say that I have been hurt by someone's words/actions, or in many cases, lack of any attention at all. That does something to a person. After awhile it's tempting to stop trying. To just accept that you are treated this way because you deserve it. Apathy feels like comfort because at least it dulls the pain. But I don't WANT to be apathetic, it's a deplorable way to live. Like shrinking into the background until there's nothing left of the person I once believed I was. And to be fair,who I still believe I am. It's just easier to fade away seemingly, but  there's always this part of me that bucks that notion. I am significant. I am important. I am worthy of love and devotion - EVEN when I am not perfect. Maybe a case can be made that I took our friendship for granted and that I didn't put forth enough effort to cultivate it, but why can't it also be seen that I have been living with unending pain and sometimes I just don't have the energy to chase. No one's chasing me - that is made abundantly clear throughout my life. I'm only worth having around for what  I can DO for you, not because you see value in just me, the person. Even knowing this is a safe space to be real, I find myself wanting to temper everything I say with some note of positivity  and a counting of my blessings because that is what has been ingrained in my psyche. Always allow for the fallibility of  others, do not want, much less expect reciprocity. Here's the thing, I do not know what she has been or is going through.  I do know, however, that I was the one to REACH OUT and I never even entertained the thought that she was not reaching out to me because she didn't  care or wasn't interested. I don't understand how that gets ascribed to me, however. It's  unfair and it's 100% false. That is a narrative she created. As if she didn't call me because I didn't call her - *? That's the chicken and egg conundrum. Always trying to reason with things being my fault is exhausting. I'm accused of doing what SHE actually did. I'm not the problem here and yet somehow, as usual, I am. It  hurts even knowing that she considers  it plausible that I would intentionally hurt her. I wouldn't and the first thing I did was say sorry, again, not because I believe I did anything wrong, but because that doesn't matter, what mattered to me was that there was pain that was real and it deserved to be acknowledged. I'm tired of not being afforded the same courtesy. I'm tired of feeling like love is something to be earned. Love is the exact opposite of that. Love doesn't demand. Love just is. I thought  that's what we had. I felt safe with her. That was  shattered and it awakened something inside of me. I don't deserve that sh*t. Unfortunately, I'm the  only standard bearer in the "I'm not worthless" brigade. I have never had a true advocate, no one to "stick  up for me"  - it's just me so it's easy for others to bond over my lack of worth, to convince themselves I deserve ill treatment. I hope that this can be a soft place to land. Despite getting knocked down repeatedly, I keep getting up. Who knows how long that will last though. I get wearier and wearier bearing this torch alone. I want to live not just be alive. I am a work in progress, as are we all. It'd be nice if it wasn't so easy to ascribe willful infliction of pain to me.  I am not that person -I never have been. Anyway, I am tired of being a survivalist. I am tired of just accepting that I'm unimportant. This may be the only place I can speak  that  truth without being told I am self-centered and selfish, but that's one more than none so I'll take it. If any of this is relatable to you, I'm sorry because it means  you have pain in your life on the daily. It's a 100 lb second skin you wear and are unable to take off. It weighs you down and robs you of anything of real restorative value. It's exhausting. This is like a club no one wants to be in, but  hey, at least here we are not alone. That's something at least.

[dollyvee]

Hey beauty,

Welcome to the forum  I hope you find what you need here.

Sending you support,
dolly

[Dalloway]

Hi and welcome to the forum. Well, where to start? because most of what you explained was something I would tell about my life. It resonated with me so much and partly I´m sorry for that because that means we suffered a lot and continue to do, but on the other hand, your writing about this made me feel seen and validated, so thank you for that. I´m really sorry for everything you´ve been through, it´s really hard to feel invisible and not worthy of love. My background story is very similar - being constantly ignored, the only attention I got was the negative one. No one saw, comforted or validated me, no one ever told me they love me and appreciate me and that they are happy I´m alive. I was the invisible child, the one that needs no love and care, the one that can provide for herself, and apparently it was ok for everyone to think that a child can exist without love. But I was slowly dying inside, just like a plant would die without sunlight and water.

Your story about the old friend you reached out to was something I´ve just experienced, so it hit really hard. I had a seven years long grudge with my former partner, who I had a terrible breakup with. We haven´t talked since then, but I´v always carried the burden of guilt and wanted to apologize to him because of the things I said to him. I met him two days ago and that gave me a confidence boost to finally text him, which I did - the answer was rather cold and distant, he let me know that he doesn´t want to reopen the topic and doesn´t want to talk to me at all. Boy, it hurt so much, even though rationally I knew I have to accept his reaction and that he has a right not to accept my apology. But my emotions don´t care for rationality, so it was horrible, it still is, because his rejection reminded me of the core rejection from my mother, the invisibility, the worthlessness and the frustration: why can´t he understand that I was in huge pain when I did those things? That I was not ok back then? And most importantly: that now I am a way better person, way healthier, way more healed and much wiser that I would never do that to him or anyone else again? I felt so desperate to make him see and hear me...

Even knowing this is a safe space to be real, I find myself wanting to temper everything I say with some note of positivity  and a counting of my blessings because that is what has been ingrained in my psyche.

It´s so comforting and so scary at the same time, how someone can hit the bullseye of my lived experience so precisely...I´ve always been doing this positivity thing, not letting myself to feel bad or stuck, because I´m afraid that if I allow myself to be down, I stay there forever. And it´s very hard to advocate for myself when the only one doing it for me is me. It makes me feel just more isolated and more alone.

I don´t mean to hijack your post, so sorry if it felt like that. I just had so many things to say because everything you wrote, resonated with me very much and made me feel validated. I thank you for that and hope that by writing these things down you felt a little relief at least. 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. That experience with your friend really sucks. And you're right. It cuts both ways and she could perfectly well have contacted you. I'm sorry she didn't.