CPTSD and healthy partnership

[Marcine]

Hi friends, I'm curious to hear from survivors about experiences of building a healthy, intimate partnership (i.e./ spouse, significant other).
In past relationships, I brought faulty beliefs— such as, to be loved I had to give up myself, to do all the heavy emotional lifting, and to control myself tightly because I am wildly unlovable.
I have debunked and uprooted most of these lies. Issues with trust and lovability linger.
I long for a close, connected partner. And I can envisage growing alongside someone who also has awareness of the unresolved bits, with a curiosity and willingness to support each other.
I'm stuck thinking this is impossible.
Anyone have experiences to share of healthy, reciprocal close relationships?
Thanks very much.

[NarcKiddo]

I've been married for 35 years.

At the start I brought faulty beliefs similar to yours. I actually would not have been able to handle a close, connected partner back then. I was lucky that my husband comes from a dysfunctional background and has always been prepared to give me the space I need without my constantly having to demand it.

We have had plenty of difficulties, for sure, and some years ago I suggested divorce. This brought us closer as he was able to reassure me that he does love me and we worked through some issues. At that stage I still had no idea about CPTSD.

More recently, now I know what I am personally dealing with, I have had therapy and am making very gradual steps towards a closer connection with him. I find it excruciatingly difficult and am going very slowly but so far it has all been going well. I have realised he is a safe person for me to be with.

I honestly have no idea how one goes about starting a healthy, reciprocal close relationship. I have been lucky that things have worked out with the man I married and that we have weathered various storms successfully.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Kizzie]

Hey Marcine, I too have been married for 35+ years and part of what helped us is that we both come from a background of relational trauma. Before we knew what it was we had been through it caused problems but we figured it out together and that helped a lot.

It's a bit dicey starting a relationship with someone who is a trauma survivor but if they are working on recovering it can end up being a strength. My H and I are able to talk openly when one or the other's symptoms kick in and that means we are able to ground ourselves rather than expend energy hiding our feelings.

I don't know that this is much help given the underlying suggestion here is to find a fellow recovering survivor  My other suggestion would be to work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive.

Just some thoughts, I hope they help!   

[Marcine]

Thank you NK and Kizzie for your thoughtful responses. I am happy you both have supportive spouses. 35+ years is quite a journey!

Kizzie, I appreciate your suggestion to "work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive."

This is in my control and I shall continue to move in this direction