TW: Tickling but I think it was SA

beet · October 16, 2025, 11:10:13 AM

I have never talked about this, never felt safe to. My dad I know did things I can't fully remember. I just experience flashbacks of fear of a shadowy man in my room at night over the bed wanting to harm me. I do have one clear memory of me calling him out when I was 13 when he came into my room when he thought I was asleep and tried to put his hand down my shirt. which is when I think that kind of in the night abuse stopped.

Its the tickling that didn't stop. It never felt right. It never felt playful or innocent or fun. I'm autistic and very ticklish but I hated feeling out of control. He'd tickle me until i could not breathe and I was crying and scream/begging him to stop (at which point he'd call me dramatic) but it felt wrong and not just for that reason. I was into my teens when he did this. He did this in hotel rooms while I was trapped on the bed begging between gasps and unable to breathe and my mother watching this happen. It made me feel sick and dirty afterwards. It never felt right. It always felt like an excuse to touch me and have power over me.

It feels like it was part of the CSA to me. But I am always afraid someone is going to tell me I'm being dramatic and making it something it wasn't. And while I'm so angry at him I'm even more angry at my mom for just watching that. For allowing that and his comments on my body and getting mad at me for asking him to stop making his "jokes" or calling me a slut. Because I know she had been a victim of CSA herself. She always said she was a safe adult. But she wasn't. She didn't protect me. She let it happen. I don't know I just needed to say these things so they don't live forever in my head.

NarcKiddo · October 16, 2025, 11:33:29 AM

I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds utterly awful and a total abuse of power. I don't think it makes any difference whether or not it was technically classed as CSA; it has clearly left you with similar feelings and I am sorry that neither parent was safe or protective.

Kizzie · October 16, 2025, 04:16:13 PM

I agree, it's a strange form of abuse but it was definitely abusive, a way to exert power over you. I mean when you think about it, who tickles someone so much they can't breathe? You most definitely were NOT being dramatic and you had every right to be angry IMO.

I'm also sorry your mother did nothing, it means she was complicit and of course you would be angry and sad about that.

Armee · October 16, 2025, 06:06:11 PM

I'm sorry you've experienced this with both parents. Maybe the tickling as a stand alone issue would sound "dramatic" to someone who doesn't know the full story or understand abuse and control but rest assured I agree that the "tickling" was an excuse to continue assaulting you under the cover of being "playful." Im sorry that you experienced it all..being called untrue and degrading names, being subjected to middle of the night sexual abuse by a parent, for the continued touching and control thru tickling, and that your mom did not come to your rescue as she should have. You have a right to feel hurt and angry about all of it.

Desert Flower · October 16, 2025, 07:00:36 PM

It's good you're saying these things beet and they are heartwrenching to hear. I've always thought tickling can be very overpowering and wrong that way. It's a power thing, I agree. Especially adding to /in the context of the CSA I think this is clear (apologies if the English is off, I'm a little tired). And rotten. I'm sorry this happened to you.

And unfortunately I know what it's like to have a mom around while the abuse is happening, a mom who did not intervene or protect you. This will be one of the hardest things to live with. I hear you.

a hug if that's okay

Blueberry · October 17, 2025, 02:27:56 PM

I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds awful. Not to mention abusive.

Quote from: beet on October 16, 2025, 11:10:13 AMBut I am always afraid someone is going to tell me I'm being dramatic and making it something it wasn't.

Since your father told you that you were being dramatic, it's not surprising that you fear that happening now. I've been on this forum a long time and I can't remember any member telling another not to be dramatic or anything along those lines! This is a very supportive forum in fact. I imagine most of us have had our symptoms or reactions minimised so often by abusers and enablers that we don't do it to each other.

In the past the CSA done to me was sometimes queried by therapists or even negated, but the definition of CSA is broadening. If you feel it was 'ick', it was. If you feel it wasn't right, then it wasn't. Trust your feelings, especially the visceral ones.

It is quite common for many of us to wonder whether the abuse or neglect done to us was 'bad enough'. It was. Otherwise I or you or anybody wouldn't be here on the forum with cptsd. But you're welcome to keep writing it out on the forum as long as you need to in order to get the poison out of your system. Or in order to get validation from other members, if you need that.

Quote from: Armee on October 16, 2025, 06:06:11 PMI'm sorry you've experienced this with both parents. Maybe the tickling as a stand alone issue would sound "dramatic" to someone who doesn't know the full story or understand abuse and control but rest assured I agree that the "tickling" was an excuse to continue assaulting you under the cover of being "playful." Im sorry that you experienced it all..being called untrue and degrading names, being subjected to middle of the night sexual abuse by a parent, for the continued touching and control thru tickling, and that your mom did not come to your rescue as she should have. You have a right to feel hurt and angry about all of it.

I second Armee.

It's good you feel safe enough on this forum to start writing these things.

LandedBird · October 18, 2025, 09:51:12 PM

OMG I can't believe I'm reading this. I echo what you all say. Yes it was CSA for me too. I'm 61 and came out about my abuse in my late 20s, and I always said the abuse started at least with my first memory of abuse - with the tickling. But I've never explored the tickling memories with anyone or even myself until August, and it became crystal clear how abusive it was, similar to what you all describe here. But I couldn't find much on the internet about it. And here we are. It was absolutely terrifying and humiliating. And where do we go from here when we uncover the truth, the reality of the abuse memory?

LandedBird · Reply #7 - Re: TW: Tickling but I think it was SA

Hi again.

Beet, if you put in your browser "tickling abuse" (without the quotes), you will find some pertinent articles. There isn't much, but enough to validate our experience of tickling as being abusive.

Here is a particularly interesting take on tickling called "tickle torture" in a historicle context.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tickle_torture

Again, I find this Wiki info very validating.

I have been so bowled over by recounting this tickling abuse and at such a loss as to what to make of it that I've started up again with my trauma psychologist. Perhaps you can bring your description of your experience that you've written so clearly and concisely in your post here to your therapist? In my opinion, the tickling alone that we experienced is enough trauma to cause long-lasting damage.