Funeral?

[gcj07a]

I have been NC with my uBPm for 6 years. By extension, most of her side of the family retaliated in kind. Her mom (my grandma) died this morning. She was a good grandmother even if (or so I hear) she was a vindictive person and difficult to grow up with. She had bad Alzheimer's and hasn't really been lucid for a decade, so she never really understood the NC. I was largely prevented from seeing her for the last 6 years because she lived with my M's brother. However, my sister has confirmed that I am invited to the funeral. The question is whether I go. It is going to be horribly uncomfortable for me, but I also really loved my grandma.

[Blueberry]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It's a very tough question. I'm VVVLC and I'm pretty sure I won't be going to funerals when my parents die. I did go to my paternal grandmother's about 20 years ago when I was NC with my mother and VVVLC with some FOO members and LC with others including my father. This grandmother was good to me, an important person for me in my childhood and later, so I was not missing her funeral on account of her DIL, my mother. No way. As far as I was concerned, my mother, the in-law, could stay home and miss the funeral. She didn't even like my grandmother. Since then things improved in FOO and then went sharply downhill again, when I realised what FOO as a whole really thinks of me after 2 horrendous retraumatisations. Because of those realisations, I decided I'm putting my health first always - not going to FOO-anything tho I do have some email or letter contact, tho often just one sentence and only if there's a real reason. For me, it's maybe easier in a way than for some. Between me and my sibs there is a whole ocean and between me and my parents about 1500 km and a sea. If need be, I can come up with plausible reasons for not managing to go.

One thing to consider is that your grandmother won't know if you decide not to go. Is there another way you could process her death and grieve without putting yourself in the path of your FOO? I've been lucky twice, once with a funeral of a long-time family friend who was my parents' age, when she died a) it was Corona times and b) she had relatives on two continents and so her funeral was live-streamed and I could watch it. Same for a relative of mine who died last year - relatives on two continents, the more distant ones, but still it was live-streamed and I was given the link. I don't know if that's a possibility in your FOO. In those two instances of mine, live-streaming was being done anyway, it wasn't something I asked for, nor would I have done. But I might when my parents die.

If you do go, you might like to consider taking somebody to give you support - if there is anybody who could do that, to be unequivocally on your side. That would impart strength to you, I believe, and show your FOO a boundary. I don't have anybody like that, unfortunately, so please don't feel ashamed if you don't either.

I hope somebody else gets back to you because there are others on the forum who've gone through the 'funeral decision' with FOO members who they were very close to. And decided one way or the other.

[gcj07a]

Thanks Blueberry! The funeral is 350 miles away (550ish km). I think I can make a reasonable excuse. I think I'm just so frustrated that this situation may prevent me from going to her funeral. I hear you about her not knowing if I'm there or not, but I'm pretty religious and want to be there to pray for her soul. I've considered going a week later on my own to her graveside.

I am on good terms with my siblings. My brother and I live in the same town so we were considering going together, but I don't know that he would be unequivocally on my side. Other than my wife (who needs to stay with our children) I don't think I have anyone like that.

I have an appointment with my T in a couple of days and will likely make a decision after that. Funeral is in 4 days.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you have an appointment with your T before going to help you as you consider what to do.

Sorry for your loss.

[Blueberry]

I hear you about her not knowing if I'm there or not, but I'm pretty religious and want to be there to pray for her soul. I've considered going a week later on my own to her graveside.

Got it! That's definitely a reason to want to be there. I wouldn't call myself particularly religious, but I do sing in a Catholic Church choir. In my country, on Nov. 1st, you visit the graveyard, a number of priests go too and pray and the choir sings, you pray for everybody known to you and unknown to you who has died in the past 12 months, pray for their souls, don't know if there's anything like that around you? I've come to appreciate this ceremony. I didn't grow up Catholic, so this was new to me.

Being on good terms with your siblings is more than I have, so that would probably help you. I'm glad you've got a T appt soon, I'm sure that will give you more insight. Thinking of you as you navigate this

[gcj07a]

Yes, I love All Saints (Nov 1) and All Souls (Nov 2) for that very reason. Thank you!

[gcj07a]

I had a good chat with my therapist today. I am leaning toward not going, but I still haven't decided. I may go visit the grave in a few weeks or a month instead.

[Blueberry]

I've been thinking of other forum mbrs who've been through similar. There was Elphanigh who managed a great deal of healing and hasn't been on the forum for over a year. Here https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13632.msg111690#msg111690 she writes about the upcoming death of her great-grandmother who was a safe person for her. I don't know if reading that would be helpful for you or not. I don't see a mention of a funeral, Elphanigh possibly grieved on her own.

[gcj07a]

Thanks Blueberry!

Current thinking: I am capable of going. Physical proximity does not threaten my safety. The question is one of motive. My session with T today was particularly insightful because my little came out to talk and he expressed a desire to comfort M as she deals with the death of her own mother. He seemed indifferent to the death of GM. I can only go if I give up any expectation that anything with my M or other FOO will change. If I go, I go for me and for GM, not for anything else.

[Blueberry]

Standing with you, however you decide. I think, only you can really know what's best. 

[NarcKiddo]

 

It's interesting that your little made an appearance and what he had to say. I'm glad you have him safe away from M even though he is still caught up with her to some extent. I'm glad you had a good session talking things over with T.

[gcj07a]

I've decided against going to the funeral. I just don't think I have the right motives. I feel like a coward to some degree, but I know that is not true. Nevertheless, I won't allow my M's voice to bully me into putting myself in an unsafe situation. Thank you all for your support.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Blueberry]

 

I agree with you, you're not a coward!