Fear of speaking up

[Yael]

Does anybody have advice?

I am terrified to speak up.

This is part brainwashing. My family induced guilt, shame, fear and confusion. Every time I spoke up. They told me it was so mean of me. That they were so loving. I was so ungrateful. That I was crazy to say such things and my memory was wrong. That I did not respect their reality (read: lies). That me speaking up meant I was unstable and could better not be around my son. Etc etc. So now when I speak up, I immediately think: oh no! I did wrong!

This is part fear. There is always threats and retaliation. Also towards my son. Always in hidden ways. When my son spoke up, they would also retaliate. But not by beating him up. Rather for subtler ways, for example by keeping him awake for along time, guilt tripping him until he pleaded he was sorry and he was wrong and please let him sleep. Or smear campaign with the whole family, so they would convince cps I was horrible, without even checking the stories.  Every time I spoke up, in the name of him, he got the backlash. Which makes it so hard to speak.

I also have turned into an idiot. Because I begged for help to escape abuse with my kid, for many years. And I was not helped.  So I crashed and was in turmoil. Because I couldn't bear seeing my child hurt. And now they have a ton of things to use against me. And blackmail me with my trauma responses - to their abuse, that they carefully hid.

This is part the fear of not being believed. Every time I speak up to CPS. I am not believed. And they portray me as the bad guy for speaking up. And help the abuser. And make it worse. Last week I spoke up they said I was negative about dad and worriedly asked if I would influence kid with that. I'm so scared...every time I tell people of things that happen, and nobody helps, but rather it gets worse for us.

I have suggested a foster family for a long, long time. Or placing kid and me in a protective setting for observation. I plead and plead and nobody helps.

This is also part love. I see my own part in the problem. My own trauma responses drove dad further into trauma. I'm afraid he'll withdraw further in his defences if I speak up. I think he cannot see his own bad side.

I'm absolutely terrified. And don't know if I should speak up. Or be silent. Bear it. And try offer my child a better place when he's still here. I am absolutely terrified it will get a whole lot worse. If I speak out. Both my son and I have a bad feeling with one of the professionals who is supposed to help us. :-/ There have been exactly zero times CPS helped us when I spoke up.

Family law lawyers here often recommend victims of abuse, even proven blunt violence, to keep silent. Because CPS and courts always help abusers. And the victim is seen as harming the abuser by speaking up. And this can make her lose her children.

[sanmagic7]

what a horrible situation to be in!  so very sorry you're so stuck, yael.  i've gotten backlash for speaking up as well, so i can related.  i know it's difficult to find someone who will listen, let alone advocate for you.  these mind games are the worst and leave no visible wounds, which makes it difficult, i know, to be believed, let alone validated.

i'm glad you were able to speak up here.  i believe you and want only the best for you and your son.  i wish i could help more.  hopefully you'll eventually find someone who will listen and believe.  would some kind of advocacy group be a possibility somewhere in your community? a clinic where there may be someone familiar w/ this type of situation?  they would have more resources available, i would think.  best to you with this.  sending love and a hug filled with strength and hope.

[Kizzie]

It certainly sounds like you have been and are being gaslighted by your family but the positive is is that you know it. And you know that others who try and shut you down are doing the same, trying to make you believe it's you.

I suspect not all family lawyers would tell you to keep silent and I wonder if you keep looking for one that will be your advocate that might be the best path to take. There are often lawyers who will do this pro bono. You have legal rights and should have expectations of fair treatment from the system in place to serve you.

I guess it comes down to staying silent and being stuck, or not staying silent and trying to get the law on side to advise, guide and advocate for you. I also had a thought that having a family therapist or private social worker who knows the system might also help as they could also guide, support, and help you advocate for yourself, might be an avenue to explore.

It's not easy having CPTSD I know, especially when we feel alone or are alone with it. There are good people/professionals out there who will help, it's just a matter of finding them. It can be a challenge ut that is what we (survivors) need to do sometimes to move into a better life.

[Yael]

Thanks both. I spoke up again today. Foster care seems to believe me. She seems to understand the situation is much different than it seems. But she says they will not do anything.

Dad worked hard to get everyhing in order for the outside world, get the family on his side, kid has food and clothes, kid is not beaten...and kid himself gives no signals anymore...so they will not do anything.

I am in search of a specialised lawyer, but they are fully booked. I will indeed look for a specialised social worker.