depersonalization

[sanmagic7]

this morning i realized that i depersonalized a few days ago.  my D and i went to a miracle-ear promo - i knew going in it would be something like a time-share talk trying to get people to buy their hearing aids.  i got a notice in the mail cuz i'm of the age where people are losing their hearing.  i have a problem in one ear because of inflammation, but i've also had a problem w/ it where it had to get flushed out.  plus, they were offering $50 walmart card, so i thought, why not?

they'd told me to bring someone along, and i'm glad cuz my D was able to see the situation and spoke for me a few times.  i've spoken on the forum before about the 'gray lady', the non-personality being who takes over at times.  she has no personality, speaks very quietly in a very small voice, and just sits and endures whatever the situation is.  very unlike me when i'm me.

i thought it was going to be a group type of thing, but it was very private, one-on-one, in a very small room.  the man who spoke to me was large and imposing, spoke in a loud voice, did his 'spiel'. quite quickly i realized he was much too close to me - we were sitting at a very small desk, not a foot away from each other (my D sat back against a wall).  i could feel myself being very uncomfortable w/ his nearness, and suddenly i couldn't speak very much, could barely answer his questions w/ a yes or no. i moved my chair away from him, said it's too close, and when he spoke again i still couldn't stand it, was ready to run, but just moved my chair even further away from him.

i had to go in this little room w/ earplugs, which he put in my ears, didn't ask me if it was ok, didn't tell me what he was doing, didn't offer that i put them in myself.  all very intimidating to me.  i had to push a button when i heard beeping noises, which he monitored to see how much hearing loss i might have. i did fine, by the way, nothing abnormal for someone my age.

while i was in there i heard him ask my D if i was always this quiet. she told me later that she told him i was anxious. at one point, when i kept saying that i didn't think i had any problems, he asked why i was there.  i said something, was about to say 'for the $50', but hesitated, and luckily my D jumped in, said something about it never hurts to get my hearing checked, and he was satisfied w/ that.  thank god for my D.

when i got out of the cubicle, he moved my chair closer to him, and i promptly moved it away again.  he finished his spiel, told me i didn't need aids, asked if i'd consider them if i ever needed them, i said yes, then we left.  as soon as we were outside, i came back to me, talked to my D normally, and we discussed what happened in there.  she was very mad because she said the whole thing was a fear thing, including fear of dementia, which neither of us could figure out how that played into anything.  but she was livid, which was also why she kept jumping in, talking instead of me, trying to deflect that fear-mongering stuff he was spitting out.

as i wrote that, i can understand a little better why i'm feeling more out of control w/ my anxiety lately, cuz there's a lot of fear-mongering and intimidation tactics going on w/ our government right now.  yeah, that makes sense and i just now felt a sigh of relief escape.  as in, so that's part of what's going on w/ me. 

but i also understood a bit more about this depersonalizing thing, that i get a vibe of some sort, either from the person or the situation (i recall this happening several times in my life, from job interviews, to doctors, to a new therapist and now this.  feeling threatened.  somehow in danger.  it's a new realization, altho i have discovered the 'gray lady' situation before.  i don't think i consciously put the 'threat' or 'danger' components together with it, tho,  but, that's my alexithymia in all its glory.

i'm very anxious just now writing about this, realizing it's what happened, altho my D noticed i was not ok while we were in there. a lot of these realizations are as difficult for me as anything else, including actually going thru the experience.  so, tennis today will hopefully calm me down a bit.  dang, this frightens me.

[Kizzie]

So sorry you went thru that San    I can't say as I blame Gray Lady for making an appearance so you could go into the background where you felt safe. I find many sales people overwhelming and that's because they are taught to be that way.

I can't remember where I saw this but in a chain of stores (probably Europe) they have difference coloured baskets. If you're OK with sales help you take one that's a certain colour, and if you're not, you take the other.  I thought that was brilliant, but also it goes to show you how many of us do not like being chased by people trying to get their commission. We also have stores here where I live who offer quiet shopping for customers who may have ADHD or be on the spectrum so they don't play music, they lower the lights and they don't bug you.

It tells me there are a LOT of us who feel uncomfortable even fearful like you did. And when you think about it most of us who were abused were bullied so our systems just react whenever we feel like we're in the same situation. 

I realize your case was different in that you were kind of stuck but I guess my point is you are not all that different from a lot of people who don't fare well in situations like that. And you have the choice of whether to stay or go when something like this happens, you don't have to sit there and be subjected to someone like that. That's a hard one for us I know, but once you talk yourself into this truth life is so much better because you have control.

A pox on all the pushy people in life. 

[sanmagic7]

a pox, indeed, kizzie!  thank you for that.  i did feel kind of stuck cuz i was there to get the $50 gift certificate, which my D and i can definitely use, so i definitely wanted to make it to the end.  however, i also took control by moving my chair away from him 3 different times - he was just so overbearing! 

those alternatives in stores sound really lovely.  how nice to have the more vulnerable populations cared about!   

[Desert Flower]

Hi San, I now read about your experience and I can definitely relate.

I did a hearing test not so long ago, exactly like you described and I got anxious too being in the little room. I'm so glad you had your D with you and she noticed what was going on. I usually tell myself I should be able to do this stuff by myself and then I grit my teeth through it, also depersonalising, or feeling nothing and fawning.

And like you, I have a lot of trouble with people who come too close as well. They just impose themselves onto you and they don't even check if you're okay with that. It's difficult for me to understand how people can be so insensitive to anything they're causing.
 
I have a neighbour who is VERY outgoing and she's nice too but she also just comes way too close, like in your face approximately 10-15 centimeters away, really way too close. And I made this resolution, next time she does this, I will tell her she's nice but she's too close. I hope I can actually do this. Fingers crossed.

So I can definitely relate to the 'gray lady' coming out. She's protection and/so she was necessary. 

Big hugs again San.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, DF, for all you wrote.  it helped to 'normalize' this for me, and not be embarrassed because it happens.  i, too, think i can handle this stuff myself, but this last episode convinced me that's not so.  it often happens at doctors' offices, especially when they talk so fast and i can't follow them, or, like i said, when they give off a certain vibe that i don't really consciously feel, but i do know i'm not comfortable w/ them.  and i do go into freeze mode, now that i think of it, cuz too often there will be pain or discomfort involved and i need to stay very still in order to endure it.

but i have come to see the gray lady now as a protector, too, and am glad she's there for me.