Flutterby's recovery journey

[Flutterby__]

Trigger warning:bullying, cyberbullying, emotional abuse, suicide, self harm.


 
  Hello, everyone 😊 I'm going to start my recovery journey thread. It was very emotionally hard to write this.
  For context: I have social phobia my whole life (working on it with a psychologist for 5 years) and an extremely high unhealthy level of empathy sensitivity. I have never met anyone as empathetically sensitive as me.
    Right now, I'm feeling nervous as I'm writing this post, I don't know how it will be received, I expect judgement and shaming, blaming. I might make my condition even worse by writing this and receive comments that will make me feel even worse, I've experienced it multiple times, but I'm trying again.
I'm also not a native English speaker, so if something is unclear, please ask me, I will clarify 🙂.


  I'm sure that most of the people would not take this seriously, nothing to worry about. You don't have to help me, to reply, to support!!! Please keep in mind that I'm already getting more than enough victim blaming, victim shaming and judgement on daily basis, I don't need any more of it😅🙏





  So, for the past half of the year (more precisely, from December 2024 to August), I have been subjected to bullying online. It happened on discord servers ("mbti/mental health) psychology").
  I'm struggling with:
1) Constant feeling of shame
2) Strong avoidant behavior
3) Daily attacks/flashbacks of intrusive memories
4) Compulsive mental replaying of the bullying scenarios, wanting to re-experiencing it.
5) Facing victim-blaming, judgment, and shaming on daily basis even for just speaking up about a fact that I was bullied. People on mental health servers (some with "helper" roles) told me "just stop being a victim", "Just get rid of your victim mentality,"  "Are you going to be obsessed with this all day?", "It's your obsession; acceptance is the right solution for you" (this was said after I mentioned having CPTSD). They sent me "memes" with text like "Me showing a cyberbullying victim how to close their computer" and similar jokes. Others told me "how to explain to this weak minded, insecure individual that it's just appp?", "its discord, its not that deep", "Nobody takes things personal here" (These were the direct quotes that I'm able to post here, the lightest ones).
6) There were simply too many people involved in the bullying—more people than I've ever interacted with in my life = feeling of the entire world being against me.
7) For the past half of the year when I watch true crime videos and read aggressive comments about perpetrators, I start connecting it to what people wrote about me on Discord and it all merges—it feels like I'm just as terrible and need to be isolated from society. I'd sit down to draw (I always enjoyed drawing) and my brain would whisper "Why bother? You are a bad person! Everyone hates you! You don't deserve to enjoy it, you shouldn't exist!!!" and I physically couldn't continue.
8 Constant sense of danger everywhere I go.
9) I have a feeling that I'm a bad person every single day. I don't think I deserve to heal, to recover, I was thinking if I stay in those places, people will give me everything I deserve and finally leave me alone.



It feels like I've been living in a pure nightmare, in *. I have been crying hard every single day, on 18th July I've been crying for 8 hours straight from the morning to the evening, reading what people say about me, I used two rolls of paper towels. After that incident, my hands were shaking for several days in a row, and I felt as if I were frozen all those days. I physically couldn't do anything; I would freeze up and almost go numb, unable to move, staring at one spot. And in my head, there was a blizzard of memories and thoughts. I regularly take medication that prevents suicidal thoughts and intentions, I'm alive thankfully for it.

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Welcome to the forum, Flutterby. I'm so sorry to read your story and hear how much you are struggling. You won't be judged here. Victim blaming is not part of true healing. Understanding responsibility is important, but fully understanding the implications and impact of Cptsd, far far more important. For many, the torture and abuse of childhood has radically structured the brain to cope and adapt to situations and behavior nowhere near to "healthy" "normal" or even moderately acceptable human behavior. Sadly, many very simply do not understand the mechanics of developmental trauma and the life-long impact on the individual.

I think you will find understanding and acceptance here. Ee are all searching for a more balanced and functional nervous system. The best way of healing is very individualistic. We're all on a different path, but with a common goal: feeling better about ourselves, our relationships and our passage here on earth.

Sending a warm welcome and support.
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