Sometimes I Feel Torn Between Life and Death

[BlueMoon_]

Most of the time I want to live but sometimes I get triggered by issues that seem impossible to fix at the time and I feel like Im not so sure. Its really painful to get your hopes up and have them fail you over and over, you know? Its a hard place to be to be honest.

[Kizzie]

I do think there are a lot of us here who have had similar thoughts at one time or another BlueMoon.  That's called suicide ideation and it can relieve some of the pain we feel by knowing if it ever got too bad we could end it. When you start to actually plan though is when it's time to reach out to a professional to help.

The other thing I've found is that I've sometimes had unrealistic hope, like the N's in my life finally changing and being who I needed and wanted them to be.  I finally realized once I started looking into narcissism that they don't change and I was going to have to let go of that hope they would.  It hurt but I could let it go finally.  I'm not sure if this is the kind of thing you have hopes about, but just thought I'd share what kept me depressed over for so many years.

[Dalloway]

Hi BlueMoon, I just wanted to say that I hear you and you are not alone. I know that feeling of hopelessness when you try very hard and try again and again but nothing seems to change, so I wonder why trying and failing constantly when there´s no change to the better. It´s very frustrating and sad to believe that nothing I do has an impact on my life. Unfortunately, I don´t have a recipe how to solve this issue, it´s a though one for me, too. But I wanted to say that I absolutely hear you. Take care. 

[Blueberry]

I hear you too BlueMoon. I often felt very torn between the two, and it is a hard place to be in. Especially again and again. It did help me to find out that it's not totally uncommon with cptsd. It also helped me to be able to say it somewhere, instead of keeping it in. I knew mostly that I wouldn't do it, so so long as I felt able to say and write that, I could put it here.

These days I feel more torn between living as in trying my best to get better and thrive versus living but just giving up and dozing my life away.
It does help me to look back at my previous posts on here and see progress even though I often feel I'm struggling. But it used to be worse, obviously.

I agree with Kizzie here

The other thing I've found is that I've sometimes had unrealistic hope, like the N's in my life finally changing and being who I needed and wanted them to be.

Good to find the unrealistic hopes and let them go. I'm not sure I've managed that yet... or not completely. I have let some of them go.

I hope you're feeling a little better.