Therapy has taken over my life (again)

[wooboyattachmenttrauma]

Hi, I could use some support. I think about my therapist all night and all day. I check my phone constantly to see if she has texted back. I write in my journal for hours every day about my feelings about therapy and the therapist. I am not able to work at all. I went to bed before the kids last night, didn't eat dinner with them or do our usual bedtime routine (my partner did). I feel like my life revolves around whether my therapist still wants me or not, still likes me, will be able to repair this latest rupture. We had a HUGE blow up after my last session. I got hugely triggered. I tried to end therapy. Then I ended up begging for her back. Then she was like, I have to consult about this and told me all about how termination would work. Then she says, I am hopeful we can continue. The trigger was: all week I had been tormented by some new things (maybe memories) popping into my mind. Sick *. **TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE NEXT SENTENCE! FEEL FREE TO SKIP!!!*******  It was my dad sadistically threatening to kill me over and over while abusing me. ***///END TRIGGER WARNING!**** I had contacted the therapist multiple times over the course of the previous week to be like, I'm struggling with this and she had been so supportive.

I arrive at the appointment and I am surprised to see a friend/coworker coming out of her office. This friend/coworker is someone who has made clear i can't talk about trauma or feelings about family estrangement around her. I knew we shared a therapist but about six months ago or so I noticed that the therapist stopped scheduling me right after the friend, possibly because I kept making comments that this made me uncomfortable--mostly minimizing it. "It's fine! I don't want to make you uncomfortable!" etc., fawning.

Anyway so I had a really busy weekend after the session, where we talked mostly about how uncomfortable I felt about the friend/coworker, and only in the last ten minutes I shared a couple of pieces of the horrible memory I had come in to talk about, in a panic. I remember leaving the session being like, "Are you ok?" to the therapist. I felt bad having her hear this stuff. Then a couple of days later, I was going to bed, and I was overcome by this overwhelming feeling of like, this is absolutely intolerable that I am sharing a therapist with this friend. I felt enormously betrayed. I felt intense hatred of both of them. I felt sick and disgusting. Going over my journal entries from that time, honestly I thought I'd sound crazier than I was. But what I was saying made a lot of sense. it was just really triggering, especially as an incest victim, to be part of a triangulated relationship (me, my mom, my dad reminds me of me, the friend/coworker, and the therapist).

I texted the therapist my rage. I raged on the phone. I definitely activated her parts. She seemed ready to accept my self-termination and say goodbye. Wouldn't that make her life easier! Then the next day I crossed a line, I think, for her, consciously or not. I asked, why can't you refer one of us out? Can you explain to me why you can't, or why you didn't before when you realized we knew each other this well? And instead of answering the question, the therapist on the phone started sharing her thought process like, hmm maybe I can. But it would probably be you because I started seeing you later, and because this friend needs my specialty, something even more hard to find than CPTSD therapy specialty.

You know what I wish she would have said? "Here's why I chose not to do it; it's my responsibility to make sure our relationship is safe, and I feel confident that it is." Or: "I hadn't really thought about that. Let me think about it and get back to you when I see you  next." Then, I spend the next two days panicked. She's going to abandon me. I trusted her. I thought this one was going to be different. For two years, and especially the past year, this therapy has anchored my week. I always show up. It's been a HUGE part of my life. She and my partner are the only two people in the world who know what I've been going through, what memories have been surfacing, what phantom pains I have been feeling. I believed she could be different, she was different. I can't lose this, what have I done?!!!!

I start begging for her back. A couple of days later, she says she's consulted about it and she's "hopeful" she can still see me. All the power is back in her court. No apology for scheduling me back to back with someone she knew triggers me to see there. I apologize profusely for how I acted. I know she would prefer just to see the friend/coworker. I texted the friend last week, hey, I decided to stop seeing the therapist, just letting you know--it was getting too awkward. The friend is like, "It's not awkward for me, I trusted both of you." I had told the therapist I was texting the friend. I think that freaked her out that we would talk about her. But I had (mistakenly!) referred the friend to her! It started with us talking about her!

Simultaneously, I feel like I would die of despair if I lost this therapist, and I am terrified by the power she has over my life. it's like she has become the perpetrator to me, in parts of my mind. Parts of me are focused intently on her every move, on managing this relationship. I can't focus on anything else,  not even for a moment. I have to make this okay. But I have a few days before my next session and she hasn't responded to my last text apologizing genuinely for my anger in an emotional flashback/amygdala hijack and asking politely for an extra session to process this rupture.

I have been through this before, a little over a decade ago, when I first became aware of the CSA. That therapist ended up being abusive and punishing in response to my intense emotions. I thought this therapist was different. She is, a little bit. But she definitely was in her parts in her communications with me last week. I feel like I had to be the therapist after she started talkinga bout terminating me. I was like, you know, I think this was an emotional flashback, I think it was triggered by what I needed to talk about last session and not about the fact my friend sees you. And then she seemed to like the Submit part coming out, begging for her back.

I have only lived my life two ways. Either flooded with facing the trauma or completely in denial of it and hating myself for my family estrangement and all my intrusive thoughts. I wanted to work through this, to feel the sunshine. The only way I've been able to do that are for a few brief weeks where things were stable with this therapist, and I'd have a few days before our weekly session where I could honestly think about other things. A rhythm to the week of intensely focusing on it, processing the aftermath and resting, and then, my brain feels a little free for a day or two or so. Otherwise I'm going through the motions of life, but thinking about==did he really do this to me? Did that really happen?

Now I feel like I'll never get to that point again. I'll have to start over with someone else. This would be my 19th therapist in my life. I feel like, there are some things you can do to a child that they truly, truly, can never recover from. I don't want her to abandon me. I don't want her to let me go. I want to be like other people and have a therapist for several years (it's been 2 years--my long-term therapies always end with a blow up after 2 years). this therapist is going through a personal crisis I know (she's had to cancel some emergency sessions). no doubt she wants to get rid of me and keep the friend who does not have CPTSD and who doesn't feel triggered by sharing a therapist with me. CSA survivors are "frankly hated" as judith herman says. I want my life back, but I'm desperate for my therapist. That makes me want to die, but I want to stay alive for my kids.

Last night I texted a rape crisis hotline. It was nice to share this there. I'm glad I did. They told me about a survivor's group that meets tomorrow night. I had to laugh out loud. I have asked this therapist so many times for a group! And she has had nothing to offer me in response! I will give it a try, if I'm brave. But I feel like I'm not really a sexual violence survivor. One rape, like my MPSA as a teen, is a tragedy. Years and years of assaults by family members--to everyone else in the world, that's a condition. A condition that makes me untreatable. Unknowable. Unfriendable. Untouchable. Unsalvagable. Flat out crazy.

thanks for reading this far

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry this happened Wooboy, CPTSD is such a deep wound and until we can figure out how to heal life can be full of traps/triggers that bring the fear and anger to the surface when you least expect it. Personally I don't think any of us are as you suggest "untreatable. Unknowable. Unfriendable. Untouchable. Unsalvageable. Flat out crazy". 

What I do think and feel is that we need skilled, experienced therapists to deal with the type of deep wounding that spills out in anger, rage even at times.  I don't know if this T is the one for you or not, but maybe try and keep in mind that as a human she is imperfect and may not be able to react objectively to your amygdala hijack/rage. As you say it would be best if you and she could talk this through and get to the other side of things said and unsaid. It seems like you both could learn from this if you're willing to work through it, but you both have to be willing to do so. You have asked to do this and so the ball is in her court now which is really difficult I understand.

I do hope if she is not willing to continue she at least acknowledges that she is not capable of treating you rather than making you feel guilty, at fault.  Afterall, that's the whole reason we go to T's is for them to help us through the legacy our abuse has left and many  may simply not be up to the job given how new the diagnosis is.