Persistent Flashbacks- TW very vague description of SA, paranoia

[laurrrr]

Hey all,
I've been struggling with visual and auditory flashbacks pretty often, as well as the physical feeling of my multiple SA's, which makes sense because I have been processing a lot of repressed trauma in therapy the past few weeks. When I experience these lately, they are of very intense and specific SA and sends me into a spiral of panic attacks and paranoia. I have zero contact with my abusers (one took his life last year so there is not even a chance of him finding me) but it makes me feel like I am stuck in their abuse again, and feels like an enormous setback to my nervous system and all of the work I have done to heal.  I have been relying on my various hobbies (exercise, crocheting, watching movies or playing games, or writing/journaling) to take my mind off of things or break the spiral, but lately it has been harder to do so. It seems that no matter what I do, the second I blink, it's happening all over again.

My T says this will decrease (or be less severe) the more I process these things in therapy, but it's so frustrating to be constantly reminded of the SA, and to be constantly disregulated. I know that it will get easier, but it just feels so heavy and isolating right now. I'm finding it hard to explain to my partner when I am in this headspace, although she is insanely understanding, since it's so frequent lately.

I guess I am ranting more than anything, but trying to ground myself and stay positive, but it's really really hard right now. Anyways, thanks for reading haha I really appreciate this community of people who understand <3 .

[trying2c]

Hi laurrr,

I understand ~ (((hugs))) to you

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear this laurrrr and to have missed your post.

Perhaps you need a pause or at least not to tackle your abuse so head on and deeply? We have the right absolutely to ask our T's to go more slowly if we are overwhelmed. Bringing all this to the surface too quickly may get you out the other side but at a cost. It's hard to recall all that you went through at the best of times and recovery can be a tough journey as we all know here so if you can make things somewhat less triggering and give yourself time to get used to  what happened in smaller chunks, you may also feel a bit more in control.