grief

[em87]

part of my story (choppy):

I had another dream of fighting with family this morning, so I'm just coping as I can.

in high school I felt it was interesting that child abuse was talked about so casually - a peer told our friend group how their parents repeatedly (uncertain) took his things out of his room, or packed it up in a garbage bag. maybe even throwing out some of his belongings. yet I was invisible. I didn't have words for my experience - maybe I thought it was too small.

anyway, my abuse was bad enough that I started writing a narrative again this past week, as if from the POV of family investigators. and from that POV, no child/teens should be in the situation I was.

I almost reported my family in high school, but I stayed out of loyalty. sometimes I wish I spoke up - it was the best time/opportunity I had to speak up. instead I accepted how it wasn't a big deal - just something else I would need to fix. other peers had it worse. part of me worried my mom would hurt herself.

would the police even care? would DCFS even care? would I even be believed? I couldn't tell anyone about my SA, so why would my family situation be any different?

in middle school, she locked me in my room by tying my door shut for hours. she made me feel like a monster for multiple years. threatening to send me to live with other family. she would hide my things (like my pens or art supplies). in high school she would throw my things into the yard. yeah, I know there's worse things.

my mom has apologized for certain things, like fat shaming me, and is doing 'ok'. but she still has issues. and I'm not trying to hold her at fault for being a 'work in progress'. but how long can I stay patient like this? ie I feel like I shouldn't give up on her.

I don't want to be too graphic, but surely there's a difference between grounding your child and locking them in their room. tying them in to be exact, which naturally caused some hygiene problems. she shamed me for bathroom issues instead of meeting my emotional needs. It's not like I starved or anything, but the fact that I changed eating habits are a red flag (IMO). I won't elaborate on that for now.

but surely I didn't deserve that, and my sibling shouldn't have become a pawn in my mom's abuse. my mom shouldn't have avoided medical appointments.

and yes, I still feel like *I* was the abuser. did my mom deserve better? of course. but so did I.