My trauma hurting others

[Matilda3]

I hate how the way I was traumatised, made me a less good person to the people I love. I hurt people, because I was hurt. Even if that was the last thing I wanted.

I was scared to trust people who were honest. I trusted people who wrecked our lives. I had big emotions that were scary to the people around me. Even if they were overwhelmingly self-directed (e.g. wanting to die, hating myself). I could not keep practical appointments or work or clean my house well. I lashed out at people I loved.

I just hate hate hate the trauma I had, and how this influenced others. And I see all the billion choices I could have made to deal with that better. Speak up about the abuse. Be more forgiving. Not start meds - and not stop them irresponsibly. Focus on doing rather than overthinking. Being more stable to those around me, keeping my feelings away from them. Or sharing them in a more mature way. Trusting my own instincts better in certain things. Etc etc etc.

I want to be another person. With another life. Or actually...I want the person and the life back I had before I was sexually abused at 8. I was a very calm and gentle girl, empathic and sensitive. I was good as I was, even if my family didn't see that anymore after I got scared of abuse.

My trauma coming out, frightened those around me. I want my life back. I want my people back. I want to be to them the girl I was before all this happened...and I want them to see that girl.

[Blueberry]

  

It's the trauma that led you to act the way you did. It doesn't mean there is anything intrinsically wrong with you. You were a child when all this started.

Of course it's admirable to want to do better now and I'm sure you are step-by-step but we can't heal it all and alter our behaviour in one fell swoop. It doesn't work that way.

[Dalloway]

Matilda, I´m so sorry for all that happened to you. I wish I could travel back in time as an adult and be there for that little girl you were. I know how hard it is to accept all the things you can´t change and mourn all the losses and let go of everything you can´t be anymore. I often feel that, too. The what ifs and the regret for not having then the mind and brain you have now. When I feel and think these things, I always say to myself: it´s absolutely normal that you feel this way because now you have the capacity to think in a more clear and composed way; but to have this now, you had to go through all the phases. As Blueberry also said, it´s a process. And you´re doing so many things now to help yourself and I hope you can look back and appreciate all the changes you´ve made so far and be proud of yourself. Wishing you all the best. 

[Matilda3]

Thanks!