birthdays

[asdis]

please let us know if there's a better category for this. our birthday is soon and it's stressing us out really bad right now. it's always been a hard day for us. currently it means there's been Even More contact with family than normal this month. we've been doing our best to not let it affect us too much. it's our third birthday away from our family, first birthday in our place with our fiance. it should be our most peaceful birthday yet.

but our family can't seem to take a hint. and by that we mean comprehend the texts we send. they ask what day we want them to visit, we let them know that we have plans with our fiance and that we can visit after our birthday when he has time off work again. then they ask if they should plan for us to get there the day before or day of, we re-tell them our plans and that we will visit afterwards when we can. they ask "so the day after?". we say no. re-tell them our plans. give them slightly more detail, re-emphasize that we have plans Alone with our fiance. finally, 2/4 of them understand. then they start asking about gifts. first we say we don't know, we don't have anything in mind. they push, they press. we say we want to get summer clothes and maybe go out to a museum and dinner, but we don't have anything specific in mind. they send us rent money as a gift. we had to spend some of it on food and other bills already. which is great! but now also terrifying, because that means there's a 50/50 chance that they're not helping past that anymore. and without their help we have maybe 2 weeks to find someone willing to hire someone with our disabilities before we start losing necessities. then the other two keep pushing to come to our apartment. we keep saying no, we will come to you. but it just doesn't compute. *, one of them sent two messages and a voicemail reiterating their request for what day they can visit just 20 minutes ago.

our fiance's family has been fine about it, mostly just checking to see if we wanted them to come over/meet up somewhere. they've all respected our plans once told about them. we will probably just end up with some presents from them next time we see them. it makes us uncomfortable, but refusing a gift from them (even if they know we don't expect one from them/said we don't need anything) is worse than telling them their cooking is bad, and they're a family of quite amazing chefs/bakers. it's always a bit nerve racking to receive gifts for us. which leads to, apparently one of our friends has a birthday present for us and we are also very nervous about it. we don't like opening gifts in front of people because our facial expressions and tone rarely match how we actually feel and we have to perform excitement (which people pick up on) or react authentically (which people take as ungrateful) and it feels like a lose/lose.

and.. our fiance. he wants so badly to give us an amazing day. we have plans to eat at one of our favorite restaurants and go thrifting, maybe go to a museum if our body is okay with it. but this work week has been * on him. and he's so tired. any time spent with him will be perfect, but he's been so focused on hyping up our birthday plans that we've actually started to look forward to them. we have expectations now, and we don't like expectations. we've spent the last two days trying to balance the excitement with reassurances that we'll be okay and have fun even if our plans don't happen the way we expect. we've tried reminding him that what we care about most is spending time with him but he's dead-set on giving us a day out that we can enjoy because we don't really get that anymore since our disabilities got worse.

we have so many conflicting emotions about our birthday already. it was never really about us as a kid, at first it was a way for our parents to show off how "good" our family is and if our parents could buy our love. then it was about how good we could make our parents feel (and how much we could let them control us). it's always been about how good we could make others feel. i think last year was the first time we didn't cry on our birthday. and on top of the day itself, it's surrounded by traumaversaries. so the flashbacks have been taking a toll too. we know logically that our fiance's family and our friend aren't seeing our birthday the way our family does, and that our fiance doesn't either, but having so many people pay attention to it is stressing us out.

and now, despite wanting this to be our most peaceful birthday, and setting it up to be that, it's.. not. we don't know whether or not our parents are cutting off their help. we don't know whether or not our other family will make a surprise visit. we don't know who we're getting presents from outside of our one friend, or if we even are (rather not). and we don't know if we'll be able to carry out our birthday plans (that have been planned for weeks) because our fiance has been so exhausted and we might not have enough for bills.

[Hope67]

Hi asdis,
I think it's difficult when there are so many uncertainties about something, and I know that you and your fiance would prefer a peaceful birthday - I really hope that whatever happens, that you are able to enjoy some peaceful moments and that you are able to do some things that you want to do to celebrate your birthday.

I would like to wish you the best for your birthday.
Hope