Am I too traumatized to ever be vulnerable in friendships?

[wooboyattachmenttrauma]

Thank you for this forum. I am noticing here in midlife that I don't ever share my mental health struggles--not sure if that's the right word for it, what I mean under that umbrella is: feeling down, feeling so tired I can't work, feeling overwhelmed, dealing with emotional flashbacks, all the work I have to do to prevent or recover from feeling suicidal, or even just really grappling with like, is it true I was really this horribly abused? or the grief of not being able to have any relationship with anyone in my family of origin anymore--I don't ever share these with friends in my life. Friendships can feel so exhausting to maintain because of it. I have tried in the past and had my disclosures hurled against me later on. And even when people respond OK, it's rarely ever super great, and my system is just sometimes impossible to be anything other than disappointed. I can't imagine calling someone who isn't my therapist or isn't my partner who's in the thick of this with me all the time when I'm upset and asking to share or talk about it. I know there are CSA survivors who can, and Alisa Zipursky's _Healing Honestly_ has helpful tips on how to talk to friendships about sharing about this tough stuff, but it all seems so impossible for me. Lately I've been thinking that because I didn't have one non-abusive parent, and because the abuse was so very bad and extensive, maybe friendships that feel supportive just aren't in the cards for me. Like, my relational trauma is just too bad. I'm always afraid I'll overwhelm people with my need for soothing I never got, so why try at all? And honestly, who wants to hear about the * I'm dealing with? I sure as * don't myself!

[Marcine]

Hi Woo,
I can relate to what you wrote. In fact, the overlapping with my experiences is uncanny, my friend.
Your heart seems kind and generous. Your words are eloquent and real.
I don't know the answers to the questions you pose, but I think they are important ones to hold. I like how the author Rainier Rilke encourages to "love the questions" rather than seek only answers.
I especially appreciate reading your post today as I am currently navigating a deep pool of shame and catastrophic intrusive thoughts. I'm working on calmly observing my thoughts, like clouds in the sky or koi fish in a pond. But sometimes it just seems there's no there, there. A hollow center where my solid self should be hanging out and enjoying mid-life.
So, feel free to count me as a friend. I feel less alone reading your post. I hope this finds you feeling seen, even just a bit.

[Kizzie]

I've found the same thing as Marcine and you. My trauma is not something I would tell anyone about unless they are  a fellow survivor, a therapist or my H. It's just too much for most people to take in if they themselves are not a survivor.

That said, I do think we can sense over time if a friend can deal with knowing we suffered trauma and what degree of detail we can share.  Sometimes I will tell a person "Yah I didn't have the best childhood" something along those lines, but that's it. You can always say something like that. It opens the door if they have any questions, but if they don't want to know more they at least know you a bit more.

You do have all of us here now and can share what you need/want to 

[Blaithe]

Hi Woo,

It's strange because I can fake being vulnerable around my closest friends but I can't really... like when I feel like crying, I can't cry in front of them.