finally emotionally free but still entangled

[Edie]

Hi All,
My mother is a horrible NPD and my dad very passive but an incredible person.  I was such a great kid, did well in school, loved learning, popular, happy and loving but all that was beat out of me emotionally and physically.  By the time I finally got away from my mom my whole personality had changed.  One summer, My mom had refused to take me to the doctor and finally my friends had to ask her to take me. I had a nervous breakdown from being so sick so long and having her scream at me daily as I lay on sofa and got worse and worse.  I dropped 20lbs in a month, cried all the time.  I was a zombie who followed my first boyfriend around and just did whatever he did.  I couldn't think or sleep or eat. After a couple of years I recovered but the chronic insomnia, inability to eat or regulate my emotions and social anxiety went on for decades.  I had to force myself to eat and I could only sleep with valium and then for four hours and would wake up in a panic.  It was sheer * for decades.  I didn't find out my mom was NPD until I was in my early 50s and it blew my mind that she was the freak, not me.  I always thought something was dreadfully wrong with me, why else would my own mother hate me so much?  Its been slow going getting over the cognitive dissonance but when my Dad died (he was the only one who treated me well and I loved him so), I was finally able to start grieving this horrendous childhood and all the * I went through. it was super cathartic and now I sleep well, I eat too much, lol.  My mom has dementia and has lost her ability to dominate and control.  I actually confronted her with her behavior.  Boy, did it feel good but for the next month or so, she had a narcissistic collapse and screamed and threatened to cut me out of the will 100 times.  Anyway, there's more to the story about my golden child brother, convicted felon who spent 9 years in the penitentury,is super abusive and rages for hours at the slightest perceived slight. I don't have a formal diagnosis on him but his rages and extremely hateful behavior make me think he has some kind of personality disorder. I live far away from both of them. I am happy and living life to the fullest. I can connect with people and don't feel afraid of them anymore.  I realize I'm as good as everyone else. We can heal from this and live good lives and that's what I intend to do.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Edie! 

It sounds like you have put yourself on a good path to recovery - well done!  I hope being here will help you move forward even more. We certainly understand abuse/neglect so it's safe space to say what you need to

[Edie]

Thank you, I'm so glad to be here. I'm reading lots of posts and they are immensely helpful. Its so nice to find a group that understands.

[Hope67]

Hi Edie,
Welcome 
Hope

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome, Edie. I'm glad you are far away from your abusers