Funeral

[Matilda2]

My aunt died. I didn't see her for years. I am invited to the funeral. I will go out of respect.

I will meet my brothers and their family there. I didn't see them for 5 years. I do not know my nephews. I no longer have a wish to talk to my family. I really do not want to. But the last mail I sent was a fawn one. They do not know that or why I am angry, for they never asked my opinion. They heard a * of gossip from dad. And spread that too.

My sexually abusive uncle may also be there. I am not so scared to meet him. He said sorry. I heard he was ashamed.  I don't feel stressed seeing him. The other family is neutral to me. We never speak. We lost sight of each other. None of them said a word when I was abused. I'm interested in hearing how they are for 5 minutes. But that's it. Nobody knows my side of the story about my nuclear family. They likely did hear a lot of gossip.

I obviously do not want to ruin a funeral with nasty stuff. 

Extra: I do not want dad to know I made a major turn yet. For strategical reasons.

How do I navigate this?

[Matilda2]

I think I will just kindly greet my father and brothers, and avoid them by talking to others. Kid being there kind of complicates things. I am willing to forgive, but unwilling to talk to them.

[Kizzie]

I think I will just kindly greet my father and brothers, and avoid them by talking to others.

This is what I did at my F's funeral whenever it was possible. I was given this suggestion by someone at our sister site Out of the FOG and it worked quite well.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by not letting your F know you have made a major turn?

[Matilda2]

Thanks. I will do that. I was overly positive about my incest uncle, and mean to family. Corrected it.

I am not sure whom to talk to. I have...

...an uncle who just lost his wife. There's three kids. I barely know them. They'll be busy.
...an uncle who ended up with severe psychiatrics problems and suicide attempts.
...an uncle who abused me. Then cheated on his wife. After she forgave his pedophilia. He married the lady he cheated with. Then another he cheated with. They have a son.
...an uncle who always flees abroad. He had a nasty divorce, then married the woman he cheated with, then moved abroad, left his young daughter. Who now has a kid.

They aren't psychopaths. Just sensive and very broken. I barely know the kids. This will be so fun.

"There was never a problem, we were such a perfect family, then Matilde suddenly got psychiatric problems. Not PTSD, no no no, it is a genetic problem, we are very sure. She had a lovely and safe childhood. Like all of us. If only she hadn't been such a difficult child. For no logical reason. We have no idea why she keeps talking about family trauma. Nothing to see here."

Kind of feel sorry for mum. She grew up trying to care for everyone. I once asked her how she was as a little girl. She whispered: scared. Always scared. Then said: no no, maybe not. Maybe I made that up. And it was all good. Kind of breaks my heart. Wish I could go back and comfort her. With a more healed mind. 
 

[Matilda2]

As for the turn.

I always fawned on such occasions.

I want to stop fawning. And speak up with CPS. He will notice the change. And fear I'll speak up. And revenge. There's absolutely zero tolerance for me being mature and autonomous. So if I'm not pleasing they will notice and he will plan getting back at me. Maybe.

I like what Brené Brown calls "strong back soft front". But they try to break my back every time I try. I need to be stronger myself first. If I'm not, they'll break me. Rather than me healing them. I can be polite AND go for my own goals with kid.

[Matilda2]

I figured out there's a service for just their nuclear family. Both her and his side of the family is rather...interesting. My guess is they too felt it wasn't possible to put everyone in a room together. And avoided the family trouble like this.

There's for others an hour to say goodbye and say your condolences. I suspect I will be in a line, shake the hand of uncle and his kids. And can freely leave after. Or drink coffee. I want to speak with some family shortly. Avoid my own nuclear family. With the bathroom excuse if needed "sorry, I'd love to talk, but I really need a visit to the toilet".

I feel strong enough.

[Matilda2]

I just spoke with dad about the funeral.

He warned me that my brothers would be there. It still weirds me out. He caused a fight between us. He pokes up the fight all the time. But then he also says he is sad we don't speak. I asked him to stop the smearing campaign then. He says he doesnt, because he has a right to talk to his sons. Does he even understand cause and effecT?!?

I said I wanted to take my own kid to the funeral. He said he'd think about it. I was strong and calm. I feel a slight draw back in. He always seems so innocent in a mood like this. But I stayed strong.

[Blueberry]

Matilda, I think the most important thing is to look after yourself and forget everybody else, however looking after yourself looks exactly.

You can take this with a large pinch of salt, but I do wonder if it might be best for you to not go at all? I have been told it's good to have an ally in these sorts of situations. I don't read in your posts that you have an ally anywhere among those who will be at the funeral. Nobody to be there for you.

I have made the very serious mistake of being at important FOO events with nobody to turn to, nobody to get immediate support from when FOO members did their usual to me (or said or ignored or clearly showed they were all allied with at least somebody else in FOO). For me - retraumatisation! Big learning experience but threw me back as well and was so, so painful. Because of my experience, I would suggest not going at all. You have probably told your deceased aunt's family that you are going? It's OK to change your mind. A nicely worded card of condolence can be enough to show your respect. Plus if that side of the family is splitting up who goes when - it sounds as if they have knowledge and experience of family problems anyway and won't hold it against you if you don't go. But even if they were to, what counts is your life, your health including emotional health, and your stability and emotional safety.

I wonder if you might be stuck in an abusive cycle with your F? https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/abusive-cycle  I found the diagram and explanation very useful for myself for a number of years.

Just ignore if way off base. But I do find myself worrying about you as I read your posts here.

[Matilda2]

Thanks.

I've thought about not going. I'll give it a real good thought and let my uncle know tomorrow. I think I will just walk in, offer my condolences, and walk right out. Not take kid. Only in passing by greeting other family.

There are no allies in my family. My dad took real good care of that. He told me nobody would ever believe me if I talked about what he did to us, because he made sure all were on his side. As a child, only my granny said she knew it wasn't okay at home and offered me to move in with her (abusive uncle lived there too so it wasn't an option). Granny is dead. Dad happily reminded me: nobody knows now because she's dead. He casually checked whether anyone else had noticed. I heard him mentally check a strategical box when I openly said no.

I indeed think we got stuck in a cycle like this. To the point I didn't know who was the perpetrator and whom the victim. He hurts my kid, and our bond, so I found it real hard to not show my pain. I took a step back from this now. I'm growing stronger. I'm not reacting anymore. Im working very hard on my own life and health and motherhood and social connections. It's hard to not be sucked back in. But I try. I do not want to show radical changes towards family though. Like explicitly saying I'm no contact. If they notice I'm trying to recover, they will try hard to throw me off balance. 

A small detail I noticed. Dad said: if brothers don't travel with me, you can ride with me in the car. That sounded kind to me. Until I realised he always invites brothers first. Then sees if there's room for me. When they own cars and I don't.

I'm switching between parts. But I manage leading my own life better in the meanwhile. I pour out my fear and confusion here. Because I want to be strong in daily life. Showing instability there will weaken my position.

I am always super open. But I cannot now. :-/

[Matilda2]

I find it terribly hard to be so selfish. But I think I will not go to the funeral. I will send my uncle a kind text with my support and tell him I cannot come because of personal circumstances that I will explain in a better moment. I will send flowers to their house or something else that is bigger than a card. I will also send them a card on a few later occasions, to show them we are thinking of them also after the first turmoil settled.

[Kizzie]

I think that's perfect Matilda, protecting yourself while at the same time letting your uncle know you care and are thinking of them.

[Matilda2]

Thanks. I sent and received a very kind message from uncle. That it was okay, that he understood I supported them, and that his daughters found it too difficult to be around all the family, so wouldn't be there. Only in the private thing. I felt real happy. This is my most normal uncle, I think. If he hadn't lost his wife, I would have reached out to talk about the dad situation. He has empathy.

[Blueberry]

Wow. What a confirmation for you! I'm so happy your uncle was able to react that way. No blame, no shaming, no guilting. That's wonderful. 

[Matilda3]

Yeah it was! I thought about reconnecting in a while.