Massive dissonance AND still here

[Desert Flower]

I've been wanting to write about the past few weeks but didn't get round to it until now. And this could easily be a journal post as well but my feeling was it warranted a separate post so people will feel free to respond if they want to.

Prologue
So last month or so I had really been doing all right. My therapist and I agreed my sessions may be planned further apart and will come to an ending (earlier I wrote I was very anxious about ending therapy, I was only given a limited number but then I had been granted an extension so that was nice. The extension is now about to end too). We both think my condition really did improve a lot and I now know how to deal with it a lot better.

Then, some three weeks ago, the guinea pig died and that was triggering. And my husband and I and the kids took a trip to London, which was highly triggering. I had organised the whole thing and I was afraid of so many things that could go wrong. Being late for attractions, being robbed, the kids gone missing etc. etc. (of course, none of that actually happened). So that was too much and half way through the trip I developed a biting back pain and a cold with fatigue, like the old days. I tried accepting that though it was hard. And took some rest.

Main story
But then, as some of you may have read in my journal, my mom died unexpectedly. My mom that I wrote about extensively already. For instance:
- The two sides of my mother
- Cassandra came out
I'm not relating the whole process of her death here. What I want to say is, I went into survival mode, not feeling anything, only organising her funeral the way I think she would have wanted to.

And what was most striking to me was that all the reactions I got from her friends, acquaintances, former colleagues etc. were the same: "she was always trying to help", "always taking care of others", "always wanting others to be happy". And the dissonance with my experience with her was MASSIVE. I did not feel she ever helped me (she did not do anything when I was being sexually abused in her house f.i.), I did not ever feel she took care for me (the way I needed to be cared for) (in fact she once told me she didn't really want any children to begin with) and although I do believe she wanted me to be happy, that to me turned out to be an imperative: "you must be happy, or I cannot/will not be happy". And it resulted in her not wanting me/us to feel any difficult feelings, which resulted in me not having any feelings at all, which turned out not to help me at all.

And all the while through organising everything, I knew this. I knew this dissonance was there. And I almost consciously decided not to feel it then. Just get the whole thing over without my feelings about things, I put her first and the way she would have wanted it. I did it this way because I know she couldn't give me what I needed, not because she didn't want to but because she had know idea how to. And everybody told me it was a beautiful service. And I think I did good. She herself never knew or understood what was 'wrong with me' or with this picture and neither did the people surrounding her. And I was not gonna tell them now. I only told them what they had told me: that she always wanted to help everybody etc. And I omitted I felt she never helped me (or my brother).

And one of the other speakers at the service told a story of me as a toddler, being taken to school with my mom, to the place where she was teaching and my mom saying to the school kids: "you just look out for her (meaning me) and I will keep my eyes on you (school kids)". And my heart ached when the speaker said this, because I so wish it would have been the other way around: her saying: "I will keep my eyes on my kid en you school kids keep your eyes on me/the teacher".

And when the service was over, and my h and me and kids were at the beach, a part came out that felt immense relief and a sense of of great freedom to finally be who I am, be ALL I am, feel everything my parts need to feel. And I do not feel guilty about that. Yes, another part of me still loves her and is missing her terribly and is very sad. And part of me does feel guilty for writing this post, she finds it harsh. And yet another part of me was very angry at the school teacher/mom treating her own kids as school children, but never even grading us! I never even knew whether I was average, good, or bad at anything, she never told us. And I just tried and tried to be perfect so she would notice me, tell me she loved me, tell me I was okay. Which she never did.

And I learned all these feelings are valid. It's a complicated mixture of feelings and they are all allowed to be here. And that feels like freedom to me.

So, yes, the dissonance was massive but all of me is still here. And doing all right.

[Kizzie]

Big hug if that's OK Desert Flower.    I never went to my own M's funeral because I knew people there would be talking about what a good mother, person, sister, aunt, etc., she was.  She was always trying to be the good whatever, not because she care about any of us but because she loved the attention it brought her. 

Anyway I felt relieved when she passed and I just could not bring myself to organize or go to her funeral. She had made all or most of her funeral plans before she passed and my dutiful B carried out her wishes.   

All of this is to say you are not alone in how you felt and feel, those who abused/neglected us often leave us with a  massive amount of dissonance and it's hard to do anything but cope with it all as best we can. I think you're doing a good job and bravo to you for writing about it in such an honest manner. IMO that's what our souls need, a place where we can feel safe to talk about these kinds of things - here, with a therapist, with trusted family/ friends.

[Desert Flower]

Thank you, Matilda and Kizzie, you saying that means a lot to me.
And I'm so glad for the safe space this is for us survivors.