Mothers Day is Different This Year

[gcj07a]

For context: my undiagnosed borderline mother physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me.

Mothers Day is tomorrow and my feelings are weirder than in previous years. For the last five mothers days (this will be my sixth since going NC), I've dealt with flashbacks and surges of anger and elevated SOT. But this time around, though on the struggle bus more than usual, I am surprisingly put together and calm. I've even been entertaining the possibility of reaching out to her. I went so far as to write a letter and to mull over what I would say. Then, for the first time in a long time, I read back through my journals and reaquianted myself with all that I went through. I had forgotten so much of the horror! In healing so much, in having properly integrated my traumatic memories, I forgot just who I was dealing with. I lapsed into a default assumption that my M is someone I should honor. But having been reminded of what I've been through, and having reminded myself that I can expect absolutely nothing good to come from interacting with her, I once again truly remembered why I put the NC in place to begin with. It wasn't because of the abuse I suffered as a child, but it was because there was absolutely nothing about her that had changed, that she continued to treat me poorly, and she was treating my children poorly as well. The NC wasn't punishment for a bad mother; it was self-defense. It isn't that my mother is a bad person and shouldn't be honored so much as it is the case that I, functionally, never had a mother. Even the sweet moments growing up are tainted with her manipulation. Instead of a mother, I had the opposite: not someone who gives, but who takes. Not someone who loves, but who demands love. Not someone who models healthy relationships, but who twists all relationships to the breaking point. She was no true mother to me, and acknowledging that fact is deeply freeing. As I told my T the other day, I have other mothers in my life I can honor: my wife, my dad's mother, my wife's mother, my wife's grandmother, and many friends who are mothers.

[Kizzie]

The NC wasn't punishment for a bad mother; it was self-defense.

I absolutely agree with you about this and I wish people understood this about why we go NC.

I'm so glad you realized you can't get back in touch with her, I think that's some real recovery.  They just don't change because they are broken and they don't see us as real people, just objects or sources of attention, etc.

I hope you have a lovely Mother's Day tomorrow   

[SpaceOddity]

For many of us, going NC isn't a luxury but a necessity. Very few people understand and that means more misunderstanding for us to deal with.   For so many years after going NC I wasn't able to feel any love for my mother because of what she put me through.  Anger is totally legitimate and needed for self-protection.  The thing I found most difficult in dealing with anger is the way it made me feel bound to her even though she was no longer in my life.  Now that I am more familiar with the nature of generational trauma the anger isn't directed at my mother as much as it used to and it is a relief.  I can experience loving feelings at certain moments but no wish to reconnect.  The kind of longing I have has more to do with the mother-daughter relationship I never had. 

[wooboyattachmenttrauma]

Thank you for this thread. I really appreciate others who understand why we go NC. I also like what the PP said about being able to feel the longing, but still knowing we don't want to reconnect. My mother wasn't super obvious in her emotional abuse, which makes it hard--not like verbally abusing me, harrassing, etc.--but even so my estrangement was somethiing I needed to do to heal. Her relentless denial and protection of the abuser and total lack of concern for my feelings and respect for my need for space just sends me into a total tailspin anytime I tried. We should have a children's day, not a mother's day.