Soothing myself while speaking up

[Matilda2]

I am also just terrified. I spoke up since kid was a newborn. Even if I had no words. First about his own dad. Who was worse. Then about my parents. The mental health and cps services did nothing but talk it out of my mind. Or help dad. Until I believed I was the problem. Even when I called the police and said they stole things or kidnapping was threatened by ex and I could prove it...they did nothing. I find it hard to trust those organisations.

It did not ever happen that someone talked to my dad, and still believed me after. Except one person. Who saw his behaviour with no mask. And they later withdrew it. Possibly after dad pressured them. Dad said he did. 

[Matilda2]

It is just so weird. Both parents had sides that felt truly loving. Not like a psychopath I knew who felt cold. Or my ex who felt so locked in, that I could not reach him emotionally.

I try to speak up and try to think how to defend my kid. But I cannot make sense of it. And everytime I verbalise the abuse, CPS starts to work against me. Rather than for me and kid. If I minimalise it, they think it wasn't that bad. If I say everything, they think I'm crazy.

[Matilda2]

I am very very very hurt. I got a message from CPS. The organisation they hired (not the systems therapist) to research the possibilities for kid...only researched the possibilities with dad. They did so by asking his flying monkeys. They all said dad was the greatest ever granddad on the face of the earth.

They just sent their report. Which said there were no worries at all. Dad masked well. They took over dad's words that I'm instable etc for kid as fact. A big time back dad told this somewhere. Every organisation takes this over and repeats it. It stays in the file forever now. Everyone passes it on. As if a fatct. Even if nobody ever tested it. It was just gossip.

They also said they will not research whether kid can come back. Because he was there too long. And has it good there. Apparently you can destabilise someone with abuse and steal their kid. Without anybody ever wondering if he can come back to his mum. Of if there's maybe a reason for her stress.

I broke my own promise and called dad that I was angry and wanted him out of my life. And that he hurt me and kid horribly. He said that was fine and he didn't care. Every little bit of my heart breaks and hurts today. And I feel guilty for not having been able to break the cycle. Because my own pain got the best of me.

[Matilda2]

And I'm telling myself it's a punishment for the fact I couldn't forgive my father better. And be kinder. Maybe if I always responded calm and gentle to their abuse, as my faith asked, I would have prevented this.

At this moment I do not want to be kind and gentle though. I want to do as my dad's mum did his dad....probably out of utter despair...and throw the dishes to his head.

[Blueberry]

I am very very very hurt. I got a message from CPS.

I'm so sorry Matilda. I can't do anything to help except stand with you.

[Blueberry]

I decided to not let this blow me away. I will continu doing the stuff I find important. And being there in the time I have with kid. I even refrained from responding to the report in emotion to this organisation

       You are strong!

Tho if it helps, do emote to this organisation in a safe place e.g. here on Recovery Letters

[Matilda2]

Thank you.

[Kizzie]

I hate to say it but I think it's going to take legal action to get your child back and keep him away from you both (if that's what you want).  I Googled how to deal with a malignant N in court and here's what I got back:

To navigate a legal battle with a narcissist, focus on presenting objective evidence, maintaining composure, and seeking expert legal counsel. Document everything, including communication and incidents of abuse, and be prepared to explain narcissistic personality disorder to the court. Prioritize the child's best interests in custody cases and avoid being drawn into emotional arguments.

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

1. Focus on Facts and Evidence:
Document everything:
Keep detailed records of all communications, interactions, and incidents, including texts, emails, social media posts, and recordings.
Gather witness accounts:
If possible, have friends, family, or professionals who have witnessed the narcissist's behavior provide statements.
Seek expert evidence:
Consider obtaining a psychological report evaluating the narcissist's mental health, which can help the court understand the patterns of abuse.
Stick to the issues:
Avoid personal attacks or getting drawn into emotional arguments. Focus on the facts and the specific issues at hand (e.g., divorce grounds, financial arrangements, child custody).

2. Understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Educate yourself and your lawyer:
Be prepared to explain to the court what narcissistic personality disorder is, how it manifests in relationships, and how it impacts behaviors.
Recognize narcissistic tactics:
Understand the common tactics narcissists use, such as manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional blackmail.

3. Maintain Composure and Seek Support:
Practice self-care: Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining, so prioritize your well-being.
Lean on your support network: Connect with trusted friends, family, or therapists for emotional support.
Seek professional legal help: Find a lawyer experienced in dealing with narcissistic personalities, who can navigate the legal process and protect your interests.

4. Prioritize the Child's Best Interests (in Custody Cases):
Focus on the child's welfare: Always prioritize what is best for the child in all aspects of the case.
Avoid placing the narcissist's needs above the child's: Narcissists may try to manipulate the court into favoring their own interests, so focus on the child's best interests.

5. Be Prepared for a Prolonged and Contentious Process:
Anticipate challenges:
Narcissists are likely to prolong the legal process, making it difficult to reach a resolution.
Set boundaries:
Be firm in setting boundaries with the narcissist, especially during negotiations or court proceedings.
Allow your lawyer to lead:
Involve your lawyer in all aspects of the negotiation process, especially if the narcissist is likely to push boundaries.

It's a lot I know but it sounds like you are at the point where you're going to have fight for custody and that means you'll need support. You're beaten down and that means you may not have the energy to get through this which is why connecting with agencies (e.g., women's support) and a therapist who will support you will be important. 

If you Google how to beat an N in court there are a lot of links so maybe skim those too and see if anything makes sense as far as your situation goes. There may be law firms near you who will do this work for free.

[Matilda2]

Thanks. I got my emotions back on track. Sorry for ranting so much here. I am indeed beaten down. And need to mask in front of others, which is my worst skill.

I fought since kid was born. I could win from my antisocial ex. But I had superb expert witnesses. Several. And he had nothing at all to use against me. Because I was calm and kind. I don't think I ever really fought back. Even once. Until I realised. Quit contact. And never showed him my despair. Even then CPS chose him. Pretended it was a mutual conflict. Without even one single sentence of fighting on paper from me, because I did not say anything abusive at all, and tried my best to be sweet. Even then we were only rescued by the judge.

With dad...not a single judge will believe me. Dad was extremely calculated. I don't think he is a malignant narc. I still cannot believe that. There's a good side to him. But he documented my every wrong. Hid all of his. Played the family and family friends carefully. Played kid. Made sure everything practical looked perfect.

I did the opposite. I did want to genuinely heal myself and him and kid. Inside. But after years of terror about my child, and taking on the complete system, I wasn't and am not my best self anymore. My emotions were on the outside. My life was messy. Dad has a lot to use against me. That is understandable if you know the context of his behaviour AND experienced narcissism yourself. But not to anyone else.

I will connect to an agency. But he was hard enough to fight his own child to near suicide for a decade. And not flinch. I was not hard enough to fight my own dad. My pain over my child and my family was visible to all. From 100km away. I do not really have hope. To be honest. I knew last year that I had to stay silent. But yeah. I don't think I can win this anymore. He started fighting a decade (or a few decades) earlier.

My best hope is the systems therapist. Because she may be sensitive enough to look beyond surface level. Sensitive people pick up something is not right. Several did. Still being a stupid * and despairingly begging and screaming for my dad to work together kind of...will backfire.

I'm still somehow hoping I can reach my dad, and we can be buddies, and do this together. But yeah. Well. Yeah. I'm also so disabled by all this by now, that I cannot care for my child fulltime I think. I asked to be placed in a mother and child home together. For me to recover. And kid and me to be observed. To get all the advice we can get. I also asked to place him in a foster family I knew well. CPS refuses this. But maybe the systems therapist will back me up. At this point I'm thinking maybe I'm so hurt, that dad is a better carer for kid.

Anyway. I'm still ranting a bit. I'm out of ideas. Staying strong enough till kid is an adult and being there for him best I can is also an option. Dad doesn't abuse kid, I think, other than alienating him from his mum and every healthy person on her side, and playing his family apart, and telling him he is very mean if he shows the slightest critical emotion. Which is bad. But I'm not sure at this point, I can still offer him anything better. Except that I wanted the best for him, and protected him from much worse abuse, at the cost of being utterly destroyed myself. But he can't profit of that much. If I'm all sad and anxious. :-/ I'm not showing much instability with him. But he knows I'm in pain. He isn't dumb.

[Matilda2]

I fought for my child to the point of breaking. And should have taken better care of myself as well...as I was needed for him too. 

[Matilda2]

I am not strategical and I am out of strategical moves. :-/

And I feel I just have nothing left to offer kid. I loved and trusted my dad. Except for kid, he may have been the person I loved most. He completely and utterly broke my heart.

All my despair of the last years was heartbreak over kid, but also confusion and heartbreak  over dad himself. He did and said things I never thought him capable of. And he just...his complete coldness when I reached out to him...and kid reached out to him...I don't think I knew that of him of before mum died. I feel he had some sort of trauma shut down.

Mum would verbally abuse me and he would sit there and not help me. When I was a kid. Or he knew I had a completely untrustworthy abusive boyfriend, and thought it was none of his business. And shrugged. But at this level...I never saw it in him.

There were normally kind sides to dad. I am heartbroken over both. To be honest. I want to reach both.

[Matilda2]

I was working hard to ignore all hurt and get my own life in order. I need to pick that up tomorrow.

My house, my garden and my finances are rapidly improving. I organized help for the things I cannot do by myself. I have a few truly dear friends and neighbors. I have a job I love. A nice church. I'm improving my physical health. My contacts in all these places are warm and open. I need to function consistently well there. And collect proof of that. 

The moments kid was here were calm. He did notice I was sad at times. I need to hide that better. I want to openly ask the systems therapist for help. I need to offer kid a better place here even if in pain. I arranged for a foster family for afternoons to send kid at times I feel too hurt to be a good mum. 

Cps may want a genuine research. I need to shift focus to convincing them. And the systems therapist. Im going to put all the family problems on the table. Mine too.

I also need to stop putting negative energy towards dad. Of any kind. I cannot win this battle in court. I can prove a few things, like him and brother beating me to the ground, or a professional calling him narcissistic,  but they already said they don't care what he did to me. I've heard of courts allowing visitation to a dad who murdered the kid's mum, because anything towards the mum is allowed. It doesn't count. They see it independent of his behaviour to the kid. I can prove his family was narcissistic, autistic, sadistic to part of the kids. It simply doesn't count. I said kid told me he was frightened...it doesn't count. It wasn't recent enough.

I said I needed a shelter to recover and be observed with kid. They don't allow.

I heard a lawyer say she wanted to throw chairs at cps for never understanding situations like this. I want to by now. I've been telling them exactly what was needed for 14 years.

I'm guessing I have to accept kid grows up with dad. And have to work on getting my side in order. As to not hurt kid more. I think kid may be harmed more if I start a gigantic battle in court. I don't know.

I will cry my eyes out when nobody is looking. And build something good on my side in the rest of the time.

[Matilda2]

I think the most strategical move i can think of is to ask for parallel parenting. Quit all contact with dad. And then magically recover in all areas of life. If I succeed at that, somehow, I think that would together with the slight slivers of proof I have, make them feel there's something weird going on.

In combination with the npd story that I can prove. The beating story. And trying to get the systems therapist on my side. 

Also, if I succeed, but in court I fail, kid has his mum back at least parttime. Rather than a messy sad mum.

And it may cause dad to think. Ideally. I need to get up. In whatever possible way.

Sorry for whining so much btw. This is the safest place to express my pain and confusion. I do not want to mask. I want to compartimentalise the hurt though. And be a nice mum, a joyful carer at work, a good friend. It's necessary for kid too.

[Blueberry]

Matilda, I don't think you're ranting and you're certainly not whining! All this pain you're going thru now - present pain, past pain, envisaging future pain and difficulties with your dad - it's got to go somewhere, it needs to be expressed! That is partly what the forum is for, especially if there is nobody safe in real life to whom you can express even a tiny bit of this. But even if there were that person, you'll find most of us on OOTS use the forum to express too. Because there is so much that never had a chance to be expressed. It was not allowed in most (all?) of our pasts.

In the general scheme of things, I'm not going thru anything like the heartbreak you're going thru rn. There are things going on, things to mull on, limits and boundaries to set, help to look for etc etc but nothing like what landed in your lap recently. Still, I'm on the forum almost daily and today I told my occupational therapist about a whole lot too. I just needed somebody trustworthy to listen, trustworthy in the sense that people on the forum are. And it did help to say some stuff again and to hear a few more comments from him. Anyway, not your lookout rn - but just know: I'm 99% certain I'm not the only one on the forum who understands what you're going through and is quite contented for you to keep writing, to get this FOO poison out of you bit by bit, chunk by chunk. I'm probably not even the only one cheering you on!

Keep up the good work

And when you're uncertain because some boomerangs have come back to you, feel free to come back and ask. It's pretty normal in recovery to start doubting yourself again.

[Armee]