Fatigue, guilt, and shame

[Chaos rains]

Greetings! I know that a lot of you (most? All?) can relate to chronic fatigue. I've been exhausted my entire life and wish I knew what it is like to have sustained energy. I fight the guilt and shame of my "laziness" every single day.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer this past October and have since had a couple of surgeries and just finished a round of radiation treatment. I have been spared chemo, thankfully. I can't imagine how it would be if I had to deal with that as well. As it is, I'm just so tired. I finished radiation two weeks ago. I went on a short hike yesterday, barely a mile, and I'm useless today, nothing but sleeping.

I read about so many women who continue to exercise through chemo, go right back to work, etc., and I swear the guilt makes me feel even more tired. I know better than to compare myself to normies, but it's not like I have a choice. The shame of my laziness is deeply rooted in me. Sometimes I try to imagine what a life free from the stress of constantly and continuously measuring my shortcomings, of the guilt and shame of being such a weak, pathetic being. I think about being lighthearted and having the energy to get through a day without collapsing and I don't think I'll ever get there.

And all this is happening in my own brain. I'm completely no contact with my FOO. My husband supports me 100% and even my coworkers encourage me to rest more. I want to tear out this guilt and shame by the roots. Goals, I guess, goals. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm so sorry you are struggling with shame on top of the fatigue.

I am sure you know this already but the body uses INSANE amounts of calories for healing. Burning up calories is hard work. You might feel you are just lying around being lazy but your body is still working hard. As is your brain, processing all this stress and fear, and guilt and shame, plus of course managing the project your body has of healing. You clearly know your husband and co-workers are right when they suggest you take the rest you need.

For myself, I know that I would likely be one of those who would exercise through chemo, or do my level best to do so. That is not because I am some noble, hard-working, "rah rah everything is sunny and positive" kind of person. It's because for me it is a way to blank out and not think about things and I am quite capable of burning myself out totally as a result. Once I discovered this effect of exercise for me I was hooked. Having energy has little to do with it in my case. Plus I am rather good at simply ignoring discomfort or pain until it floors me. That is not big or clever.

Seems to me that at least some of the root cause could be that we both think we are not really worthy of love and care, though we come at the problem from different directions. Your body forces you to sleep through the shame and mine forces me to exercise through it.

I certainly don't know what the answer is but your post resonates.

I guess you'll have some sort of scan once the radiation therapy has had time to finish working. I gather it keeps going for a while after treatment. I hope that scan result is good and that in the meantime you gradually find some more of the energy you desire.

 

[Kizzie]

Chaos, I'm a cancer survivor too and I remember before I had surgery and chemo the professionals treating me said I would be tired.  I wasn't just tired though, I was exhausted!  I couldn't have even managed a walk like you did, it was an absolute slog to just go into my pharmacy to get  meds. And heaven forbid if there were even a slight incline somewhere I had to walk or stairs, my gawd not stairs! Nope not going to happen.

We have pushy inner critics who yell at us constantly but they really are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Please take it easy and tell them to pipe down, they make it even harder to recover when you're flooded with guilt and shame.

So, "Nope go away, I need to rest and I don't need you shouting at me!"   

[Blueberry]

Chaos Rains, I agree in so far as my experience goes with NK and Kizzie.

I tend heavily to exhaustion, even 'just' in healing from all the emotional stuff. I broke an ankle bone 10 days ago and was totally exhausted the first week, tho I was being waited on hand and foot. Other people might not have been but they're not me so the comparison is not helpful! And unlike you and me those people maybe don't have cptsd in healing, siphoning off energy into the bargain. Or if they do, they may have a different reason for boundless energy, as NK explained. 

[Blueberry]

PS I think treatment for and healing from cancer is going to take a whole lot more out of most people than the same for a broken ankle bone!

Even more so if you've always been exhausted, as you mention early in your post.

[Kizzie]

Chaos Rains, I also wanted to say that some people are of the 'never show you're in pain variety' so they may work through treatment but collapse when they go home.  Also, cancer patients may have had less draining amounts and type of treatment.

Be like a cat and never feel guilty or apologize for snoozing   

[Marcine]

Chaos,
I'm a breast cancer survivor too, it's been 8 years since treatment.
Everyone's journey is unique, and everyone going through such intense healing needs extra rest.
My positive thoughts are with you

[Chart]

Chaos,
There's a classic book on shame by John Bradshaw. Maybe you've already read it?
Anyway I hope you're feeling better. Sending support.
 

[Marcine]

Chaos,
There's a classic book on shame by John Bradshaw. Maybe you've already read it?
Anyway I hope your feeling better. Sending support.
 

Chart, good suggestion, thank you. I just checked "Healing the Shame that Binds You" out from my local library. How did I never read this before?