I wish I had a personality disorder.

[droopsnoot]

I spent so many years in therapy trying desperately to find some sort of diagnosis. I didn't care what. BPD, ASPD, HPD. Anything that meant I didn't have to process my trauma. It was so much easier for me to wrap my head around the idea that something was fundamentally wrong with me. But knowing that I could've had a normal life had I not been taken advantage of feels like the worst outcome.

I was told countless times that people had no idea what was wrong because it made no sense for me to have the symptoms I do without any outside factors. Sometimes I wish I could go back and admit to everybody that I was being abused and they were right all along. I feel like I'm in mourning for all the amazing relationships that I ended because of what I went through. I feel guilty for lying and trying to write everything off as genetics. If only I had the words I have now to explain the things I do.

All I can do tho is hope that I don't make these same mistakes in the future.

[Blue_Jays]

Thanks for sharing,

I completely relate to this. I also stumble on those thoughts too. Of wanting to have another reason for the way that I am. Many people have hinted towards me being autistic throughout my life, but that was before they knew about the abuse. I very well could be, but I am not certain.

I often wish I could go back to high school, gather everyone I knew into the same room and walk through why I am the way I am (and was). I guess that is just the desire to be understood. I had been a bit of a compulsive liar in my youth, but it was only because there was no space for the truth at that time in my life, too much in jeopardy. I have a lot of guilt and grief around my youth.

Anyways, thank you for sharing.

[beet]

As someone who has BPD I want you to understand that it doesn't mean that something is fundamentally wrong with you. BPD comes from trauma in childhood, there is perhaps little difference between that and CPTSD and the only reason I haven't continued the cycle is because I got support that helped me start to process my trauma.

I do totally understand your feelings though. A lot of us have been told that the problem was us, and sometimes it feels like ti would be easier if that was true. But we're not the problem. We never were.

[kilroyinco]

Hi,
I read your subject line differently. I thought for years that I had depression. I didn't want something to be wrong with me. I just knew I was suffering. Since I was a small child. It wasn't until three different therapists told me "you know you have PTSD, right?" that I found my way to complex trauma. The problem with all of this, which is sort of what I connected with from your subject, is everything seems to fall between the cracks. Without an actual, recognized diagnosis, I don't fit in anywhere, which is part of the problem to begin with. There aren't clear paths forward. I have spent the last three years finding my own treatment practice, having to find a path on my own, as I have done since I was very young. What I have concluded after a lot of introspection and deep research is there are loads of people who are impacted by trauma without any awareness.