Completely unmotivated to take on adult responsibilities

Started by geckoskittlezx7900338, January 03, 2025, 05:56:32 PM

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geckoskittlezx7900338

Now I have access to that * Advanced Personality cognitype test all day all night long the one that always types me as something that gives my ego a heart attack.
Now that I no longer have to worry about people looking at my browsing history (library computers) I could make another PDB account if I wanted to and I kind of miss that website but I'm too scared to go down that rabbit hole again, the misinformation the mistyping the overall nasty people and not to mention the obvious fact HOW * CHILDISH AND EMBARRASSING IT IS FOR A 19-YEAR-OLD TO USE THAT WEBSITE UNIRONICALLY ESPECIALLY TO AN EXCESSIVE DEGREE.

This post is to just summarise and conclude and explain everything in as much detail as possible. My social worker spoke to crisis team after reading my very venty indeed email and I was told the crisis team will call me back at some point but I doubt that will even ever actually happen considering my iphone is too old to receive calls even if it has data on it.

Way too much has happened today that resulted in yet another agonising, shame-filled, suicidal state of just intense despair (some people enjoy crying because they find it a therapeutic way to just let it all out, that is fine by me but personally I feel awful when I cry, as if it's a feminine thing to do, people tell me that it's just man-made society BS but I believe that male and female brains are inherently different).
- I couldn't sleep much last night, my bedroom is always way too cold and I'm not going to put on 10 layers because the fact I have to do that is just sad. I could barely decide if I should pop the last melatonin pill or not, and tomorrow what kind of OTC sleeping aid to get (but also kind of not wanting to spend my money on any kind of OTC sleeping aid at all because I have a feeling my brother would criticise me for it describing it as "simlike" "stupid" "younger self" "cringe" "embarrassing" "the kind of thing our nana would do"), I woke up at 11.00am.
- I walked to the library to put data onto my iphone (I was initially planning on getting public transport to some other library but decided to go to the library within walking distance because I woke up late and getting my steps in was important), as I did that I felt constant doubt and ambivalence and indecisiveness (how on earth am I going to keep my weight down? Is 50 kg skinny enough, is it worth it losing weight? The worse I feel about myself the more I feel like dieting as being really really skinny (and not just "thin" or slightly underweight / almost underweight) will compensate for the intense insecurity I have about pretty much everything else.
- I initially wanted to plan public transport to North Northumberland (I hope trains are an option, I don't want to get on an arriva bus) and also spend my gift card money on hair dye and video games and books and also check my universal credit account for any relevant information about my next appointment, but my day was quickly ruined and I felt too distressed to do anything when I received an email from my social worker and the people that run supported living, accusations of embarrassing past behaviour which triggered the "who am I really? Have I REALLY been acting like that this entire time blissfully unaware of it, in complete denial, denial of the ugly truth?" (more information is about it here:). I keep on thinking I'm E9 because apparently they're the ones most likely to have difficulty typing themselves due to a lack of self-awareness, yet how could a 9 act so aggressive and loud and rebellious and push people away? I was browsing r/enneagram the same day and one of the posts was an E6 whinging about the downsides of being such a type and how apparently no-one likes that type no-one wants to be that type (but it had connotations of just taking the piss. Even though it pretty much had a rather humourous tone, there was a massive part of me that took it seriously because a lot of the kind of behaviour/personality they specified really * reminded me of my younger self). I took an eclectic energies enneagram test the same day (I'm addicted to all kinds of online MBTI and enneagram assessments) and the result was sp468 (4w5 6w7 8wb), in the past I've typed as sp/sx 594 but also a 7w6 / 6w7 hybrid with a strong 4 and 9 fix. Everyone is different, but personally I don't want to be a 4 (or just heart triad in general, sp3 or something maybe not as much) due to the connotations of femininity, my own personality gives me gender dysphoria, yet somehow judging from experience not that many MALE FOURS hate their own type (such as my brother, a self-confessed INFP 4w5 that is completely fine with his own typology) and also the common belief that E5 / thinkers would prefer scientific careers (like mathematician, psychologist, mechanic, etc) and E4 / feelers would prefer artistic careers (like drawing/painting, dancing, singing, poetry, plays, literature) and I would prefer the former, I remember reading on typology subreddits that 4's are the most suspectible to this issue I have of (the enneagram institute literally says this about 4's) cultivating a "fantasy self" or "ideal self" based off qualities one finds attractive in others and then trying one's hardest to be that way, I can't help but relate to that entirely if anything it's all I ever think about, but at the same time at the end of the day the idea I have of what even constitutes my "ideal self" is rather vague and more or less disappears whenever I'm around other people (not necessarily LITERALLY like by that I mean in the sense of being physically in proximity to other people but it would also include learning about other people on the net, or fictional characters in films television books video games etc), which is why I would argue against 4.
- Not to mention the fact that when I was in the library these two annoying pubescent girls gave unsolicited compliments about my hair and clothes and they wouldn't leave me alone. I took ages deciding what to purchase I was going back and forth between Tesco Express and Post Office for things I can eat, and I had to put up with the sound of young children. I decided to walk home instead of get public transport because I find walking to be therapeutic, and I save a bit of money. But halfway there were two young lads smoking weed, I asked for a drag but they told me I have to pay for my own weed, I walked all the way back to the Tesco ATM to withdraw £10 and then I anxiously walked back to where they were (are they just conning me? Or will someone just actually * give me weed for once?) I told them I have £10 cash on me but they responded with they don't have any all I got was a phone number (but I made a dumb mistake when texting it, I thought it was the phone number of the person that sold them the weed instead of the person that was smoking the weed if that makes sense) now I just have to wait if I'll be lucky enough I asked for a drag but they just told me I have to pay for it even though one of them was sharing it with the other and the other didn't seem to have to pay, as I walked away already pissed off by all the other awful crap that happened to me the same day I was thinking "I bet so many strangers I see in public implicitly see me as the weak, vulnerable, impulsive, dramatic, overly self-revealing FEMALE (the complete opposite of how I'd like to be perceived) no wonder I get told to calm down by so many strangers, subject to overall maltreatment and bullying and insults by so many strangers (especially kids), and subject to being conned by so many strangers (especially plugs I try to buy weed off).
- In addition to all of this overall TRASH, MESS, DISORDER, AGONY, CONFUSION is this constant ongoing overall insecurity and feeling of intense self-doubt (later followed by feelings of regret, shame, discomfort once I've been reassured that in reality I am indeed the way I want to be (or be perceived as) and not the impulsive short-sighted hysterical drama queen or something, I alternate back and forth between these two equally as unpleasant although in their own unique ways EMOTIONAL STATES), past memories of using PDB haunt me to this day (pretty much everything I liked (and still like to this day), my favourite music favourite colours favourite pasttimes favourite clothes favourite video games favourite aesthetics and enviable fictional characters / famous people and desirable personality traits and behaviours, was ALWAYS typed as xxTP by that website yet the consensus was Fi dom 4, making me feel bad about myself. In addition to that what haunts me even more and results in the worst feelings of self-hatred ever is past memories of a few people (albeit a minority) typing me as something even more ego-killing than ISFP in MBTI, I remember this one person they gave like loads and loads of fat paragraphs it began with "Do you want someone to tell you the truth about your typology? I've read all of your posts..." the fact they put that and the fact it was unsolicited and the fact it got loads of upvotes very quickly was evidence it was the ugly brutal truth THEY TYPED ME AS ESFP (being Se dominant is admirable if someone else is like that, but I personally do not want to be that way myself) they were like "you engage with the external world more than your own feelings" or something if I remember correctly and as a result today I get thoughts like "I see stuff, I hear stuff, is Se technically my dominant cognitive function? I hope not" "it's okay, or COOL even, to be a stereotypical Se dom like the happy confident charismatic hot one, but somehow the thought of being a non-stereotypical Se dom a bookish autistic socially inept one is just so embarrassing". I've been acting so impulsively this entire time and as a result I'm at risk of eviction, DOES THIS MEAN I'M TECHNICALLY A MISTYPED SE DOM DUE TO AN OVERALL LACK OF FORESIGHT? I just really want to be the skinny ILI sp5 / SLI sp9 / ILE sp7 smart boy with fluffy mop hair that's all. This whole thing with self-delusion, for example whenever I read my younger self's journal entries they always claim to be so cold and rational and logical (a trait I strongly value having) but when I look back at their overall behaviour and the overall vibes they gave off at the time I just see the complete opposite, am I still like that today? I hope not, but I don't know.

I am just so confused. I swear that if I were to ask my brother a question like "Don't you think that my psychologist sees me as weak and vulnerable and overly emotional and childish and unable to be trusted with anything?" and he'd respond with an affirmative answer yet everyone else (my psychologist, my social worker, supported living staff, etc) seem to be in complete denial and if anything believe the opposite.

My bike broke ages ago but I can't afford a replacement, and providing I had enough money I think waiting until spring would be a wiser option I'm not cycling in frost. I love cycling so much, it's the funnest form of exercise ever it's so therapeutic and it burns loads of calories.
It's getting increasingly harder for me to score weed.
My DXM tolerance is increasing.
There are no metros between Heworth and Regent Centre / Four Lane Ends so I'm really limited. I miss getting the metro (not the * replacement bus) to Jarrow, or Heworth / Felling, or Kingston Park, or Whitley Bay, or Wallsend.

Kizzie

Quote from: geckoskittlezx7900338 on January 03, 2025, 05:56:32 PMWay too much has happened today that resulted in yet another agonising, shame-filled, suicidal state of just intense despair

I am so sorry you are feeling this way GS, it is incredibly hard to deal with CPTSD as so many of us here know. I don't know if we have any members who are very familiar with some of the personality tests/sites you mention, but what we do know about here is what abuse/neglect and Complex PTSD feel like and what it does to our souls. It's the nature of the beast that we feel the way we do, the beast being treated like we don't matter, are not worth much if anything, often by people who should love and care for us.

It might help us to help you if you can focus on what happened to you that you developed CPTSD and how that rises up in your daily life.  One thing I can say with surety is that we all share many of the same symptoms as you so you are part of a community that understands and cares. 

SabooJoa

We're all with you mr skittle, you've come to the right place:)
Any adult responsibilities I find just doing one bit at a time. Sometimes that bit can be a lot, and that's ok, but just making sure you always have another go is the key.
Then one day you're full on adulting and it becomes second nature, this process never stops though!