Considering avoiding mom on her birthday

[Azul]

I am about to start therapy (consult next week,) but I have an issue I need help with today.

TW:emotional abuse

My mom is one (maybe the main one) of my family members who has emotionally/psychologically abused me. She moved to my city 4 months ago and her birthday is tomorrow. Currently, I want to avoid her, but is it wrong for me to avoid her on her birthday?!

I have yet to really get help for my abuse and the trauma responses I have (formal help starts next week.) I have tried to help myself with the aid of information, books and reading others stories but that hasn't been enough.

I'm currently still in a pretty bad and fragile place with it all. My mother is incredibly triggering and overwhelming for me. I have been so lost since she moved to town, and I feel so unprepared and incapable of properly handling the situation. I've tried to figure out what my needs are, what boundaries and distance to enact, and the best ways to protect myself, but I'm still so confused about it all. And, honestly, I don't want to be with her, especially alone.

But her birthday is tomorrow! I still struggle so much with blame and guilt, even though I know in my logical brain that the sad, bad situation is not my fault. I know it shouldn't actually be my responsibility, but I still feel so responsible for my mother's feelings and how others perceive our relationship.

Any advice for how to help myself handle her birthday tomorrow? I really don't want to see her, but it feels sooo wrong not to. I feel like I have to make myself do it. I think sending a text is something I can manage. I'm not sure about an actual phone call because I know talking with her will just make me feel more guilty; and, then, if she asks about getting together it will be hard for me to say no.

If I choose to only text her, or to not contact her at all, how do I deal with this guilt and blame that I so easily believe?

[rainydiary]

What I think is that you do what feels right to you.  If it is too much to not acknowledge at all, I think sending a text is ok.  For me, I think dealing with the habitual guilt and blame comes from trying things out and seeing what works.  It helps me to make a list of things that generally make me feel better and to look at list when I am struggling.

[Blueberry]

Any advice for how to help myself handle her birthday tomorrow? I really don't want to see her, but it feels sooo wrong not to. I feel like I have to make myself do it. I think sending a text is something I can manage. I'm not sure about an actual phone call because I know talking with her will just make me feel more guilty; and, then, if she asks about getting together it will be hard for me to say no.

It sounds as if you know what you can manage and I think it would be good to go that route,  - send a text only. I'm rooting for you however you decide. This stuff is difficult.

Any advice for how to help myself handle her birthday tomorrow?

If I choose to only text her, or to not contact her at all, how do I deal with this guilt and blame that I so easily believe?

It can take a while to reduce those feelings of guilt unfortunately. Note they are just feelings, not actual guilt. However one way to help yourself not feel guilt is to come and read and/or write on here, on OOTS. Off the top of my head I think there are tons of posts on feeling guilt where it's not actually our guilt at all. It's just how years of stuff in FOO (or media or religion or whatver) have made us feel that way.

[Azul]

Thank you RainyDiary and Blueberry. I really appreciate your replies, support and insights.

The idea that it isn't really my own guilt is very helpful. I will try to parse out what is my own guilt, shame and blame from what others have unfairly put on me.

Again, thank you both.

[Azul]

Also, it is invaluable to have people who can understand, and who will encourage me to trust myself and to respect my own needs. Very few people in my life have even come close to understanding why I need to draw such boundaries with my family of origin.

[NarcKiddo]

No, it's not wrong to avoid her on her birthday. I can entirely see why you would want to avoid her, birthday or not.

It seems to me that you need space. She is an adult, not a five-year-old. Birthdays do not need to be celebrated with an almighty fanfare (although my mother would beg to differ. I cannot tell you what a fuss she makes about her birthdays!). You need to look after yourself and if that means not seeing your mother on her birthday then so be it.

In your position, if I thought there would be blowback and I was not ready to deal with it, I would simply invent an illness and then text along the lines of "Happy birthday. Sorry I can't be with you but I'm unwell and don't want to pass on my germs." The obvious flaw in my suggested message is the implication that you might have liked to be with her and you might not want to say that. In which case you could just send a text saying "Happy birthday" and if she responds seeking attention you can play the illness card at that point.

[Armee]

Hi Azul,

First I relate so much. To not wanting to be alone with her, to how she makes you feel and how messed up things get being in the vicinity of her. Your sanity matters and is a matter of physical health as well because this level of distress is harmful to the body. It is OK to say gosh mom I feel so guilty for missing your birthday but I am not feeling well today and need to skip seeing you in person.

[Blueberry]

Also, it is invaluable to have people who can understand, and who will encourage me to trust myself and to respect my own needs. Very few people in my life have even come close to understanding why I need to draw such boundaries with my family of origin.

That is why OOTS is a life-saver for lots of us.     

I hope you continue to experience that understanding and trust here. 

[Azul]

Thank you Narckiddo, Armee, and Blueberry. I feel so understood and supported. It is really helping me keep a balanced perspective and to handle today the way I really need to.

Thank you