Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[SenseOrgan]

NarcKiddo
Thank you for being here! Connecting while in an EF is usually very difficult for me to do. It was great to read your response so soon after I posted. I wasn't entirely alone with it anymore, which is a big thing. Your remark on the doubt highlighted something for me which has helped to get more cognition online, somewhat lower the intensity of the EF, and vaguely believe this is temporary. That's often about as good as it gets with these for me. Communicating about this with somebody who understands what it's like helps to put things in perspective. Just my own constructive cognition around it packs very little punch when the excrements hit the fan. There's no regulation like co-regulation for this regressed mind.

What you describe about your mother sounds awful. It's somewhat of a different dynamic, even though I recognize the dread that everything I said could be used against me at some point. I'm happy to hear you're out of the hellish EF now. Few! What a relief that is!


Desert Flower
Thank you for the validation and your support! It means a lot to be seen when reaching out. I figured out what tipped my boat this time, but unfortunately EF's will come out of the blue sometimes. I remember all those years before I knew about CPTSD and EF's, where this horror had free reign to undermine the little self worth I had left. An EF is still a free-fall, but I know in the back of my mind what's actually happening. Having that mirrored back to me and being met with such kindness while reaching out here is a kind of re-parenting I could never have imagined existed. For me this is where OOTS really shines. That's us!

********

How well integrating into this community of gardeners is actually going has been overshadowed by this EF. I'm still very new there, and not knowing most of the people and unclear rules represents danger. It varies to what degree this unsafety is in the foreground. So yesterday a couple of factors aligned, and before I knew it I was in an EF. Not having established relational safety yet, is the big thing here. I usually need a lot more than one positive encounter with a new person to feel safe to be me around them.

Authenticity and taking up space are strongly linked to danger for me. By what I was doing and these people showing up while I wasn't expecting it, I suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable. The positive feedback I got from the woman didn't overrule this. Shame kicked in to get me out of danger. I want to learn to find safety in relating and am willing to take calculated risks for it, but the old script has anything but been replaced.

It's the same mechanism as what happens to the war vet hearing firecrackers. In a split second I'm practically reduced to a little boy again, having only being alone as a refuge. It did come as an ugly surprise this time, since nobody said or did anything to trigger me. It was me exposing me to people that weren't there when I started. The risk I was taking became bigger while I was taking it. From a neuroception perspective at least.

On another day this wouldn't necessary have been such a big trigger. Yesterday I felt physically weak and I was even trembling a bit when I arrived. It's impossible to always tell how serious to take such effects of a chronic sleep disorder. Sometimes it disappears while I become active and it was a good idea, sometimes it gets worse and I better quit. For the physical side of things this has become such a given, that I no longer have to give it much thought. I'm very pragmatic. Landing in an EF like that is a different story than feeling physically off. That's a high price to pay. It's frustrating that how big of a risk I'm taking partially depends on something that isn't always obvious. I don't want to always play safe, which I think is a good thing. I think I should be more careful in this phase, and cut myself more slack when I feel off. I have plenty of space to do so.

The good news is that it's the next morning now, and I'm already out of the EF despite having had another terrible night. I'm not discouraged to continue with the garden, and I can appreciate more of the safety potential the positive feedback indicates. I'm not in catastrophising mode anymore. Even though the trigger hasn't completely left my body, I'm back to the present moment, being more of an adult. 

One thing I gather from this episode, is that it would be good to be more clear on what I'm going to do in the garden when I go there. This strengthens my sense of purpose and permission to be there, which makes whatever other people may think of me less relevant. It's something I need to actively put into my working memory for it to be strong enough to last. Focus matters. I know from experience that this can have a significant impact on how I show up.

[NarcKiddo]

Sorry to hear you had another terrible night, but I'm happy that you are now out of the EF. Since you recognise that the trigger has not completely left your body (well done for spotting that!) please take extra care of yourself over the next couple of days. In my experience an EF can sometimes ebb and flow a little before it goes completely, so you could be more vulnerable to triggers for a little while.

Your thoughts about having a clear objective for your visits to the garden make sense. I don't know how you tend to react if plans are thwarted. I'm thinking, for example, that there might be practical issues like the ground being muddier than expected. Or other people being around and friendly, and it might be good for you to engage with them a bit, but if you have a rigid plan you might not take a good opportunity for that because your plan does not allow the time. Maybe it could help to have a somewhat flexible objective, like maybe 3 stages of must do (to be achieved come what may, but a very small aim you know you can achieve), followed by do if possible, and then some nice to do things if you find yourself with more time on your hands. Just a thought. Ignore of not helpful.

 

[Papa Coco]

Sense Organ,

Wow I can really resonate with so much of your Oct 16 post and your EF. I rejoiced a bit for you when you said that you are a little bit better at accepting compliments than you used to be. I do also totally understand how, after you'd enjoyed having been complimented, the EF came back to bite you anyway. We are healing slow and steady, I guess. I see the period of positivity from the compliment to the EF as a win. You had a few minutes where you were able to accept a compliment. That's HUGE!

It sounds, by your writing, that you logically know you have nothing to feel shame over, but there's that relentless Trauma coming in to rain on your parade anyway. Trauma truly does have a mind of its own. In Attuned, Author Thomas Hubl teaches that trauma has an intelligence of its own. It sure feels that way to me. I suffer when times are bad and then, thanks to trauma, I also suffer when things are good.  I feel shame when I accept praise from people for doing things I'm clearly good at doing. Like you with your garden. Obviously, you are good at making beautiful gardens, so people compliment you, and trauma comes along and says that we don't deserve or even trust compliments.

This morning you wrote that you're feeling a little better. I'm very glad to read that. In my own life, I find that the EFs don't hang around as long as they used to. I hope that's what's happening with you also. 

Progress, I guess. If I'll stop trying to be cured, maybe I can enjoy the journey as I enjoy any small steps in progress that I can make.

I hope your day continues to improve.

PC.

[Desert Flower]

Hi Sense Organ, I'm glad today was better already. And you did do the turning around yourself too. Very good.
And I'm impressed by how well and detailed you describe what was actually causing the EF. You are learning and growing tremendously.

And

I remember all those years before I knew about CPTSD and EF's, where this horror had free reign to undermine the little self worth I had left. An EF is still a free-fall, but I know in the back of my mind what's actually happening.

That resonated with me big time. It's such a difference to at least know what's going on.

 

[sanmagic7]

SO, i've always found gardening to be restful and grounding, and the idea that you have a garden where so much of your own growth is taking place sounds wonderful to me.  it sounds like you're working thru some core stuff while you're working there, and i can't think of a better place for that to happen. 

keep going, ok?  i have an imaginary plot there as well.  it felt good to write that.  love and hugs

[Chart]

 

[SenseOrgan]

How has it been over three weeks since I posted here? Sometimes my words just dry up for a while. I hate it when that happens when people have taken the time to respond here. Sorry guys, I do not mean to have that land in a vacuum. Thank you NarcKiddo, Papa Coco, Desert Flower, sanmagic7, and Chart for being here. It does mean a lot to me to interact with you. Even more so during an EF. 

Sleep has been pretty brutal in the past weeks. It took me too long to start taking the three times per week benzo again. At least that gives me three okay-ish days per week. With the gardening, that didn't leave much energy and clarity for the rest of the week. I'm glad I spent it on gardening. Plenty of mulching with leaves included. It hasn't landed me in an EF again. The simple repetition/exposure made it feel less "dangerous". I've more firmly claimed the right to be a person who does this. That feels good.

The bad nights have made me extra sensitive to a noise issue in the neighborhood that has been going on for years. I finally wrote an e-mail to the housing agency filing a complaint. That probably took me five hours, as did the reply to the reply I got. I've been dealing with this issue for eight years now. On three different addresses. It's not just me, which unfortunately I've given way more thought than it deserves. Being constantly triggered in my own house and moving house twice in a year because of it has done a lot of damage. Since I'm mostly at home, having a garden I can go to is a huge relief. Even though it comes with it's own challenges. I'm afraid I did disclose a little too much in my e-mails. The person I e-mailed just suggested us to meet. Now I have something else to worry about. I think I've shot myself in the foot.

In a week and a half I'll be going to an off grid, back to basics situation in a foreign country. I'll be there on my own, in the middle of nowhere, for three weeks. Yes it's an insane thing to do with the issues I deal with. It's a long story. I've done it before quite a few times, so it's not a crazy experiment anymore. A part of me loves it, another part suffers the loneliness there more than anywhere. As always, I need to properly prepare, which is difficult with these punishing nights. I know from experience that I'll manage when I'm there. I can't explain how much of a victory it is that I'm able to say that. And still it's proper mental to do this. I'm fully aware of the insanity. Which makes it even worse to proceed with it. I don't really get it. There are many aspects to this. Anyway, I'm worried about the state of my sleep at the moment. It's not a good start if it doesn't improve before I travel there. I could cancel, off course. Somehow this doesn't really exist as an option in my mind. I guess another three weeks at home aren't very appealing. I'm trying not to make a bigger deal out of it than it actually is.

The NC with my mother has been running in the background. And foreground sometimes. I'm torn. It brings up a deep sense of separation. I think this is debit to my sleep. I haven't made any progress with my letter in weeks. I'm not going to before I leave. What a timing.

Just now, writing this, the doorbell rings. It's dark already. Often the doorbell scares me. Sometimes I don't open the door because I'm too scared or embarrassed. At the moment I'm wearing shabby old clothes. I don't hesitate, grab my keys and open the door. A young guy, in his twenties? Wig, party clothes or something. Odd. Strange story. Has to organize a party. I inquire. Direct questions. He doesn't want to elaborate. Asks if I perhaps have a bottle of wine or something for him? *? I resolutely tell him no and we're done. The weird things aside, I'm very surprised by how I handled that. I didn't fawn in the slightest. I've been properly assertive and it didn't cost me any effort. How did that happen? I remember three young girls ringing my doorbell a few months ago. They were only six or something. They were selling bracelets they made and it had made me feel terrible that I was fawning big time. To little kids! This was the opposite. Proper adult behavior. I think knowing that this is part of me, makes that I don't want to back down with the garden or the off grid thing. Deep down I know I'm more than a rabbit in the headlights. I keep putting myself into situations where I have to step up in some way. After all these years and all the madness, there's still a drive to live up to my potential. More calculated nowadays, believe it or not.

[Chart]

Bravo SO, it's not always smooth, but sometimes some things work. It's an inexact science. Still plenty of suffering, but you're putting up a fight. Pensively resisting. AND going someplace. For better or for worse, you're doing something. Cptsd isn't taking you down, at least not without a fight.
 

[sanmagic7]

SO, i love that the fight is still there!  as long as we have that, i believe we'll be ok.  well done on the wine stranger at the door.  very brave, very adult.  keep going, ok?  i think you're doing really well. and hope your alone trip is helpful, encouraging, restful, and challenging.  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

SO,

I too am terrified at the doorbell and the phone when it rings. My heart goes into my throat. I see some growth in you though in that you didn't fawn over the partier who wanted you to give him booze. Good for you!!!!! That's something to put in your pocket as a win. I'll always take a win, even a small one.

I have a noisy neighborhood too. For years I've been angry and hurt and frustrated over the music and barking dogs, but more and more I'm giving in and just wearing earmuffs and turning on loud fans at bedtime. If I thought I could find a better place to live, I'd move, but so far, I can't, so I'm doing plan B instead. It's starting to be easier for me to deal with a little. Still...maybe someday I can find a quieter home.

I'm deeply fascinated by your upcoming trip alone off the grid. The battle going on inside you is what's got me so enthralled. You want to do something that you find has value. You're doing it for you. Even though these trips make you feel alone and stressed, you still do them because you see a true value in them. BUT then you feel like you shouldn't do them. Like a little part of you is telling you that you shouldn't, while a bigger part of you is encouraging you to do it.

Some of the members of the forum have taught me a saying, "You're shoulding all over yourself." HA HA! I love that saying and I use it all the time now.

If going off grid for extended time periods helps you find any healing at all in your soul then I'm impressed you are working up the courage to do them, and not letting your little should-head guilt you into stopping.

What I've learned in my incessant reading of any books written by successful trauma therapists, is that courage is the fence that we stand on.  With each event of our lives we choose which side of the fence to step off into: the "retreating" side where we continue to hide in fear or the "go for it" side where we risk actually living in success. I know it's a good thing to pick our battles, and retreat when it's appropriate, but I'm starting to see that it can be a good thing to step off into the "go for it" side once in a while too. The doorbell rings and we feel fear. If we choose to cower to the fear, we hide and remain afraid. If we choose to gather enough courage to open the door even while we're afraid, we find resolution. Sometimes hiding saves us from harm. Sometimes opening the door does. I guess that's what's called Discernment: Knowing when to advance and when to retreat. It's a good skill to cultivate.

Courage to face our emotions transforms fear into accomplishments.

The emotion I deal with more than all others is the emotion of Apathy. Apathy is when I give up and roll over and decide life isn't worth living and my values mean nothing and it just doesn't matter anymore. What I've learned through my studies is that if I can add a little courage to my appathy and decide that I AM worth something, the emotion of Apathy transforms into the emotion of Surrender.

Surrender is to say, "I am willing to let go of my own desires in favor of getting with the program". It tends to lead to acceptance of the things I can't change, which then diverts my energies into the things I'd forgotten I CAN change.
 
Apathy is to say, "I'm letting go and I don't care anymore." It tends to lead to an inability to accept the things I can't change, and takes all the energy away from the things I CAN change.

When going for it is the right choice, courage is alchemy. It turns lead into gold within our hearts. Courage is being willing to open the door even though we're scared to do so. Courage is being willing to take a long trip off the grid even when parts of us are screaming in our heads to not do it.

I'm impressed by your courage. I have never had the courage to go off grid alone like what you're doing.

Good luck and I hope it's the best off-grid trip of all so far.

PC